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The irony of listening to Rage Against the Machine at a respectfully quiet volume at my desk is not lost on me.

I was last seen pillaging office supplies in my desk chair turned makeshift pirate ship. Out of options HR has formed a small fleet in retaliation.

I got tired of people coming to my desk asking for help so I Sharpied my upper lip and started screaming NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! when anyone gets close.

Any time a bird craps on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch, just to show the birds what I'm capable of.

I carry around an old-school boombox and a cassette of The Final Countdown in case I ever get in a fight.

If you're rich, in America at this point in time, you are living a better life than any mammal in the history of the world. Be gracious.

Listen hipster, you're a 20yo with a curly mustache.. Are you an evil villain? Is that your evil lair? No its an organic coffee shop.

Anyone who's voice doesn't jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living.

If just one time - one time - in the debates, when Mitt Romney says "Obamacare," if Obama answered "YoMamaCare" -- he can be prez forever.

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