Skip to main content

Esquire writer Charles P. Pierce writes a pitch perfect speech that, if Mittens had the brass to deliver, would vault him back into contention.  It's satire, but like the best humor cuts to the bone and exposes the truth.  It opens with

How'd you like it? You wanted me to be authentic and you got it, both barrels, gold-plated with a lovely mahogany stock, perfect for killing varmints. Put me on a podium in front of an auditorium full of mouthbreathers I wouldn't hire to park my car and I turn into an ice sculpture. But put me in a room with sentient piles of currency, and I can relax and explain the way the world works in the only language they understand, the only language that counts. I speak Money, bitches, and if you didn't learn it when you were young, there ain't no Rosetta Stone you can use to play catch-up now. We spoke Money at home. We spoke Money at prep school. Parlez-vous franc? Sprechen sie Deutschmark? You don't speak Money, you don't speak to me, because, well:
I'm Mitt Romney, bitches, and I'm all you got left.
Follow me below the 47% fleur de lis for choice excepts.  

Please read the entire speech here as there are many gems that will make you laugh out loud.  For example:

I mean, Jesus, you mean you people didn't notice? Back during the primaries, you didn't catch on to what I was saying? I offered to bet Rick Perry ten thousand clams, right there on stage. Bluffed him over the top because that tangled-tongued sodbuster knew that I could have bought his hometown of Drought Stricken Gulch, or whatever the hell it was, for half that amount. I bought Pawlenty out of the process before those hayshakers in Iowa had finished farting out the rest of their corn dogs from the state fair. Newt tried me on about the Bain stuff, but do you think I was even listening? In fact, do you think I listen to anyone? I don't listen to anyone who doesn't... speak... Money, and I don't have to, because, well:
I'm Mitt Romney, bitches, and I'm all you got left.
I believe that we need two functioning parties, and while I am gleeful that Rmoney has squandered his chance I'm worried about the future where one party is captive to the monied interests he represents.  

So when Pierce writes

I'm the end product, baby. This is where your party's been heading for 30 years. Who do you think bankrolled Reagan? People who spoke Money, that's who. You put a party together made up of snakehandlers, and economic alchemists, and neocon grifters, and get a whole bunch of people like me, people who speak Money, to foot all the bills, and who do you think is going to end up on top? Sooner or later, you all have to pay the piper, and the piper is me. I am always the piper, because I always get paid, because, well:
I'm Mitt Romney, bitches, and I'm all you got left.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags


More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site