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So the web has been abuzz with talk about Rep. Paul Broun (R - Untreated Schizophrenia) - the Republican/Tea Party Chairman of the House Subcommittee on Investigations and Oversight for the Science and Technology Committee - having gone on record as declaring evolution a Satanic conspiracy, and the Earth 9,000 years old.  Following his remarks, Rep. Broun has come under sharp criticism from fellow Tea Party members for that 9,000-year figure, since the figure currently derived by evangelical pastors via entrail-reading, witch-torturing, and omen-interpretation is 5,102 years.  But some Republicans are dissatisfied with this figure as well, noting that it has too many numbers and is too hard for many of them to comprehend.

That is why, close on the heels of Rep. Broun's comments, Rep. Eustace Beauregard Jefferson Davis III (R - AL) has come out with his own theory about the age of the world.  "The current figure put out by the pastors puts the Creation too far away," said Davis.  "Where's the faith in saying the world was made five thousand years ago?  It's easy to ignore blasphemous evidence that's older than that, and that only some college professors understand."  Instead, Rep. Davis has proposed that Earth is actually 3 minutes old.  "Now there's a real test of faith - ignoring your own immediate memories of everything more than 3 minutes ago and placing your faith in me.  Now there is the act of a true Christian."  

The controversial Alabama Congressman - known for his attempts to reinstitute slavery and declarations that Jesus supported marrying underage cousins - has also come out with an announcement about the shape of the Earth, declaring it to be a "flat," "pear-shaped" object made of orange construction paper.  "I know this for a fact.  You see, I myself recently created the world as part of an exercise prescribed by a court-ordered psychiatric examination, following some...unpleasantness...during a Bible retreat to Boca Raton that I'd rather not discuss."  Davis went on to describe evolution as a "conspiracy by Hungarian homosexuals to corrupt the Census," and called Broun's 9,000-year Creation figure a "fart directly from Satan's asshole that smells like Jewry."  

Davis has recently been appointed the GOP's Diversity Outreach Committee Chairman, and was honored as the Tea Party's Science Man of The Year for his work on the luminiferous aethers that arise when fire and water elements (two of the five fundamental elements recognized in evangelical Christianity - Earth, air, fire, water, and money) are alchemically interchanged.  When asked about the controversial comments, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney swiftly endorsed them, then upon hearing that he was in Massachusetts, swiftly condemned them before reversing himself again when that information was found to be incorrect.  "Where the hell am I again?  Ohio?  Ugh.  I'll have a press release for you when my plane lands in Indiana."

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Comment Preferences

  •  When (10+ / 0-)
    ignoring your own immediate memories of everything more than 3 minutes ago and placing your faith in me.
    I created the world 8 minutes ago I created him to do that.  Short term memory is my specialty, well that and Jenga.
    •  To actually (4+ / 0-)

      comment on the content of the diary, this literal  interpretation of the bible is the dumbest.  To think, even if there is a God similar to the Judeo Christian one, and holding archaic text to a man made unit of time is absolutely preposterous.  

      It's not as if there isn't a good excuse not believe the world in 5,000 years, one could always say that the time in Genesis is colloquial and that a day to God is far different than to you and I.  You can also track the evolution of the universe that way.

      "Hey I know that on day 4 god did blah blah blah, that's actually these millions of years, and day 5 are these."

      See how easy that is Christians?

      •  Any interpretation of the Bible as anything (10+ / 0-)

        other than a compendium of Copper Age parochial Levantine tribal myths, poetry, philosophy, and fables is moronic and pig-ignorant.  These people just have no conception that there are thousands upon thousands of other traditions by ancient civilizations of the time equal if not greater in scope, eloquence, and insight to their dismal desert mythologies (and there are plenty of other dismal desert mythologies to compete with theirs, from other deserts around the world).

        Everything there is to know about the GOP: They're the Bad Guys.

        by Troubadour on Sat Oct 06, 2012 at 09:23:51 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  Well, y'know, (6+ / 0-)

          in the church I was forced to attend as a child -- the minister and most of the higher-ups were liberal.  The minister's wife taught an adult-level Sunday School class on The Bible as Literature.  (She also got an award from the state for her real job as a schoolteacher.)

          It was down-ticket, as they say, that I ran into trouble.

          The educated people: minister, wife, deacons: understood from metaphor.

          Some of the others (including my mother) took a much more literalist approach.

          We can argue that the literalists are missing the point -- believe me, they ARE.  They wouldn't get it if you ran across them with a steamroller: they are too into their own little sectarian interpretations and can't see the beauty within the poetry and the nuance of, especially, the King James version.

          Metaphor as a concept long ago passed them by.

          I grew up with this mentality.  I once, in Sunday School, argued in favor of evolution (I have always liked science) against an indoctrinated kid.

          There is no redeeming a mind once lost to the poverty of belief against all evidence.  Not that I've ever witnessed, anyway -- I do not rule it out.

          But -- to paraphrase -- you can't persuade someone to believe the facts when they've been taught that the life of their soul depends on believing in fairy dust.

          And that's what the anti-evolutionists think; and their friends, who think the Earth is only about five thousand years old.

          Science will never convince them.

          They don't even believe in double-blind studies.

          (ducks & runs)

          To make the argument that the media has a left- or right-wing, or a liberal or a conservative bias, is like asking if the problem with Al-Qaeda is do they use too much oil in their hummus. Al Franken

          by Youffraita on Sun Oct 07, 2012 at 01:01:11 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  I've said it before, and I'll say it again. (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Aunt Pat, Youffraita

            Trying to reason with Creationists is an act of intellectual necrophilia.

            Everything there is to know about the GOP: They're the Bad Guys.

            by Troubadour on Sun Oct 07, 2012 at 01:31:17 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

          •  I had an amusing Sunday School misstep (5+ / 0-)

            in Afghanistan of all places... in @ 1960... (father was with the US embassy) I had one parent agnostic... the other more of a liberal believer, so not surprisingly I had a very cursory awareness of Christianity by the time I was 9 or 10 when this incident happened.

            At one point my mother arranged for my brothers and I  to attend some sort of regular Christianist teaching event for kids... it did not last for us since my parents did not really like the flavor of this only-game-in-town evangelical style instruction.... (My dad called those kinds of Christians "Christers")  It was of course for the US international  community only, take it or leave it. At some point I also went to another "Sunday School" thing for a while... don't remember much but a young secretary at the embassy was the teacher.

            Heh... she asked the kids there one Sunday... "Can you name one of the 10 commandments?" And we each raised our hands or not and there were some correct responses... I guess with my more well rounded and secular awareness I had somehow missed direct instruction that included the 10 commandments... I racked my brains and all I could come up with was something I had recently come across which was:

            "God helps those who help themselves"
            .... the teacher looked scandalized... like I was a tainted intrusion into a sanctuary of right thinking-ness... and the revelation that not only did I not know ANY of the 10 commandments I suggested a very subversive phrase instead.

            Of course that quote is Ben Franklin from "Poor Richard's Almanac"... And the end of the Sunday School career in Afghanistan for me came not long after.

            I did catch up on Christian general knowledge later during a couple of years in India... went Anglican there and then naturally Episcopalian when we got back to the US... could name all the books of the bible, recite creeds yadda yadda, was confirmed, was in the church choir etc. but I still am most proud of my mistaken commandment there in Kabul @1960.

            Pogo & Murphy's Law, every time. Also "Trust but verify" - St. Ronnie (hah...)

            by IreGyre on Sun Oct 07, 2012 at 04:48:14 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

          •  It actually shows (4+ / 0-)

            How weak and shallow their faith is. A faith that cannot adjust to facts is not a very strong one at all.

            "You have attributed conditions to villainy that simply result from stupidity"

            by newfie on Sun Oct 07, 2012 at 07:25:07 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            •  Yes, indeed. (3+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:
              Troubadour, newfie, Youffraita

              During my college years, I wanted to see the new movie "The Last Temptation of Christ." I had to drive six hours to Atlanta to find a theatre that hadn't banned it. Looking back, it wasn't quite worth it.

              Anyway, at the theatre I found that I had to walk a gauntlet before getting inside. There were many dozens of vocal, in-your-face protesters, all of them yelling at me, saying I was going to hell for wanting to see this movie.

              They were still there when I exited. It was obvious that none of them had actually seen the movie; all their vitriol and condemnations were based on what they THOUGHT MIGHT be in the movie, not what was actually there (which, ironically, wasn't really all that much).

              One particularly beligerent church-lady was waving a sign in my face and screaming that I was going to hell. "Have you actually seen the movie?" I yelled back.

              "I don't need to! I have faith in Jesus!" was her answer.

              I retorted, "If your faith is so WEAK that it cannot withstand a simple MOVIE, Jesus is very disappointed in you!"

              As I walked away, the last thing I saw was the crazy lady putting down her sign and silently standing there. I'd like to think I talked some sense into her, but I know better.

              There are two types of Republicans: millionaires and suckers.

              by Phil T Duck on Sun Oct 07, 2012 at 09:15:50 AM PDT

              [ Parent ]

    •  And how can you be sure I didn't create you (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Troubadour, basquebob, Aunt Pat

      5 seconds ago to think you created the world 8 minutes ago and created him to do that?  Perhaps I created him before you, but find your delusion amusing.  And perhaps I created the universe just to make this post, and now that I've made it, it will cease to exist, but everyone will merely think that it still exists, since I created them to do that, too.

  •  I suppose that (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    as an expert worshipper of Satan's asshole the man would know. Or was that a gay Jewish Hungarian man in a devil's costume at the last halloween party he attended? Was it before or after the "personal scientific research" of teh gay sexual practices with the gay hungarian jewish devil? Did that happen three minutes before the press conference?
    Just resign dude. Seriously. And take your meds on schedule. It will make your life easier.

  •  Been following this today (7+ / 0-)

    So I had to stop reading and rec for this -

    So the web has been abuzz with talk about Rep. Paul Broun (R - Untreated Schizophrenia)

    Best intro yet on this assclown.

  •  The Universe: Good Genes or Good Docs? (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Troubadour, Aunt Pat

    "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room." - President Merkin Muffley

    by Farkletoo on Sat Oct 06, 2012 at 09:40:11 PM PDT

  •  Except for the nam,e Eustace sounds (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Troubadour, luckydog, Youffraita, Aunt Pat

    a lot like my rep in the state legislature here in GA.

    The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

    by irishwitch on Sat Oct 06, 2012 at 09:44:25 PM PDT

    •  Eustace (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Troubadour, Aunt Pat

      is the guy on the New Yorker magazine covers with the monocle.  He dates from about the 1930s, and they bring him out every so often for nostalgic purposes.

      To make the argument that the media has a left- or right-wing, or a liberal or a conservative bias, is like asking if the problem with Al-Qaeda is do they use too much oil in their hummus. Al Franken

      by Youffraita on Sun Oct 07, 2012 at 01:06:42 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  My state rep however probably agrees with all (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:

        the political positions attached to this fiction...He thinks it's a great idea to ban abortion after 20 weeks even if the fetus has died in utero, because his cows have still births all the time and women are just like cows....

        The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

        by irishwitch on Sun Oct 07, 2012 at 08:18:27 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  World is 3 mins old, created by Troubadour... (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Troubadour, IreGyre, Aunt Pat that I might believe.

    Not to give ya a swelled head or anything.


  •  prove it! (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Troubadour, IreGyre, Aunt Pat
    "Eustace Beauregard Jefferson Davis III" does not exist.
    if he doesn't exist, the tea party will create him, and run him for office in 2014. as for boca raton, there have been rumors...........
  •  The Earth looks rather hastily built (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Aunt Pat, lurkyloo, native, Troubadour

    (1) There are foundation problems that manifest themselves as rather frequent earthquakes.

    (2) The HVAC system can't maintain its temperature.

    (3) The sprinkler system over-waters the pacific northwest while the sprinkler heads in the sahara haven't worked in years.

    (4) The alarm system keeps going off about crazy CT theories while ignoring actual thievery.

    (5) The tides.  Fish could eat all damn day if they didn't have to spend most of their time hiding from currents.

    (6) The place is obviously sitting on a landfill that continuously precipitates lava, methane, radon, tar, oil, and all other manner of yuckiness.

    (7) Too many occupants.  The place was originally built as a 2-bdrm w/ bonus rm but the occupants converted the garage into two more small bedrooms and added a half-bath and now 7 billion people live in the place.  The plumbing is overtaxed and there is no parking.

    (8) There are a half-dozen conflicting home warranty plans printed in a host of languages, and no one can agree one whether the place is supposed to be closed on Saturday, Sunday, or not at all.

    (9) The fridge is running out of all the really good munchies.  We're short on ahi tuna, but there are tons of anchovies.  Problem is, no one really likes anchovies except on pizza.

    (10) Just about the time all the salmon is concentrated and easy to catch, the entire population simultaneoulsy rots apart while alive.  What idiot planned this feature?

    "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win". Mohandas K. Gandhi

    by DaveinBremerton on Sun Oct 07, 2012 at 07:31:12 AM PDT

    •  And let's not forget the "perfect design" (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:

      of the human body in "God's image" - you know, the design with an appendix, prone to hiccups, that gets hemmorhoids, that eats through the same tube it breathes through, and whose sub-systems are constantly going wrong.

      Everything there is to know about the GOP: They're the Bad Guys.

      by Troubadour on Sun Oct 07, 2012 at 03:31:06 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

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