I know the election's sucking the air out of the room around here for most things. Even Halloween is a minor event on DK right now, though I imagine most Kossacks, like myself, are actually planning to do something IRL for the day.
But given the blatant misogyny from the Republican party and its alleged leader, Mitt Romney, during DVA month, I thought I'd give this space to bring a little awareness to how domestic violence has had a real-world impact on me, even though I've never been a victim of domestic abuse directly.
What Domestic Violence Looks Like
In summary: Through friends I made in college, I met a gamer named "Mark" and a woman named "Ann." At one point I decided to go on to graduate school and was having a tough time finding a place to stay. My friends recommended I stay with Mark and Ann, pay reduced rent, and live in their spare bedroom. Which was good, because my car was barely reliable and I was working a lot at McDonald's.
It was fine. My cockatiel and I moved in and were treated pretty well.
I lived my own life, so I probably missed a lot of warning signs, but a few curious things happened those first few months we lived together that I did notice. Mark one day decided to act like something bad had happened when he talked to me. My "gamer instincts" perked up so I gave him a poker face, and he let it go and expressed amazement that I could keep my cool so well. That was weird, but I didn't get why he was doing it, so I let it go.
At one point, Ann misunderstood a conversation we were having and went off on a different, but interesting, topic. Mark immediately leapt all over her and called her stupid. I didn't think that was at all warranted, and tried to explain how Ann simply had a different, but related, point to make. He didn't get it.
Ann went home at one point during my stay, so it was just me and Mark, and we really didn't spend much time together. He really seemed angry during that time, so I can't say I sought him out, either.
When Ann came back, there was a night when Mark didn't come home, and he was expected to. Ann got really, deeply upset and started speculating about all the horrible things that could have happened to him. I tried to calm her down and reminded her that Mark could easily have gotten distracted, or caught up in something else, and would probably be home soon. I felt weird that she got that upset, but again, what did I know?
Then came the night before the Big Party Ann was going to have for their friends. Mark was, to be honest, being a jerk, making fun of Ann for having it, even though this was clearly something she deeply wanted to do and was very important to her. She kept trying to get him involved with the planning, and he kept refusing, so he hauled off and smacked her across the eye.
At that point, my memories become fragmentary and I'm not sure what order things happened in. I know I decided I had to get out of there and call the police. I know I was worried about my bird Liriel, and got her safe first. Given my unreliable car, I know I was going to a friend's place who lived in our same apartment complex. Other than that, fragments. "You hit me!" Ann. "I can't see!" Ann. Images and fear. Calling my friend "Dan," asking if I could come over and talk about game. Walking through grass, alternating fog and fear. Dan greeting me at the door, telling me he wasn't sure we could play. Me telling him I needed to use his phone to call the police.
I don't even remember calling, though I know I did, because Mark called Dan asking for bail. Probably an intimidation tactic. Trying to figure out where I could live until I found a new place. Desperately hoping another gamer friend was available.
This looks a little like how I remember her
Dealing with the PTSD afterward. That was fun. At the time in the late 90s, there wasn't much on the condition as I recall, and I actually made myself crazier at the time by telling myself that as there wasn't research on it at the time, I "should" have been better nearly a year after it happened.
Mark did more, though I became aware of it all much, much later. My college "friends" told me after this happened they knew Mark and Ann were in a domestic abuse situation, which made me even angrier, because they sent me into this deliberately with no warning.
As I had moved so suddenly and only thought to tell some people, an old high school friend of mine called Mark one day and he lied to her, telling her I had just "gone crazy" and that's why I moved out. Thankfully, she didn't buy into his b.s., but it makes me wonder now who else he lied to...and who might have believed him.
Several months later one of my college friends who sent me into that situation was getting married, and she called me ahead of time asking me if "I" could "behave" around Mark. I got very angry at her, yelled that she should ask him if he could keep from hitting me, since he was the aggressor in the situation.
Later I found out from my mother that one of her college friends had been married to a man she later divorced who had never been physically violent to her, but was an emotional abuser. A year or two after their divorce, Mom's college friend got a call from his second wife who asked if the abuser had ever hit her.
Even later, the first friend I met in person I made over the Internet, "Granny" (not a Kossack to my knowledge), told me she had been married to an abuser, too. When I told her about Mark, the first question she asked was what I did about him. I told her I called the police. She said, "Good." Apparently a neighbor of hers had told her much later that she'd heard Granny screaming, but hadn't called the police or done anything.
I don't know where Mark or Ann are now, but I hope that by leaving, I may have helped Ann find the courage to leave him. This is my experience. Sadly, probably others here have experiences, too. Feel free to share your experiences of domestic violence in the comments or your own diaries. I don't think my experience is everyone's. I do wish for a society where misogyny isn't put out there by major party candidates, thus enabling violence against women like Ann and Granny.
If you need help, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence has good resources here. So does the National Sexual Violence Resource Center. Please take care of yourself, and get therapy if you can. It's not weakness to get treatment for diabetes. It's not weakness to get treatment for your mental illness, either. Remember that often mental illness is a sane mind's natural reaction to an insane situation. Gods bless, and let me know if I can help you.