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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

Today I gave a major speech on what my foreign policy would be, if I had one. I do not know what was in it; all I was required to do was read the statement prepared for me by my foreign policy advisers. I do not like meeting with that group—they are odd individuals, and tend towards whispered discussions and inappropriate humors—so I had a lower member of the staff obtain the speech from them. The papers smell strongly of cigar smoke and beef jerky.

My staff had to cut much of their proposed language out, mostly a large number of paragraphs explaining which nations can go to hell and what efforts I would undertake as president in order to send them there. Eric F. said that commoner units do not like sending more than one or two other nations to hell at once, as the implementation of such poses considerable burdens on the commoner class, and that we should therefore pare the list considerably for now. (There was also a full three pages of language about how Russia and China could perform a specific bodily function on themselves, all of which needed to be cut due to broadcast decency rulings.) The foreign policy team was apparently quite chagrined, but I had word sent to them that we could add the other language back in once I was safely elected.

Fallout from the Big Bird incident continues. On advice of staff, I have declined to participate further in something called the Nickelodeon "Kids Pick The President" special. Apparently I had been expected to answer questions posed to me by small children, but after promising to fire the large television bird my staff judged that too many of the questions from that demographic would likely be hostile. Apparently all other presidential candidates have participated in this event over the years, but all other presidential candidates have also released multiple years of tax returns as well—I do not think our campaign needs to be unduly burdened by such traditions.

It is a shame, because the network is named after money, or after a machine in which people deposit money, and so I had felt an immediate kinship. (I also am constantly surrounded by child units, although my versions are of more appropriate wealth). I am not, however, willing to risk taking questions from young children in public. There are too many dangers involved.

My experiment in forgoing all sleep has been terminated. Over the weekend my staff explained to me that I had indeed been sleeping each night, but that I was simply not aware of it because I was not conscious at the time.

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