After being the first man to run a marathon under three hours, Paul Ryan today shattered all previous records by jumping off a balloon hovering over 24 miles above the Earth.
At a news conference shortly after this indefatigable feat, the daredevil Wisconsin Congressman took some questions from reporters.
Reporter: "Congressman, could you please describe your exact feelings as you were standing on the edge of the steps ready to bunny hop?"
PR: "Well I was so up high, I could have sworn I almost touched Ayn Rand's toes. It was a life transforming event. I have worked my entire life touting all the benefits the top 1% bestow on the rest of moocher society, but today, for the first time, I was physically part of the 1%, and its an experience I will never forget."
Reporter: "Congressmen, a few of us were holding our breath as you seemed to tumble after your exit. Did you feel the blood rush to your head? How did you steady yourself?"
PR: "Its the exact same feeling I got when I was writing my serious budget plan. When I first started ruminating about cutting taxes for the top 1%, increasing military spending, and undoing the New Deal, blood was rushing to my head. Even I couldn't fathom how I could present this with a straight face, but fortunately my Cliff's Notes copy of Atlas Shrugged was handy and it steadied me right away."
Reporter: "Have you heard from Mitt Romney yet?"
PR: "Yes our next President congratulated me and joked that I might have the world record for breaking Mach 1.24 in a vertical jump, but his dog had already broken the record going Mach 2 in a horizontal position on the roof of his car. He then segued to important and serious economic issues by asking me if from my vantage point I could see the Cayman Islands, Bermuda, and all the other tax heavens where he is hiding his taxable income."
PR: "Well that's it folks. Thank you all for coming. These baby blue eyes need some rest. Let me just finish by saying that if you can jump from this high up, telling lies with a straight face is a piece of cake."