Sorry for the provocative title, but that's about where I'm at with my life.
So, my estranged wife is out for a romantic weekend, and I feel like I'm losing my mind, literally.
I'm anxious, and nauseous. I can't stop thinking about their happiness (in all ways, not just sexual), and I can't deal with the powerlessness I have. I feel like I HAVE to write his or . . . i don't know . . . i just need feedback and support.
Some background and meditations following the hopefully helpful squiggly.
We have been separated for over a year now, since I was laid off by the city school district. I have had to live with my parents, about 2 hours away from my children, who still lived with their mom. That is, until the start of this year's school year for the kids.
Due to financial constraints on my exwife, Mary (not her real name), I offered to move into one of the three bedrooms (forcing our kids to share a room) to split expenses (I was mostly splitting them anyway).
Earlier this week, I overheard her talking to a friend saying "yeah, it's still nice and sweet," "we're taking it slow," and "that's your deal, i just want to get laid." So, now, this weekend, after Mary signing me up to take the kids camping (which, due to a social anxiety is hard for me), she let me know that she was going to be gone for the whole weekend.
Naturally, I assume she's away with her new-found...i can't force myself to write "lover" but what other word is there?
Yes, I know it's circumstantial. Further, even when we were married, she would go away to see music (she LOVES music). But, I just know she's with him.
And as I said, I'm losing my mind. This has been a catalyst for (what I see now) has been a long-brewing depression from living with my parents, not having a job, having less and less desire to participate in things, to even look for a job. My life is one of continual regret and a complete lack of ability to be in control of my life and MAKE things happen.
I got a job with the school district on an emergency certification that I failed to convert into a true certification due to this extreme laziness. I was first let go b/c of the emergency cert. Even though I got kinda scammed just to be able to get the emergency cert, and I couldn't afford the several thousand, out of pocket, it would've cost to convert the cert b/c of the scam, I haven't done anything since to become the teacher I've always wanted to be.
I can't stop thinking about them, and about the old life mary and I had. It wasn't perfect, by any means. But we have two GREAT kids, and almost ten years together before it ended. Before finding out, I had no inclination towards reunion with Mary.
Now, it's all i can think of. I know myself so little that I don't know if it's simply b/c of how shitty the rest of my life is that i'm struggling for anything combined with the fact that she has someone and is happy and i don't...Or, maybe my depression was b/c I truly want to try a reunion, try to make it work.
I see now what I am, what I must have been to live with ~ I was an inactive and passive participant in life ~ watching it pass me by, and not taking any control over my destiny, seeing it as a chore to play with my kids and spend time as a family ~ i w/drew over the years into various escapes, not being a good partner or friend to Mary, or as good a father as i could be, as i feel myself to be (I just can't make myself be that person...and I have no idea why?)
I'm trying now to do things...get up at a set time every day, exercise at least a few minutes every day, look for a job every day, spend at least an hour with the kids every day...but even that's depressingly hard for me.
What can I even offer Mary? What kind of a person am i that she should want to be my partner?? And that's yet another thing to further freak me out.
I'm sorry this is so long, but like I said, I feel like i have to get this out, and (even sadder to me) the only place i can turn for support is a virtual community that I only participate in at the barest tangent...
12:33 PM PT: Thanks for the words everyone. My kids and I are going to go to my parents house for the night and next day, and I will try to message people directly for their help.
3:59 PM PT: again, thanks all for commenting and offering your encouragement and advice. I'm going to really try to use this crisis to turn things around ~ even if i wanted Mary back, i have to take care of my own life before I could do that.
It's still going to be hard, thinking every time's she's out, she's out with someone else. But I'll get there. I just need time.
and i've decided that I'd like to try to have an honest conversation with Mary about my thoughts and feelings.