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Since Republicans have chosen Mitt Romney to represent them to the nation, and the fact that he more or less is the epitome of those who own the Republican Party, I think it's fair to use "What Would Mitt Do?" as a guide to the morality and conscience of Republicans.  So, let's explore WWMD in various situations.  Remember, you can't say WWMD without WMD.

What Would Mitt Do (as President):

1.  A city floods, and thousands are trapped in a stadium without water or medical supplies.

A sufficiently frugal family can survive by eating the corpses of the dead.  Naturally none of their needs should be met with taxpayer money - the taxpayers (i.e., the victims) worked hard for that money, and it shouldn't be wasted keeping them alive in an emergency.  Taxpayer money should never be thrown away on welfare for people too lazy to learn how to swim.

2.  A major terrorist attack occurs on American soil.

Smirk.  Joke around with reporters.  Issue a statement saying how the attack just proves his critics are poopyheads who should shut up.  The death toll?  Word on identities of the victims?  Don't bother me with trifles, you stupid librul media, we're talking about me here!  Now where was I?  Oh, yes, I've contacted my investment manager to pick up the now-cleared real estate at the site of the attack, since it will come pretty cheap now.  I got dibs on the concession stands at the eventual memorial!  

3.  Cancer is cured.

(Sobbing)  My dear servants...err, fellow Americans...this is a black day in our history.  One of the largest drivers of pharmaceutical and healthcare industry profit and employment, cancer, has been...(gasp)...cured.  Billions of dollars will disappear from the economy overnight, never to return, and thousands of jobs lost.  But fear not, fear not, we must be strong!  Although cancer has been cured, I have been assured by my HHS Secretary - who is also the CEO of Pfizer, and Chairman of Aetna - that we can recover from the damage by helping other diseases become more painful and debilitating.  

4.  Every other country on Earth unilaterally demilitarizes, and world peace is declared everywhere but in the hearts of Republicans.

I will not tolerate the grave threats to America's existence that have arisen in...(spins wheel, pointer lands on "Switzerland")...uhh, hold on...(spins wheel again, pointer lands on "China")...dammit, one second...(spins wheel, pointer lands on "Azerbaijan")...Aberzeejian.  The Aberzeejianians have plotted against us for the last time!  We must strike now before they have a chance to wipe us out!  Fortunately I don't have any business in that country yet.  But naturally my companies will be providing all of the contract goods and services for the war effort - bullets, bombs, supply sundries, body bags, coffins, torture implements, etc.  I'll also personally be overseeing the reconstruction and acting as comptroller.  Hey, it's only fair - I declared war, I get dibs on the spoils!

5.  Terrorists funded by Saudi Arabia buy suitcase nukes on the black market for $5 billion.

Ladies and gentlemen, I know there have been a lot of rumors circulating around about the fact that $5 billion appeared in my offshore bank accounts immediately following the acquisition of US nuclear weapons by our terrorist enemies.  Let me just say that whether or not I engaged in this free market transaction is none of your damn beeswax, and I don't care what envious people who don't have $5 billion are saying about it.  But look on the bright side: With the additional threat posed by these nukes, the defense industry will be stimulated, creating more jobs.  And if the nukes end up being used on American cities, that could potentially open up millions of jobs previously performed by the victims, not to mention all the profit to be had from the cleanup.  So instead of attacking me for pursuing rational self-interest, why don't all you lazy nuke-bait 47%ers get on the ball and start investing in fallout shelters.  Since I've bought up all the companies that make fallout shelters, my staff looks forward to hearing from you.

6.  A killer asteroid is discovered heading for Earth.

My dear lowly Americans, and to all the inferior races of the Earth, we have received troubling news that a deadly asteroid is going to impact my planet - err, our planet - in only a month's time.  Fortunately we've known about this for over a year, so in preparation for this impact, we have built impenetrable walls, mine fields, and machine-gun nests in a 2,000-mile cordon around the impact area to stop the people inside from leaving.  Why have we done this?  It goes like this: We will charge $2,000 for every man, woman, and child to leave the area, which many will undoubtedly wish to do immediately following this broadcast.  Those who do not have the money now have an entire month in which to steal it, or earn it by giving sexual favors to those guarding the barriers.  Anyone who can't make a mere $2,000 in a month should feel grateful that they are going to die.

Now, with these funds, we will be able to construct a self-contained underground environment sufficient for me, those of my family members who have proven loyal, and various servants I find useful to survive indefinitely.  Should any funds remain, they will be used to stockpile gold, ammunition, and other goods that should help our reemergence to the surface, whereupon we will honor the sacrifice of all those whom we did not allow to go with us by laying salvage claim to whatever of their property remains intact.  I know, I know - I'm a hero.  But the asteroid is the real hero here.

7.  China invades, conquers United States.

I, for one, welcome our new Communist overlords.  Especially since they're not really Communist, and have agreed to let me keep my money in return for helping organize the enslavement of the American people.  Ha!  I've been doing that for decades.  What a bunch of chumps, to pay me for doing what I love.  But at least now I don't have to pretend to think of employees as human beings.  Now all of America is a Red State!  As long as they let me fuck people over the way I like, I don't care what -ism is used as an excuse.  Hail Whatshisface in the funny grey suit, the guy with the name that sounds like a cat...Meow the Tung.  

8.  Firefighters rescue children from a burning building.

Just another example of the lazy, entitled unions that plague the public sector.  What do these people do first - put out the fire consuming valuable property, or rescue children who are too young to work and thus only have speculative value as future employees?  These bums have no concept of fiscal responsibility.  That is why I, in my infinite wisdom, have instructed the Justice Department to pursue criminal charges against these so-called firefighters who opted to value worthless lives over property worth millions.  The American people - all 1% of them - need to know they have a President who will look out for their property, and protect them from abusive Big Government nanny-staters who would let it burn just to save a bunch of moochers.

9.  The Republican Party wages military insurrection against the Constitution, is defeated.

Not guilty, Your Honor.  I had nothing to do with it.  In fact, I've always been a liberal Democrat at heart - my record speaks for itself on that.  I'm a compassionate guy - I've always taken the trouble to learn people's names before I fire them.  And that's why I finally made my true partisan leanings official by changing my party registration the moment it became clear that we - err, those filthy Republican scum - had lost.  In fact, the only reason I was still around them was because I was trying to stop them.  Yep, that was me, Mitt Romney - bulwark of freedom, bravely trying to hold back the fascist hordes overrunning America.  

Granted, you'll see a lot of selectively-edited films of me saying things like "We must flood the streets with the blood of the subhuman Socialist heathen," and "Ten thousand bucks for the first to bring me ten corpses of homeless bums!"  But that's all taken out of context.  I was just quoting others as a cautionary example in order to tell them what not to do.  Those homeless people's heads that were found mounted in my mansions must have been planted there by looters.  

10.  Mitt Romney saves a little girl from being run over by a drunk in a Mercedes.

How dare you, you stupid little shit?  You almost dented that $80,000 car!  (slap) The owner of that car would have lost years of earnings potential in prison because of your death, and once he got out, he would have had to pay enormous insurance premiums!  No, no, don't you start crying on me like some sissy little girl...yes, I know you're a little girl, shut up!  Now go and apologize to that man right now for almost costing him so much, but speak slowly and clearly, because he's obviously blotto.  Don't you know better than to be in front of a car driven by a drunk?  Why, I'll bet you don't even have life insurance!  Stupid kid.  BTW, I'll be suing your parents for the trouble you've caused me.  Your college fund should just about buy me a nice coaster for the coffee table on my yacht.

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