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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

Myths

Those six studies Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan claim support their tax plan really are actual studies.
(Except they're not.)

People won’t pay more for premiums if Medicare is turned into a voucher system.
(Except most will.)

Unicorn
Repealing the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy last year caused a drop in enlistments, hurt unit cohesion, compromised national security and lowered troop morale.
(Except No, No, No and No.)

12 million jobs will be created under the (romney)-RYAN plan.
(Except they won't.)

2012 is certainly not on track to be the hottest year on record in the United States.
(Except it certainly is.)

HPV vaccinations lead to increased promiscuity.
(Except they don't.)

Social Security is going broke, it adds to the deficit, and we have to raise the retirement age because people are living longer.
(Except it's not, it doesn't and we don't.)

Free birth control leads to more abortions and higher health care costs.
(Except it doesn't.)

Cutting taxes is a magical, mystical sure-fire job creator!
(Except it's not.)

Those dishes need washing!
(Except they don't.)

But nice try.

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Note: All cheers and jeers in today's column are, in fact, made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.  Film at 11.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Election Day: 20
Days 'til Escape from Wonderland 2012 in San Bernardino, California: 10
Teen birth rate in the U.S. in 2010: 34 per 1,000
Teen birth rate during a study in St. Louis in which teen girls were given access to free birth control: 6.3 per 1,000
(Source: Obstetrics & Gynecology)
National Association of Home Builders "Builder Sentiment," the highest since June of 2006: 41
Weather this morning for Saturn's moon, Titan: -300 degrees with a 90% chance of methane drizzle

MLB Championship Playoffs
Detroit Tigers lead New York Yankees 3 games to 0
St. Louis Cardinals tied with San Francisco Giants 1-1

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 3 false prophets and 1 Divine Freshmaker).  Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.  

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Puppy Pic of the Day: October is Adopt A Shelter Dog Month.  Or as it's also known: Go Get Adopted By A Shelter Dog Month.

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CHEERS to WINNING!!  The lightning-fingered Jed Lewison has all the play-by-play debate action down-thread, and you should go check out his terrific posts that document the decisive Obama win over the snotty rich guy with the temper.  But here's my take in a nutshell: President Obama drank Mitt Romney's milkshake and then ate the glass.  A few highlights I'm putting in my virtual time capsule:

Hillary Clinton texting
> At Bain Capital Mitt says he "kept binders full of women."  Ah yes, the magical words every lady enjoys hearing in the same sentence: "women," "kept," and "binders."

> Mitt's "Libya Moment" rivaled Gerald Ford's "No Soviet Domination of Eastern Europe Moment." And we all know how that turned out for ol' Jerry.  Plus: Romney steered millions of Americans to go review that Rose Garden statement by Obama regarding the "acts of terror" in Libya. They are going to see a president being very presidential.  Heckuva job, Mitt.

U.S. President Barack Obama and Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney are pictured during the second U.S. presidential campaign debate in Hempstead, New York, October 16, 2012. REUTERS/Jason Reed
Someone was enjoying himself last night.
(Hint: It's the Ninja on the right.)
> Zinger #1: "When folks mess with Americans, we go after them."
> Zinger #2: "These are not just women's issues.  These are family issues."
> Zinger of the night: "Can you say that a little louder, Candy?"

> After last night it's clear that President George W. Bush is fair game to be savaged and thrown under the bus.  By Republicans.

> Later this morning Jack Welch will tweet that the debate was rigged because "these Chicago guys will do anything."

Meanwhile, this morning I'd like to thank Republicans for their orderly transition as they swapped placed with Democrats on building ledges across America.  My words of advice to them: don’t look up---the pigeons have been saving up a little gravity-defying surprise for ya.

JEERS to the big rumble.  No, not last night's debate---I'm talkin' about the 4.0 earthquake that hit southern Maine around 7:15pm.  I'm sorry, that didn't come out right.  Let me try again:

Lawn chair tipped over...earthquake
HOLY SHIT AND MOTHER OF GOD WE HAD A FRACKING (HA HA GET THE REFERENCE?) EARTHQUAKE LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!
My first words when the house started shaking: "Save the martini glasses!!!  Save the martini glasses!!!"  Naturally I blame the 700 Club, the NRA and the Tea Party for pissing God off---I point the finger in their face and say, "You caused this!!!"  As for the damage, most of it is minor in the affected area, thank goodness, although we're gonna have to call our landlord to come fix the walls (for some reason they stopped bleeding).  But we're okay.  We did, indeed, save the martini glasses.

CHEERS to book learnin'.  On October 17, 1979, President Jimmy Carter signed legislation creating the Department of Education.  It's one of the departments that the tea partiers want to abolish because of its communist-socialist-libtard mission to turn every school into a monolithic institution of brainwashing.  Except, well, not so much….

Student at chalkboard
Always...Be...CLOSING!!!!!
The Department of Education does not establish schools or colleges ... Unlike the systems of most other countries, education in the United States is highly decentralized, and the federal government and Department of Education are not heavily involved in determining curricula or educational standards (with the recent exception of the No Child Left Behind Act). This has been left to state and local school districts. The quality of educational institutions and their degrees is maintained through an informal private process known as accreditation, over which the Department of Education has no direct public jurisdictional control.
Did ya catch that?  George W. Bush, the mighty titan of the party of "states' rights," swaddled our childrens' lurnin' in a snuggly blanket of federal authoritah.  Heh.  Anyway, happy birthday, ED.  Let's all give 'em a polite eraser clap.

CHEERS to a crazy little thing called love reality.  Well, well, well…what have we here?  Looks like damning evidence that suggests the right-wing paranoid sexytime brigade is wrong again:

Michelle Bachmann photoi
Michele Bachmann claimed the
HPV vaccine caused mental retardation.
She's probably going to win re-election.
Shots that protect against cervical cancer do not make girls promiscuous, according to the first study to compare medical records for vaccinated and unvaccinated girls.  …  Specifically, they examined up to three years of records on whether girls had sought birth control advice; tests for sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy; or had become pregnant.  Very few of the girls who got the shots at age 11 or 12 had done any of those over the next three years, or by the time they were 14 or 15.  Moreover, the study found no difference in rates of those markers compared with unvaccinated girls.
Now if only there was a shot that could get the right-wingers to read it.

CHEERS to Mach'ing a joyful noise.  On the same day that 43 year-old Felix Baumgartner was jumping from his 23 mile-high perch, famed test pilot Chuck Yeager was proving that he's still got the right stuff:

Yeager retraced history on Sunday, 65 years to the minute, as the first test pilot to break the sound barrier, taking to the skies once again to fly faster than the speed of sound.  The 89-year-old Yeager broke the sound barrier in a U.S. Air Force F-15 at 10:24 a.m. over the Mojave Desert, the same location where he first flew past Mach 1 on October 14, 1947, the military said in a statement.
The only thing I'll be breaking at 89 is wind.

CHEERS to African booby chicks. On this date in 1888, the first issue of National Geographic went on sale.  Followed later that evening by the first issue of National Geographic to be stashed by a kid under his mattress.

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Five years ago in C&J: October 17, 2007

CHEERS to slaying the free radical.  Hooray!  Medical science is successfully destroying cancer cells in the human body.  Overall cancer rates fell 1.1 percent between 1993 and 2001...and by over 2 percent since then.  But not all the news is rosy.  The cancer on the current presidency has swollen to the size of a Winnebago.

CHEERS to the "Silver Tsunami."  The first baby boomer---a retired New Jersey teacher---has applied for Social Security retirement benefits.  Starting in January, 10,000 fellow boomers a day will apply for their monthly checks from what has become the most successful anti-poverty program for seniors ever.  And the best part is that the government has managed the Social Security trust fund so responsibly, there are absolutely no worries about raising the eligibility age or cutting benefits to keep it fully funded!  Said the unicorn.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to Jon Stewart's (faux)-evil twin.  How time flies.  The Colbert Report debuted seven years ago today as the yang to The Daily Show's yin.  While Jon Stewart assumes the role of a rational observer horrified by the lunacy and hypocrisy of modern politics, Stephen Colbert (a card-carrying Kossack in good standing) dons the leopard skin of the modern-day conservative and "feels the news" from the perspective of "a well-intentioned, poorly informed, high-status idiot."  He revealed his weapon of choice at the top of his first show:

Among Colbert's guests: Hitler Kos.
"That brings us to tonight's Word: Truthiness.

Now I'm sure some of the 'word police'---the Wordinistas over at Webster's---are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word.'  Well, anyone who knows me knows I'm no fan of dictionaries or reference books.

I don't trust books.  They're all fact, no heart.  And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today.  Face it, folks, we are a divided nation.  Not between Democrats and Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms.  No, we are divided between those who 'think' with their head, and those who 'know' with their heart. … Anyone can read the news to you.  I promise to feel the news at you."

I was thinking about mentioning that Colbert has written three books since he professed his distrust of them, but it gave me a bad feeling so I didn't.  "Mommy, am I in heaven?"  "No, dear. You've crossed over to the truthy side."  "Gee, swell!"

Have a nice Wednesday.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

"No, no!  Bill in Portland Maine is good!  Yes...Bill in Portland Maine is our friend!"
---Young Frankenstein

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Poll

This is a test of the U.S. Senate race in Wisconsin. This is only a test…

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