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In a bold gambit to regain the initiative in next month's US presidential election, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has threatened to renounce his American citizenship if he is not elected.  "I have tolerated much insolence from inferior people on the campaign trail," said Romney, in a press briefing this morning.  "I have been subjected to mockery of my regal proclamations; commoners touching my royal personage; and demands from people who have never owned a dressage horse in their entire lives that I reveal my tax returns.  All of this was outrageous enough.  But if the people of the Unified States of Amlerica continue to insolently refuse my authority, I will have no choice but to divest myself of their accursed realm and seek a country where I am appreciated."

According to Romney spokesman Waylan Smithers, preparations had already been made to purchase an Emirati citizenship and noble title.  "Mr. Romney has always enjoyed yachting around the Dubai marinas - the United Arab Emirates knows how to treat a man of true quality.  If his bid to rule the US is unsuccessful, and his backup campaigns in Brazil and Australia fall through, he will be happy to declare his heartfelt eternal loyalty to the Emirates and assume the title of Emir Potentate Grand High Mufti Romney Khan."

When asked if Romney is considering the Cayman Islands, Smithers said the taxes were too high.  But aren't taxes for the wealthy zero in the Caymans?  "Like I said, too high.  Making Mr. Romney pay taxes is a crime against nature.  Would you make God pay taxes?  Well, I wouldn't, and I can't imagine Mr. Romney wanting to live in a country that would make God pay taxes.  The people should be paying taxes to him for the privilege of serving him, which is how things work in the Gulf kingdoms and Texas."

At a subsequent campaign stop, Romney noted "I would threaten to fire all my Amlerican employees if I'm not elected, but since I don't have any - I outsourced all their jobs to China years ago - I guess I just have to appeal to your sense of appreciation and loyalty for all my hard work on your behalf.  If I'm not here to enjoy the fruits of your uncompensated labor, who will?  I feel your pain.  While sipping daiquiries on my yacht, my mind is constantly figuring out how best for you to serve me...you know, for the benefit of all."  When asked why Americans should vote for him, Romney became angry.  "Look, I spend a good 26% of my time and almost 15% of my money in this country.  The people of Amlerica owe me!  And let me tell you another thing, you'll miss me if I go!  I'll say bad things about you behind your backs to the rich people of other countries!"

Pundits were swift to laud the threat as a "bold," "presidential" move that should put to rest undecided voters' concerns about Romney and tighten up the race.  "Every presidential candidate in American history since Mitt Romney has threatened to renounce their citizenship if they don't win.  It's tradition," said conservative commentator Peggy Noonan.  "Romney really sounded strong and eloquent making this threat," said MSNBC contributor Chris Matthews - "Barack Obama's affirmations of patriotism and love of country could sound weak and effeminate to white, working-class voters in Pennsylvania and Ohio.  Team Obama should be worried."

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