Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.
I am currently preparing for tomorrow night's debate. As I understand it, the premise of this debate is that the commoners themselves will ask questions of me. This seems highly irregular (typically, the proper response to commoners asking questions is to summon security), but seems to be an expected part of the process. No matter; I still have a great many zinged statements that I did not get to use during the previous debate, most of which can be repurposed towards commoners if need be. I have found commoners to be no brighter than press units, in general: As experiment, I have been alternately promising to cut all taxes and promising that taxes will not be cut, depending on who is asking, and as far as I can discern there is not one person in the nation who has noticed the contradiction.
Speaking of commoners, Mini-Mitt told me that he had recently volunteered at a kitchen for soups. He said it was very arduous work, and that even the clean dishes there were very dirty, forcing him to wash them again because, he said, commoners are well known for not being very good at washing things. This is curious, as I have generally found cleaning things (dishes, cars, houses and the like) to be one of the few things commoners are successful at. (Commoners excel at yard work—I cannot stress enough how very much they seem to enjoy such tasks.) Perhaps there is opportunity here to bring up my tax plan again? If we reduce taxes on wealthy Americans, wealthy Americans will be able to acquire more things; they will then be obliged to hire commoners to come clean those additional things, which will create more commoner jobs in the field of cleaning things. Yes, I will definitely have to remember that for tomorrow night.
I do not have much else to report, Mr. Diary. I have been feeling better about the campaign of late, primarily because I have had to do very little actual campaigning. Most of my time is spent now in fundraisers, which are far more enjoyable than giving speeches to commoners. The enjoyable part about fundraisers is that individuals are assigned seats strictly in accordance with their wealth, with more financially successful individuals nearer the front and lesser wealth units towards the back, in table-by-table gradations. This immediately makes clear who ought to be paid attention to, and in what proportions. It is simple, straightforward and effective. If only the rest of this silly process could be as efficient!