See, as it turns out, the voter ID laws ostensibly set up to stop non-existent in-person voter fraud have the residual effect of disenfranchising and suppressing actual eligible voters. Disproportionately of the minority, poor, and elderly variety, or as they are sometimes known, Democrats.
Of course, that law has been challenged in the courts. And we are expecting a ruling.... (checks watch) All right, just roll the ruling.
CHRIS JANSING (10/2/2012): We have breaking news right now, a judge has issued a decision in Pennsylvania's controversial voter ID law.
"All those without voter ID must gay-marry whilst on medical marijuana during the first trimester! There! I fucking settled everything! It's all done!" (wild audience cheering)
....
JON STEWART: For more on this issue, we're joined by Senior Black Correspondent, Larry Wilmore. Larry, thank you so much for joining us. Larry, these voter ID laws as we see, could potentially disenfranchise thousands of voters. Your reaction.
LARRY WILMORE: Yeah, Jon, on behalf of black people, I need to apologize to America. Obviously, these laws were meant to suppress the black vote, which has gone 95% for Obama, but it wound up hurting innocents like Jim Cramer's dad. I'm so sorry, old people. That shit was meant for us, not for you.
JON STEWART: It's not your fault. (touches his shoulder) OK, so I shouldn't have touched you.
LARRY WILMORE: Look, Jon, in the world of voter suppression, black folks are the delicious tuna. Irresistible. World War II veterans and grandmas are just the innocent dolphins who get pulled up in the net.
JON STEWART: Ah, in your mind, where do these laws go wrong?
LARRY WILMORE: Right, well, look. They're too indirect. You can't just make a law and hope it disproportionately affects black people. I mean, you have to make sure it disproportionately affects black people. And not just on paper. Racism works best in person. Distrust, but verify.
....
LARRY WILMORE: Actually, voter fraud laws have given me a great idea.
JON STEWART: What is that?
LARRY WILMORE: Voter fraud. Watch this, Jon. I urge black people to vote early and often! And then late! OK? Now, it's going to take a concerted "get out the fraud" effort.
JON STEWART: Are you sure, Larry, you want to just come in on national television and advocate breaking the law?
LARRY WILMORE: It's basic cable, it's not national television! Besides, you call it breaking the law, I call it making up for lost time. Sure. All those years we counted as 3/5s of a person while we were doing 10/5s of the work?
JON STEWART: (starts doing math on paper, fails) I... don't understand fractions.
LARRY WILMORE: How old's this country, Jon?
JON STEWART: About 240.
LARRY WILMORE: How long have black people been allowed to vote?
JON STEWART: About 150.
LARRY WILMORE: In Alabama?
JON STEWART: About 48.
LARRY WILMORE: Exactly. Now, we got to keep extra-voting until we catch up. Here's some tips to help black people extra-vote for the first time, OK? First, confidence. Now remember, these polling stations are staffed by sweet old white ladies. Use that shit, all right? Oh yeah, just walk in tall, point and nod, yeah that's me right there, Mildred Higgins.
JON STEWART: Right. Yeah, you're Mildred Higgins, sure, yeah, right.
LARRY WILMORE: YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT??
JON STEWART: No, go ahead, you can go right there and do that. That's fine.
LARRY WILMORE: Which brings us to tip #2: intimidation.
JON STEWART: Oh, that's nice, I get that.
LARRY WILMORE: You see how I did that? I'M HERE TO VOTE! WHERE'S MY BALLOT??
JON STEWART: (quickly hands him a ballot) Wow, you're right. That is intimidating.
Let's begin tonight with the urgent issue of in-person voter fraud, which by all accounts, is non-existent. But nevertheless, a major concern of all Americans. Particularly in swing states controlled by Republican legislatures, like Pennsylvania's voter ID law. What is the purpose of that law again, Pennsylvania's Republican House Majority Leader?
STATE REP. MIKE TURZAI, R-PA (6/23/2012): Voter ID, which is going to allow Governor Romney to win the state of Pennsylvania, done.
"Hey, but hey, this is just between us chickens, right? Eh? I mean, when the mics and the cameras go on, tick a lock, you know what I'm talkin' about? Tick a lock... what's that... the red light... OK, so it's on."
See, as it turns out, the voter ID laws ostensibly set up to stop non-existent in-person voter fraud have the residual effect of disenfranchising and suppressing actual eligible voters. Disproportionately of the minority, poor, and elderly variety, or as they are sometimes known, Democrats.
Of course, that law has been challenged in the courts. And we are expecting a ruling.... (checks watch) All right, just roll the ruling.
CHRIS JANSING (10/2/2012): We have breaking news right now, a judge has issued a decision in Pennsylvania's controversial voter ID law.
"All those without voter ID must gay-marry whilst on medical marijuana during the first trimester! There! I fucking settled everything! It's all done!" (wild audience cheering)
All right, what did the actual judge rule?
10/2/2012:
BROOKE BALDWIN: A judge today put a hold on that new voter ID state law.
PETE WILLIAMS: What the judge says here is ... I'm just not convinced in my predictive judgment that there won't be any voter disenfranchisement arising out of this new law.
First of all, disenfranchisement. Second of all, typical liberal judge, striking down a perfectly hypothetical solution for fear of the real harm that it does. Show me one person who this law would disenfranchise.
NEWS REPORTER (5/29/2012): Bill Internicola, a 91-year-old veteran of World War II, who earned the Bronze Star and the Legion of Honor for his service, is one of the voters targeted by the state as a potential non-citizen.
Puh! Feh! Puh! Bronze Star! Oh, what, did he come in third in the war? (audience laughter) Did he even win a silver or a gold in the war? All right, fine. That very sweet courageous elderly man.... Show me two people!
9/27/2012:
WYATT ANDREWS: 68-year-old Doris Clark was turned down three times applying for her Pennsylvania voter ID card. And every time, she says, the state wanted another document.
DORIS CLARK: You feel like, why am I going through all these things. I'm not bin Laden's wife, you know.
(audience laughter and applause)
Who said anything about bin Laden? By the way, that's a trick comment. You would be bin Laden's widow.
I'm sorry, I'm not going to really believe these laws persecute anybody, until it affects somebody from television, i.e., a real American.
AL SHARPTON (9/12/2012): Yesterday, Jim Cramer, CNBC's popular host, told his half million Twitter followers his elderly father "won't be allowed to vote ... because he does not drive, he is elderly, and can't prove his citizenship".
Erg! I hate knowing Jim Cramer has a father! Well, I hope he and his father are both sitting down, because Jim Cramer also has... a long-lost brother!
Yes! Louis C.K.! You are Jim Cramer's long-lost brother! Louis C.K.! The C.K. stands for Cramer Kin.
JON STEWART: For more on this issue, we're joined by Senior Black Correspondent, Larry Wilmore. Larry, thank you so much for joining us. Larry, these voter ID laws as we see, could potentially disenfranchise thousands of voters. Your reaction.
LARRY WILMORE: Yeah, Jon, on behalf of black people, I need to apologize to America. Obviously, these laws were meant to suppress the black vote, which has gone 95% for Obama, but it wound up hurting innocents like Jim Cramer's dad. I'm so sorry, old people. That shit was meant for us, not for you.
JON STEWART: It's not your fault. (touches his shoulder) OK, so I shouldn't have touched you.
LARRY WILMORE: Look, Jon, in the world of voter suppression, black folks are the delicious tuna. Irresistible. World War II veterans and grandmas are just the innocent dolphins who get pulled up in the net.
JON STEWART: Ah, in your mind, where do these laws go wrong?
LARRY WILMORE: Right, well, look. They're too indirect. You can't just make a law and hope it disproportionately affects black people. I mean, you have to make sure it disproportionately affects black people. And not just on paper. Racism works best in person. Distrust, but verify.
JON STEWART: I guess it'd be like a cop pulling you over for DWB.
LARRY WILMORE: I'm sorry, what's that, Jon?
JON STEWART: A... DWB... you know, it's like a... driving while black. It's just a....
LARRY WILMORE: Did you just learn that phrase, Jon?
JON STEWART: No! No! Yeah. Um, Katt Williams' special was on.
LARRY WILMORE: Yeah. DWB. What, are you down with the brothers now, Jon?
JON STEWART: What?! What? Is "down" good to be...?
LARRY WILMORE: Just drop the slang and step away, Jon!
JON STEWART: All right, all right.
LARRY WILMORE: Look, but you're right. When a cop does a DWB...
JON STEWART: (whispers) Solid!
LARRY WILMORE: ... he can see you're black. But when you purge "Elvira Washington" from the voter rolls, sounds black, but you don't know. It's like being pulled over by a blind cop, you know? He hears your hip-hop music, how's he supposed to know you're a Jewish kid from Oberlin?
JON STEWART: Look, the whole thing... he's not supposed to know. The whole thing is a farce. In-person voter fraud doesn't exist. It's like outlawing New York Met World Series celebrations. It doesn't....
LARRY WILMORE: Let it go, Jon.
JON STEWART: All right.
LARRY WILMORE: Actually, voter fraud laws have given me a great idea.
JON STEWART: What is that?
LARRY WILMORE: Voter fraud. Watch this, Jon. I urge black people to vote early and often! And then late! OK? Now, it's going to take a concerted "get out the fraud" effort.
JON STEWART: Are you sure, Larry, you want to just come in on national television and advocate breaking the law?
LARRY WILMORE: It's basic cable, it's not national television! Besides, you call it breaking the law, I call it making up for lost time. Sure. All those years we counted as 3/5s of a person while we were doing 10/5s of the work?
JON STEWART: (starts doing math on paper, fails) I... don't understand fractions.
LARRY WILMORE: How old's this country, Jon?
JON STEWART: About 240.
LARRY WILMORE: How long have black people been allowed to vote?
JON STEWART: About 150.
LARRY WILMORE: In Alabama?
JON STEWART: About 48.
LARRY WILMORE: Exactly. Now, we got to keep extra-voting until we catch up. Here's some tips to help black people extra-vote for the first time, OK? First, confidence. Now remember, these polling stations are staffed by sweet old white ladies. Use that shit, all right? Oh yeah, just walk in tall, point and nod, yeah that's me right there, Mildred Higgins.
JON STEWART: Right. Yeah, you're Mildred Higgins, sure, yeah, right.
LARRY WILMORE: YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT??
JON STEWART: No, go ahead, you can go right there and do that. That's fine.
LARRY WILMORE: Which brings us to tip #2: intimidation.
JON STEWART: Oh, that's nice, I get that.
LARRY WILMORE: You see how I did that? I'M HERE TO VOTE! WHERE'S MY BALLOT??
JON STEWART: (quickly hands him a ballot) Wow, you're right. That is intimidating.
LARRY WILMORE: C'mon, Jon, you're such a sweet old white lady.
JON STEWART: Aw, thank you, Larry. On the off chance that yelling doesn't work...?
LARRY WILMORE: OK, again, we're dealing with the elderly. They don't see so well, so you can always use the art of disguise. (takes off glasses)
JON STEWART: Oh yeah, right, the art of disguise is going to make sure that people.... Hey, where'd Larry go? I was just talking to Larry about voter fraud. Have you seen him?
LARRY WILMORE: (in Italian accent) What is this Larry? I'm-a Luigi! I want-a my ballot and-a some vino!
JON STEWART: All right, I'm sorry, I'll try and find a ballot for you. (Wilmore puts glasses back on) Oh! Geez! Larry! I was just talking with an Asian gentleman
LARRY WILMORE: Was my accent that bad?
JON STEWART: It was terrible. I really think you should stick with intimidation.
LARRY WILMORE: I know, you're probably right.
JON STEWART: All right.
LARRY WILMORE: GIMME ANOTHER BALLOT! I FUCKED THIS ONE UP!
JON STEWART: All right, here you go. Take two of them. Larry Wilmore, everybody. We'll be right back.
would go, with Cain dealing with the Chinese debt crisis.
, where pastors across the country will openly advocate for a political candidate (guess which one) in defiance of the IRS, and spoke with one of the pastors leading the charge, San Diego's
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