So the web has been abuzz with talk about Rep. Paul Broun (R - Untreated Schizophrenia) - the Republican/Tea Party Chairman of the House Subcommittee on Investigations and Oversight for the Science and Technology Committee - having gone on record as declaring evolution a Satanic conspiracy, and the Earth 9,000 years old. Following his remarks, Rep. Broun has come under sharp criticism from fellow Tea Party members for that 9,000-year figure, since the figure currently derived by evangelical pastors via entrail-reading, witch-torturing, and omen-interpretation is 5,102 years. But some Republicans are dissatisfied with this figure as well, noting that it has too many numbers and is too hard for many of them to comprehend.
That is why, close on the heels of Rep. Broun's comments, Rep. Eustace Beauregard Jefferson Davis III (R - AL) has come out with his own theory about the age of the world. "The current figure put out by the pastors puts the Creation too far away," said Davis. "Where's the faith in saying the world was made five thousand years ago? It's easy to ignore blasphemous evidence that's older than that, and that only some college professors understand." Instead, Rep. Davis has proposed that Earth is actually 3 minutes old. "Now there's a real test of faith - ignoring your own immediate memories of everything more than 3 minutes ago and placing your faith in me. Now there is the act of a true Christian."
The controversial Alabama Congressman - known for his attempts to reinstitute slavery and declarations that Jesus supported marrying underage cousins - has also come out with an announcement about the shape of the Earth, declaring it to be a "flat," "pear-shaped" object made of orange construction paper. "I know this for a fact. You see, I myself recently created the world as part of an exercise prescribed by a court-ordered psychiatric examination, following some...unpleasantness...during a Bible retreat to Boca Raton that I'd rather not discuss." Davis went on to describe evolution as a "conspiracy by Hungarian homosexuals to corrupt the Census," and called Broun's 9,000-year Creation figure a "fart directly from Satan's asshole that smells like Jewry."
Davis has recently been appointed the GOP's Diversity Outreach Committee Chairman, and was honored as the Tea Party's Science Man of The Year for his work on the luminiferous aethers that arise when fire and water elements (two of the five fundamental elements recognized in evangelical Christianity - Earth, air, fire, water, and money) are alchemically interchanged. When asked about the controversial comments, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney swiftly endorsed them, then upon hearing that he was in Massachusetts, swiftly condemned them before reversing himself again when that information was found to be incorrect. "Where the hell am I again? Ohio? Ugh. I'll have a press release for you when my plane lands in Indiana."