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Sometimes the world is a cruel place that indiscriminately strikes down innocent multimillionaires whose only desire is to fatten the wallets of their friends, family, and wealthy contributors. At times like these we must set aside trivial differences and band together to find solutions and ease the suffering.

Heartbreak of Romnesia

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Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney is one such victim of the scourge of Romnesia. Early symptoms were apparent during the GOP primary season when Romney became noticeably confused by the inquiries of the press. When asked to comment on his previous statements he stammered "I'm not familiar precisely with exactly what I said, but I stand by what I said, whatever it was."

His condition has deteriorated rapidly since then. He now seems to have lost all cognitive awareness of closely held beliefs and principles. The severity of his disability threatens to render him incapable of performing the routine activities of daily life, much less those of the president of the United States. Here is a brief sampling of his symptoms:

  • The man who once declared that he was unwaveringly pro-choice now campaigns to overturn Roe v. Wade.
  • While he recently insisted that he opposed giving employers the right to deny contraceptive coverage in their health care plans, he has also supported the Blunt Amendment in congress which would do just that.
  • He once was adamant that he would be a stronger advocate for gay rights than Sen. Ted Kennedy, but now he backs legislation that defines marriage as being a union between one man and one woman.
  • As governor of Massachusetts he signed a bill banning assault weapons, but today he lines up with the NRA's position to refrain from any such laws.
  • As a college student during the Vietnam War he protested efforts to end the draft, but he evaded service himself to become a Mormon missionary in Paris and took four academic deferments.
  • His father George Romney set a precedent by releasing twelve years of tax returns, but Mitt refuses to reveal more than two, neither of which cover the controversial years when he was CEO of Bain Capital.
  • He drafted and implemented a health care program in Massachusetts that he said should be a model for the nation, but when President Obama actually used it as a model, Romney castigated it and promised to repeal it.

With such an obvious display of symptomatic decline, it was only a matter of time before outside observers were forced to comment. Most notably, President Obama was among the first to acknowledge the situation with grace and sympathy:
"He's forgetting what his own positions are, and he's betting that you will too. He's changing up so much – backtracking and sidestepping. We've gotta name this condition that he's going through. I think it's called Romnesia. [...] And if you come down with a case of Romnesia, and you can’t seem to remember the policies that are still on your website, or the promises you’ve made over the six years you’ve been running for President, here’s the good news: Obamacare covers pre-existing conditions."
How thoughtful of the President to note that his own health care plan is available to provide some relief for Romney in his time of need.

Obamacare Cures Romnesia

Despite that show of support, Romney lashed out at Obama for raising the issue. But even Romney's criticism was further evidence of his diseased state of mind. He said...

"They've been reduced to petty attacks and silly word games. Just watch. The Obama campaign has become the incredible shrinking campaign."
In the space of a single sentence Romney disparaged the President for playing "silly word games," and then himself invoked word game silliness with his "incredible shrinking" crack. Only eight words separated the first thought from the Romnesiatic contrary thought. There is no clearer signal that his disease is at a dangerously advanced stage.

While there is no known cure for Romnesia at this time, our thoughts go out to his family and we have hopes that he will get some relief. The nature of the treatment he will have to undergo will take a fair amount of time and require great fortitude and endurance. Therefore, the best thing that we can all do to help is to vote for Barack Obama for president. Romney will need to focus on his recovery for the next four years and the last thing he needs is the additional distractions of such a stressful job. And it's the last thing America needs as well.

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