Last night, Bill Maher's final New Rule delivered a body blow to that all-important "undecided voter". Just who are these people, really?
And finally, New Rule: If you're one of the 5% of American voters who are still undecided on who to vote for, it's OK to admit, you just don't really give a shit.Speaking of that, 1.5 MILLION swing state voters are about to receive an anti-Obama DVD movie that claims his REAL father was an African-American Communist from Chicago. The guy behind the "film" is refusing to say how he's paying for all this, or who's funding him.
Seriously, if at this point you still can't figure out who you like more, Mitt Romney or Barack Obama, stay home. Because you probably couldn't find your polling place anyway.
I mean, what more information does someone need to make this choice? Obama has been President for nearly four years, and Mitt Romney has been running for President since 1971, when his space egg incubated and he burst out of an astronaut's chest. And they're not really that much alike. If you can't tell this man (picture of Obama) from this man (picture of Romney), you're not a swing voter. You're a lesbian. (audience applause)
I mean, look, it's OK that there's a tiny fraction of uncommitted voters in a few swing states who will decide this election. But could we please stop treating them like they're somehow more noble and discerning than the rest of us? For example, you know who is an undecided voter? The Octomom. Yeah. Somebody asked her this week, and well, it turns out, she doesn't even know who Mitt Romney is.
And that, in a nutshell, is America's celebrated undecided voter. Put on a pedestal by the media as if they were Hamlet in a think tank, searching out every last bit of information, high-minded arbiters pouring over policy positions and matching them against their own philosophies. Please! They mostly fall into a category political scientists call low-information voters, otherwise known as dipshits! (wild audience cheering and applause)
For example, according to a Pew Research study, 40% of Democrats do not know that the Republicans are the conservative party. Let me repeat that. No, I'm not going to repeat that, it's too depressing. Instead, let's look at someone else who announced this week that they were an undecided voter: Kim Kardashian. (audience groans)
Yes, she described herself as a "liberal Republican". Of course, there aren't any of those anymore, but pieces of knowledge like that don't reach the low-information voter. But Donald Trump does! He tweeted:
And the worst part of all this is that America's entire electoral process — the debates, the conventions, the ads, the photo-ops with the corn dogs — it's all targeted at this tiny segment of the population that's just not that interested. Which would make them, by definition, the least qualified for this "decider's role".
When are low-information wishy-washy people ever desirable to talk to? There's a reason why when you have a problem, you never seek their advice. Hey, you know who you should talk to about that thing you're going through? Someone who doesn't know anything about it! (audience applause)
This year at the debates, we should skip that thing where the undecideds dial in their reactions to every little moment, and instead hook up the dial to their foreheads to see if there's any measurable brain activity! (audience applause)
'Cause I don't need to see another focus group with these nincompoops. I've seen enough of them to know why they're called focus groups. 'Cause they're groups of people who have trouble focusing! And if I want to see a bunch of ignorant jackasses bullshitting about the election, I'll watch Fox & Friends!
Know that there WILL be a small amount of people that will be swayed by this piece of shit film, and know that they WILL be voting in November.
Now go out there and do whatever the hell you can to re-elect Obama, and perhaps even more importantly, get Democrats elected downballot as well.