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BREAKING NEWS:
New Fragments of Ancient Scripture Found; Authentic Says Hierarchy, Requires Faith

Rome – October 4, 2012 – The Feast of St. Francis - Officials within the Vatican have confirmed the recent discovery of fragments of early scripture hidden deep in the archives of the Vatican Library that reportedly support Church teaching on a variety of current cultural and moral issues, and social teachings.
In a statement issued today, The Vatican Under Secretary for Social Control confirmed the discovery saying, “This is an important finding, one in which the teaching of The Church, and of our brother Christian Churches throughout the world, is confirmed.”

The Vatican would not confirm how the scripture fragments were discovered or where they were authenticated and translated. In announcing this discovery, The Vatican provided a translated narrative of the ancient fragments.

“When the Disciples arrived for the Passover Supper, Jesus greeted them at the door. ‘Peace be Upon You’, he said.  ‘Truly I say to you, before you enter this house, exam your conscience, and ask yourself if you agree with my position on same sex relationships.  If you do not, depart from me, for you are not welcome to dip your hand into the same bowl’.”
A statement released by an anonymous spokesman for the office of the Most Rev. John J. Meyers, Archbishop of Newark, NJ, stated that “the Archbishop, and other Church Hierarchy throughout America, absorbed a great deal of undue criticism for his recently released pastoral letter on marriage equality. Some of the Faithful were concerned that their brothers and sisters were excluded from sharing at the Lord’s Table because of their lack of credence in Church teaching on marriage equality and contraception.  This now proves, without a doubt, the validity of Church instruction. There is little left to say.  Only compliance is required.”

Cardinal Archbishops throughout the United States hailed the discovery as a “gift of the Spirit”, saying that Christians of all denominations were "obliged by faith" to respond through appropriate ballot action in the upcoming November Presidential elections. They, however, failed to give a firm directive to the Faithful.

“And Jesus said to them, ‘Go out to all those whose treasuries are full with the coins of Caesar and seek reward from them.  For God and Caesar must work together to allow you to worship, and keep the unclean spirits of those that seek contraception away from the houses of healing’.”
An unnamed spokesman for the Most Rev. John C. Nienstedt, Archbishop of St. Paul and Minneapolis, MN,  confirmed that the newly discovered scriptural fragments provide a theological basis for the recent fundraising campaign directed toward Diocesan Catholics for the purpose of approving the State Constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriage.  "The work of the State, when properly governed, and the Church are not incompatible, as confirmed by scripture", the spokesman added.

Evidence is still being sought as to how the scripture fragments came into the possession of the Vatican. Scholars having access state that it must have been after Vatican II given the radical change of thinking in the Church. Other, non-Church connected scholars state that the authenticity of these new words of Jesus is greatly questioned and is certainly not the basis of faith.

For further information, please…Oh forget it, there’s nothing more to say!

Authors note:  This is a satirical piece. No offense is meant towards any particular religious denomination or belief, or persons of faith, of which the author is one. All quotations and scriptural passages are fictitious.

Originally posted to R.T. Saunders on Thu Oct 11, 2012 at 07:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Daily Kos Satire.

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