From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Romney = Comedy Gold
"This tape is so incriminating. Everything that liberals suspect Mitt Romney says behind closed doors, now there's a tape of Mitt Romney saying that exactly behind closed doors. It's like if Republicans had a tape of Obama where he was reading Karl Marx with a highlighter while forging a birth certificate and getting blown by Cleopatra Jones."
---Bill Maher
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How to create a policy position
the Mitt Romney way. Easy!
"To fight for the GOP's very existence, we have chosen Mitt Romney as our standard bearer. Unfortunately no one can stand him or bear him."
---Stephen Colbert
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"New documents show that Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney's advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means."
---Jimmy Fallon
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"I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan."
---Jay Leno
And here's
The Daily Show on the Romneybots and their enablers at Fox News:
Jon Stewart: The biggest problem with the denizens of Bullshit Mountain is they act like their shit don’t stink. If they have success, they built it. If they failed, the government ruined it for them. If they get a break, they deserve it. If you get a break, it's a "handout" and an "entitlement." It's a baffling, willfully-blind cognitive dissonance best summed up by their head "coach" in what is perhaps my favorite sound bite of all time:
Clip of actor Craig T. Nelson on Fox News: I've been on food stamps and welfare. Did anybody help me out? No!
Genius.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 28, 2012
Note: Just a heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday, as we will be attending a gallivanting seminar. Back Tuesday with windburn and a hangover.
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Tuesday!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Barack and Michelle Obama's 20-year anniversary:
5
Days 'til Stephen Colbert's new book
America Again: Re-Becoming the Greatness We Never Weren't comes out:
4
Obama-Romney matchup among Catholic voters:
54%-39%
(Source: Pew poll)
Percent chance that 2 + 2 = 5:
100%
(Source:
The Romney campaign)
Percent chance that you should not feed fish:
100%
(Source:
Paul Ryan)
Dimensions of the British
Peel P-50 car:
54" x 41"
Year by which humans were expected to start having sex with robots, according to a 2006 prediction by the European Robotics Network:
2011
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NEW! Friday Joe Lieberman Wanker Walk Countdown:
Joe Lieberman will end his Senate reign of error in 109 days.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy National Dog Week!
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The signed Krugman sold for $360!!!
CHEERS to splintered auction paddles. Wow---just shy of $14,000 was raised in the 2012
Netroots Nation Fall Auction, which came to a loud, savage and frenzied conclusion last night. Thanks to everyone who checked out the goods and tossed in a bid or two. The money will go towards keeping the June San Jose convention registration fee lower than it otherwise would be, and also help offset the costs of the regional events and mentoring program. I'm also pleased to announce that this year only six people were sent to the hospital during the bidding war over coffee with Howard Dean. Good to see we're becoming more civilized in our old age.
CHEERS to the way things stand. Here's a quick day-by day recap of the state of the Republican presidential campaign from the end of their convention through today: Offense, Offense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense. Nice trend.
Idiot in governor's clothing
JEERS to a big bunch of nuthin'. Poor Maine Teapublican Governor Paul LePage---he's fallen into another heap of hapless. Last month he was caught on tape boasting about how he was gonna call the legislature into a special session for something BIG that would make Democrats
squeal like a pig:
He said Republicans will have to do it on their own. “I think we can get it done in about a day and the Democrats, if you think they hate me now---Wow,” he says.
Naturally I thought it was either voter suppression or an anti-abortion bill or more cuts to the social safety net or some other bit of skullduggery. In the end, it had something to do with our state's liquor contracts. And now Governor LePage's giddy plan to turn the Democratic party into a shriveled ball of irrelevance has
turned into a head-throbbing hangover...for
him:
The LePage administration has abandoned its plan to negotiate directly with bidders for the state's next wholesale liquor contract and will instead make a traditional request for proposals, in light of key lawmakers' concerns about fairness and openness.
Oh, well. I'm sure LePage will cook up another grand Democrat-slaying scheme as he approaches the halfway point in his sorry single term as governor. My guess: sharks with lasers.
CHEERS to the beginning of the end. On September 28, 1781, during the War of Independence, American troops backed by the French fleet Ronald Reagan riding a trained dolphin while brandishing a bazooka [Revision courtesy of TX Dept. of Ed. textbook approval committee], began their siege of Yorktown, Virginia. The British, trapped like rats, were forced to surrender, thus securing our freedom as an independent nation. Moral of the story: only fools go to war on a peninsula without jetpacks.
Be afraid!!! (Or something)
JEERS to this week's
Worst! Prop Master! In the Wooooorld!!! I thought Mahmud Ahmagivemeahandjob would be the natural replacement for Muammar Ghaddafi as the silliest performer at the annual United Nations shindig. Color me mistaken. Turns out it was Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who yesterday
reduced his warning of an imminent nuclear weapons showdown with Iran to a
playing piece from the Napoleonic War game Stratego or, if you prefer, a
sight gag from a MAD magazine cartoon. It was a moment only slightly less ridiculous than Colin Powell holding up a vial of baby powder in the run-up to the Iraq war, and even America's most blood-thirsty neocons are rolling their eyes. Next time, Bibi, please use a serious visual aid: Colonel Mustard wielding a candlestick in the billiard room.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on the teevee this weekend. As always, you should wake up with Chris Hayes and Melissa Harris-Perry. New DVD releases include The Avengers (Iron Man, Captain America, Thor and The Incredible Hulk look so silly in bowler hats!), season two of Portlandia, and the Criterion treatment on the dark classic Eating Raoul. Your rapidly-diminishing MLB schedule is here. The NFL schedule---now with REAL refs!---is here. (The Patriots will make the Bills "pay"---Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!) SNL repeats last season's finale with Mick Jagger. On 60 Minutes: the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan explains why we're getting beat, while Arnold Schwarzenegger explains why he felt the need to cheat. And the new season of the Emmy-winning Homeland is Sunday night at 10 on Showtime.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Stench Index in honor of Mitt Romney's new nickname:
Meet the Press: Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ); roundtable with former Gov. Ed Rendell (D-PA), Katty Kay, Chuck Todd, and pond scum Ralph Reed (with apologies to real pond scum for besmirching their good name). Stench Index: Cat pee
This Week: Chris Christie again! Plus former Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland (D); roundtable with Donna Brazile, Haley Barbour, Howard Dean, Maggie Haberman (Politico), Matthew Dowd. Stench Index: Overcooked broccoli
Face the Nation: Chris Christie AGAIN???; Newt Gingrich (R-GA); roundtable with Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN), Bob Shrum (D), Michelle Rhee (R-DC), author Hedrick Smith, Bob Woodward and Larry Sabato. Wow---the liberal bias on this show is almost blinding. Stench Index: Dirty socks
Must-watch TV
Bill Moyers & Company (link): An in-depth look at "The United States of ALEC"; "Master media decoder" Kathleen Hall Jamieson on Campaign 2012. Stench Index: Fresh-cut flowers
Washington Week: Obama's growing lead in the swing states gets the roundtable treatment with Charles Babington (AP), Jeff Zeleny (NYT), Nia-Malika Henderson (WaPost) and Jim Tankersley (National Journal).
Stench Index: Coffee breath
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: VP candidate Paul Ryan talks about his relationship with The Stench. Stench Index: Fox News
Stinky viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: September 28, 2007
JEERS to rocking the baby to death. What is it with China's vendetta against American pets and children? Now we learn that a million Chinese-made cribs are being recalled. Apparently they contain portals that suck the toddlers down into the fourth circle of Hell. If you own one of the defective cribs, please write the company and they'll send you a manhole cover at no charge.
JEERS to them who thinks money grows on trees. The Bush warmongers, who promised the Iraq adventure would cost less than one dollar, have requested another $190 billion. The total expenditure on this pointless adventure so far: over half a trillion clams. We say the Senate should approve the new funds immediately. As long as it's spent exclusively on one-way plane tickets out of Iraq. (And free in-flight drinks for anyone with a rank of private or higher!)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to James Earl Carter. C&J will be off Monday, and we'd kick ourselves if we didn’t wish a Happy 88th birthday (and requisite camel blessings) to #39. He was stubborn---and too much of a micromanager---during his White House years (plus the hostage crisis didn't help). But his post-presidency warrants every accolade we can throw his way, including his open swipes at George W. Bush during those fucked-up days. Earlier this month he checked in at the Democratic National Convention with a video message, and he's still got that old Jimmy twinkle in his eye. This is still my favorite Carter-era story:
President Carter put solar panels high up on the
White House roof. Willie Nelson also got high
up on the White House roof.
Willie Nelson once performed at the Carter White House, after which he enjoyed the first family's hospitality by staying over. That night, the country crooner climbed up on the roof, took in a little stargazing, and---while marveling at the way in which the city's streets converged on the executive mansion---lit up what he called a "fat Austin torpedo." Security agents were nowhere to be found. As Nelson insightfully recalled after the experience, "The roof of the White House is the safest place I can think of to smoke dope."
At the C&J open bar tonight: cold, sweaty cans of
Billy Beer and keep 'em comin'!
Enjoy your first full fall weekend---see ya in October! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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