Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we read fascinating coverage in North America edition of Volga News of latest press conference given by Mitt Romney Presidential Election Campaign Team. Reproduce below:
Romney Aide: Mitt Romney's decision to have the procedure was entirely his own. It all started accidentally, was sort of serendipity. Usually, when our candidate has that particular reflex, you know, the hip jolts and knee extensions that the operation of his speech organs induces, well these send his pedal extremity, that is to say his foot part or portion into the oral, erm, orifice or mouth. However, on this occasion, the footal pendulation or swingage missed the mouthular apperture by some inches and removed a sizeable proportion of his cranial, erm, cranial cranium. What's that? No we can't recall what Mr Romney was talking about at this exact point. However, given that the pedalic impact was ferocious enough to penetrate not only the skull - which, as you know is the thickest part of the candidate's skeletal structure, in places some four or five inches in depth - but also passed through a densely impacted integument of hair gel and Just for Men, we must assume he was discussing foreign policy or welfare. Or policy in general.
What we found was startling. Some 47% of the candidate's brain was redundant. It was behaving like a victim, and was dependent on the remaining 53%. Huh? Yes absolutely we were surprised. We thought it would be closer to 80%. So the candidate acted swiftly. He said that the 47% was not his concern and determined to get rid of it. No, he performed the operation himself. Well, the dextral extensor or footic part of the candidate's anatomic structuralisation was in the vicinity of the craniatal insertion already. So it proceeded to scoop out the useless 47% on its own initiative. Exactly the kind of initiative that true Americans show and value. And evidence I think, contrary to hostile coverage in the liberal media, that the candidate does support a Two Pate Solution.
Well, we foresee great benefits, ma'am. First, the remaining 53% will now have nothing to worry about from the cerebral discard and can concentrate more fully on what the candidate says next. Further, an immediate accord has been signed by the encephalic remnant and the pedalic actor. In this, when the candidate speaks the footose part will not merely enter the mouthal region, but will also smother the candidate's actual words as they are forming. This has already proved a major breakthrough. Mr Romney is now certain that he will win the Presidential Election if he becomes Hispanic. We are grateful for the pause for thought on this idea that his foot supplied last night. It stifled the candidate's intended announcement that henceforward he will be known as Miguel "Speedy" Romnalez. The foot also suppressed some associated cries of "Arriba! Arriba! Andale!"
Thank you and God bless a carefully calibrated portion of America.