BOSTON, MA - In full damage control mode after last night’s foreign policy debate, the Romney campaign has leaked its mid-October Middle East Foreign Policy binder, to show that the candidate really does have some grasp of geostrategic issues (i.e., to show that this binder is, in fact, full of something besides Middle Eastern women).
Note: the Policy Binder leaked is the Mid-October binder. The Late-October binder may well have a completely different set of positions and plans, but it will not be finalized until next week, after Romney has finally had a chance – now that the debates are finally over – to introduce himself to the American people for the first time.
The binder, which was leaked by one of the anonymous neocon retreads from the Bush foreign policy team that gave us WMD and the invasion and reconstruction of Iraq, details Romney’s careful plan to work with the United Nations – or perhaps the World Court (one of these institutions, anyway) to arrest Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad for the genocide he has committed with his speeches.
Observe that the plan is only to kidnap Ahmedinejad, because you can’t just go around killing everybody.
Once the lame-duck Ahmedinejad is captured, it will trigger the collapse of the Iranian Government, which will be followed by the institution of Western Style
Key elements of the plan:
• Romney will sail the new 700 ship US Navy up to the Syrian Coast – long Iran’s only path to the ocean
• Romney will then wait on the deck of an aircraft carrier, mounted on Rafalca, projecting leadership, with the historic “Mission Accomplished” banner close at hand to await good news
• The US will then debark the US Calvary (fresh from a $500bn upgrade) into Syria, where they will fix bayonets and charge through Damascus, maybe taking out the Syrian government that probably has to go, perhaps
• The force will then gallop across the Syrian desert, picking up fresh mounts in Baghdad, before swooping into Tehran, which is probably just across the border
• Meanwhile, the United Nations will be asked to dispatch some of its famous black helicopters from Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location to swoop into Tehran from the other side
• Everyone will be greeted as liberators
• An elite brigade will then carefully sneak up on Ahmedinejad from behind and duct tape his mouth - a personal touch added by Romney himself - lest Ahmedinejad start speaking and destroy the joint strike force with more genocidal words
• From that point on, the logistics of moving Ahmedinejad will be outsourced to a Chinese company 49% owned by Bain Capital, and therefore a reliable extension of American-style
• Romney will remain with the carrier group until the end of the operation, projecting leadership and awaiting further instructions from Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu
So take that all you people who thought that Romney was completely out of his depth last night, an embarrassment to his party and his country, babbling inane gobbledygook and providing the most profound indictment of the campaign season for why he should never be let anywhere near the oval office.
In actuality, it is now clear that Mitt Romney is a geopolitical strategic genius on par with Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush.
Please vote accordingly.