(A knock is heard. The door is opened. A rich man stands on the stoop, offering his hand.)
Hello, my name is Mitt Romney and I'd like to introduce myself as the very successful, moderate, ex-governor of the liberal state of Massachusetts-- Wait. No. Hang on.
(The rich man leaves. Silence. After a moment. A knock is heard. The door opens. The rich man offers his hand again.)
Hello, my name is Mitt Romney and I'd like to introduce myself as the very severely conservative, ex-governor of the unfortunately moderate state of-- (pause) Shit. Sorry.
(The rich man leaves again.)
(A knock is heard from outside. Its Mr. Rich guy again, offering his hand.)
Hey, how are you? My name is Willard Romney and I'm the extremely successful ex-CEO of Bain Capitol and I'd like to talk to you about turning around your economy using some of the same tactics... tactics... tactics that I-- um... just, give me another second here...
(He leaves again. After a moment... another knock...)
Wassup, folks. I'm Mr. Romney, formerly of the exceedingly successful 2002 Olympics which were held in Salt Lake City Olympics and I was hoping to tell you how I saved the Olympics by getting the federal government to give me... they gave me.... sorry... hang on.
(The doorbell rings. The rich man is now wearing... a badge... and carrying a gun.)
Hi! My name is Mitt Romney and I am here to check your house for illegal aliens whom I will convince to self deport by taking their jobs and money. By doing so I will make it possible for YOU to be able to pick your own... lettuce... and strawberries and--
(The man rips off the badge and whips it into the bushes. He stomps off. A moment passes. Another knock. The rich man... has a Mexican flag draped over his shoulder.)
Hola, mi nombre es Willard Romney!
(Pause. He stares forward. Thinks. Blinks. Thinks)
Ok... so that's the only Spanish I know.
(Pause. Awkward smile.)
LONG LIVE ISRAEL!
(The rich man turns... walks away... then turns back.)
Hello! I'm Willard Mitt Romney and I represent the richest %1 of Americans! No, no! The 53% of Americans that pay taxes! Damnit, wait... the 100% of Real Americans who are not lazy, victims who.... Motherfucker! Motherfucker!
(The rich man picks up a nearby dog... takes it to his car... straps it to his roof... drives off.)
(Two hours pass. There's a knock at the door. Its a rich, blonde woman... on a horse)
Hi! I'm Mitt Romey's wife and YOU PEOPLE have no right to treat my husband this way! YOU PEOPLE have no idea how hard he is trying to make YOU PEOPLE like him and--
(There's a whistle from the bushes. The blonde woman turns, sees the top of the Rich Man's head. He waves her off. She leaves... the horse taking a shit in the drive way.)
(A day passes.)
(There's a knock at the door. It's the rich man once again.)
Hello, my name is Ronald Reagan.