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Late Night Snark: 25 Days and Counting Edition

George Washington
"I cannot tell a lie---cuz
I'm not Mitt Romney!
Boom! Nailed it!!!"
"This race is as tight as Mitt's smile when he meets a poor person."
---Stephen Colbert
"Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden…or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird."
---David Letterman
"Liar! Lie lie liar lie lie liar lie! Lie lie lie liar! Lie Romney lie! Romney lie lie!"
---Jon Stewart, on how he would've responded to Romney at last week's debate
"A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, 'Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about.'"
---Jimmy Fallon
And Bill Maher live-tweeting last night's debate:
Hello 9 1 1? There's an old man beating a child on my tv
Why do Romney/Ryan keep arguing for Woodrow Wilsons's navy?
All that's left is for Biden to throw Ryan a handkerchief: "Here, clean yourself up kid."
If you missed the 90-minute debate, you can catch an abbreviated version of it online with only the Biden highlights. All 89 minutes of 'em.

Your west coast-friendly edition of  Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 12, 2012

Note: Remember back in 2005 when you asked me to remind you about the roast in the oven?  [Tap Tap!]  Don't forget the roast in the oven.


By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next New Moon on Monday: 3
(Source: Duran Duran)
Days 'til the Na Lima Hana Festival in Kaua'i: 5
Seasonally-adjusted first-time claims for unemployment insurance this week, the lowest since Feb. 2008: 339,000
(Source: Labor Dept. via Meteor Blades)
Worldwide instances of piracy between January and June of 2011: 266
Worldwide instances of piracy between January and June of 2012: 177
(Source: ICC International Maritime Bureau)
Percent of peak at which southern Maine's fall colors stand: 75%
(Source: The Maine forestry dudes)
Weight of Oregonian Thad Starr's winning pumpkin at the Half Moon Bay, CA pumpkin weigh-off: 1,775 lbs.


Friday Joe Lieberman Wanker Walk Countdown:
Joe Lieberman will end his Senate reign of error in 95 days.

Puppy Pic of the Day:  SIR!


CHEERS to the Comeback Kid.  Today Vice President Joe Biden traveled to Wisconsin where he bounded onstage, opened his briefcase, and dumped Paul Ryan's bleached bones on the floor.  Holy mackeral---last night it felt like Joe and moderator Martha Radditz were engaged in a serious policy discussion while Ryan was tagging along as part of Take Your Child To Work Day.  While the visibly rattled Ryan drank and drank (and drank!) from his glass, Biden chewed on his as he tore into the Tea Party wonder boy's malarky and "bunch of stuff" with one brain lobe tied behind his back, up to and including a "you're no Jack Kennedy" moment that set twitter on fire.  And check this out:

Biden headed to Wisconsin
after last night's debate.
Biden: "These people are my mom and dad---the people I grew up with, my neighbors. They pay more effective tax than Governor Romney pays in his federal income tax.  They are elderly people who in fact are living off of Social Security.  They are veterans and people fighting in Afghanistan right now who are, quote, “not paying any tax.”

I’ve had it up to here with this notion that 47 percent---it’s about time they take some responsibility here.  And instead of signing pledges to Grover Norquist not to ask the wealthiest among us to contribute to bring back the middle class, they should be signing a pledge saying to the middle class we’re going to level the playing field; we’re going to give you a fair shot again."

While Mitt Romney listened to the debate by sticking his head out of the rolled-down window of his private jet as it circled Danville, Kentucky, Ryan stammered his way to a closing argument that was reminiscent of Bobby Jindal's disastrous rebuttal to Obama's State of the Union address a few years back.  The debate was such a one-sided massacre that at the end you could practically hear the disclaimer: "I'm Barack Obama and I approved this message."  Afterward, Biden went back to his hotel for a meal of sheet metal spaghetti with brass balls and victory sauce.  My bottom line: neither candidate offered to fix the potholes on my street, so I'm voting for the Third Way candidate, who is outside now filling them himself.  Faster, Bloomberg!  Faster!

P.S. Kudos also to Elizabeth Warren for bulldozing Scott Brown closer to the scrap heap of political obscurity Wednesday night.  The wheels on the truck go pffft pffft pffft…

JEERS to big assholes with big pieholes.  Hey, if it's a day ending in "y", that must mean it's another day where a Republican has said something so stupid and callous that normal people's jaws are dropping faster than rocks.  This is Roger Rivard, a sitting member of the state legislature in Wisconsin, boasting about the sound advice his father once gave him:

Assorted nuts
Rivard family reunion
“If you do [have premarital sex], just remember, consensual sex can turn into rape in an awful hurry. … Because all of a sudden a young lady gets pregnant and the parents are madder than a wet hen and she’s not going to say, ‘Oh, yeah, I was part of the program.’  All that she has to say or the parents have to say is it was rape because she’s underage.  And [my father] just said, ‘Remember, Roger, if you go down that road, some girls,’ he said, ‘they rape so easy.’"
What's even more bizarre is that the question was, "Dad, can I have a cookie?"

CHEERS to naval gazing. 237 years ago tomorrow, the Continental Congress said, "Sure, why not?" (or, more accurately: "Sureth, why noteth?") to arming two ships with cannons. Little did they know that they had just formed the United States Navy.  Their first official slogan is still in use today: "Beat Army."

JEERS to unsolicited advice.  Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says the U.S. economy must not be allowed to be thrown off the fiscal cliff by Congress.  I believe his exact words were, "That's Wall Street's job."

CHEERS to great performances. On October 12, 1960, Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev went ballistic at the United Nations, took off his shoe and pounded it on his desk.  Two words: bug...dead.

CHEERS to home vegetation.  Get off your butts, people, and do something besides stare at your computer screen all day!  Like, say, lie on your stomach and stare at your TV screen all weekend!  Here's some of the haps: On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher's lineup is, um, interesting: Ann Coulter (hawking her book, which is selling like doorstops), Ben Affleck, incompetent Rep. Darrell Issa and Montana Gov. Brian Schweitzer.  New DVD releases include Ridley Scott's oddly-flat Alien prequel Prometheus and the 35th anniversary Blu Ray of E.T..  Your MLB end-of-season schedule is here.  The NFL schedule is here.  (The Patriots will "flip the bird" at the Seahawks---Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!)  Christina Applegate hosts SNL.  On 60 Minutes: Bond…James Bond.  And wash it all down Sunday night with a little Simpsons and Boardwalk Empire.

Don’t forget to the best weekend morning shows, Up! With Chris Hayes and Melissa Harris-Perry.  And here's your Sunday morning lineup---sharp-eyed readers may detect a subtle theme:

U.S. Vice President Joe Biden (L) debates Republican vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan (R) during the U.S. vice presidential debate in Danville, Kentucky October 11, 2012.  REUTERS/Matt Sullivan
"Who lost the debate? 'That one!'"
Meet the Press: VP DEBATE ANALYSIS with Gov. Bob Ultrasound (R-VA), Mayor Kasim Reed (D-Atlanta), Jennifer Granholm, very rude GOP strategist Alex Castellanos and Tom Brokaw; Stephen Colbert on his seven years of Colbert Reporting.

This Week: VP DEBATE ANALYSIS with Delaware Attorney General Beau Biden and Ohio Sen. Rob Portman;  and last night's moderator Martha Radditz; roundtable with George Will, Richard Norton, Donna Brazile, Newt Gingrich and...Chris Dodd?  Really?

Face the Nation: VP DEBATE ANALYSIS with Sen. Lindsay Graham, Rep. Darrell Issa and Rep. Elijah Cummings; roundtable with John Dickerson, Bay Buchanan, Katrina vanden Heuvel, Frank Luntz and David Corn.

Bill Moyers & Company (link): VP DEBATE ANALYSIS with… Ha Ha just kidding!  James Balog, one of the world’s premier cinemaphotographers captures climate change as it happens; the cofounders of the group "Justice Not Politics," Democrat Sally Pederson and Republican Joy Corning, talk about the pitfalls of states where judges are elected (and bought?).

Washington Week: VP DEBATE ANALYSIS with Jeff Zeleney (NYT), Karen Tumulty (WaPost), Doyle McManus (L.A. Times) and Alexis Simendinger (Real Clear Politics)

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: VP DEBATE ANALYSIS with Ed Gillespie and David Axelrod; roundtable with Brit Hume, Bob Woodward, Laura Ingraham and Jeff Zeleney.

Happy viewing!

Four years ago in C&J: October 12, 2008

CHEERS to hearing from the other side.  Ask any Democrat how the McCain campaign is doing and they'll tell you it's overmatched, dysfunctional, incoherent, incompetent, toxic and doomed.  But C&J knows that being fair and balanced means airing the views of our opponents.  So please welcome today's special guest columnist, neocon and conservative godfather Bill Kristol, who is here to talk about the McCain campaign from way over on the other side of the political spectrum:

Bill Kristol as Emperor palpatine
McCain is the Worst Sith in the
World, said Darth Kristol in '08.
[John McCain's] campaign is totally overmatched by Obama’s.  The Obama team is well organized, flush with resources, and the candidate and the campaign are in sync.  The McCain campaign, once merely problematic, is now close to being out-and-out dysfunctional.  Its combination of strategic incoherence and operational incompetence has become toxic.  If the race continues over the next three weeks to be a conventional one, McCain is doomed.

Harsh words, I know.  But sometimes we Democrats need to hear the truth.  Be strong!


And just one more…

Zombie sign
Warning: Zombies Going Galt Ahead!
JEERS to ominous omens of great omeninity.  It's happened in a bunch of other cities but this is the closest it's come to Portland, Maine.  An electronic road-work sign was reprogrammed to read:
That can mean only one thing: the tea party is planning a convention here.  Lock your doors and hide the children.

Have a great weekend!  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?



Who won the week?

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