From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Home Stretch Edition
Obama with his early voting ballot receipt.
Got yours yet?
"A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a seven point lead on President Obama. That's right: Romney leads by seven points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number."
---Seth Meyers on SNL, before that gap shrank. And shrank.
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"Obama is still ahead in the swing states and among women. He is of course losing among men and in any states were you can buy the Confederate flag in a mall."
---Bill Maher
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"Earlier today, vice-presidential hopeful Paul Ryan gave a major policy address on poverty. We're still not sure whether he's for it or against it, but he was talking about poverty."
---David Letterman
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"Sadly, it is too late for Richard Mourdock. These [rape] comments have left his campaign in shambles. But y'know what? Don't shed a tear, folks. Because I've come to realize that this is just something that God intended to happen."
---Stephen Colbert
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Son (hammering a lawn sign into the ground): Check it out---this guy's running for city council. His name is Harry Butts! Like, seriously, it's his real name! How can we not put this sign up, right? I mean, you get why that's funny, right, Dad?
Dad: Yeah, I think I can crack that code.
---The Middle
And good news for White House trick-or-treaters:
“It is true Michelle takes healthy eating seriously, but it is an election year so candy for everybody! And if anybody comes from Ohio to the White House, they will get a Hershey bar about THIS BIG."
---President Obama on The Tonight Show
Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney is promising to pass out Hershey bars to Ohio trick-or-treaters who stop by his private jet. Seeing as he's the Republican candidate, he'll be passing out the kind that's full of nuts.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 26, 2012
Note: Just a quick heads-up that C&J will not appear on Monday. It will be replaced by a hologram of Chief Justice John Roberts standing in front of a mirror as he practices giving the Oath of Office to Barack Obama on January 20, 2013 without fucking it up again. It'll be really funny, as you'll see, because he keeps fucking it up anyway. Back Tuesday.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Election Day: 11
Days 'til the Green Festival in San Francisco: 15
Combined Obama/Romney campaign fundraising total to date: $1.03 billion
(Source: Mark Knoller)
Amount the debt ceiling standoff cost the federal government last year: $1.3 billion
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of U.S. presidents besides Barack Obama who have cast an early ballot while in office: 0
Barrels of crude oil produced each day in the U.S. during September: 6.3 million
The last time September crude production was that high: 1998
(Source: American Petroleum Institute)
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NEW! Friday Joe Lieberman Wanker Walk Countdown:
Joe Lieberman will end his Senate reign of error in 69 days.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Puppy survives trip through trash compactor. His name is---what else?---Crush.
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CHEERS or JEERS to where we stand. A lot of folks (read: my cat) have been asking me for an update on the general election, which is only 11 days away. This morning I spent a good 90 seconds minutes reviewing the latest polling data, number-crunchers' predictions, and the word on the street. Here's what it looks like as of this evening:
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???????????????????
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With a margin of error of plus or minus ???
JEERS to the Republican horror show. No need to make scary stuff up for Halloween when we've these guys rattling their chains outside our door…
Reince Priebus scares up
voters at GOP headquarters.
>> God won’t stop you from being raped, says a U.S. Senate candidate from Indiana, but He may plunk a kid in your belly as a parting gift.
>> Chrysler is moving its Jeep production from Ohio to China except it's not.
>> Colin Powell endorsed President Obama for a second term because he's a reverse-racist.
>> A better-than-expected GDP number is both terrible news and totally made up.
>> The deputy chair of the Minnesota GOP says an Obama ad is the work of Satan.
And this might take the cake: one of the grandkids of L.L. Bean---Linda Bean, a lobster-meat seller and frustrated Ron Paul supporter---is now urging people to vote for Mitt Romney because, according to a letter she distributed,
"OBAMA is HITLERIAN in his course, and he is closing in VERY FAST to eliminate totally our liberty rights and heritage." The party should just change their slogan to
"Boo!!!" and get it over with.
CHEERS to the elititiest elites in Elitesville. On Sunday's date in 1636, Harvard University was founded in Cambridge, Massachusetts "by vote of the Great and General Court of Massachusetts Bay Colony, and was named for its first benefactor, John Harvard of Charlestown." I'd like to take this opportunity to say: thanks, Harvard, for loaning America Elizabeth Warren. And, just like your lawnmower, I'm sorry but you're not getting her back.
"Schuuuultz! What is this Rough
Rider doing in heeeeere???"
CHEERS to the ol' bull moose. Happy Birthday to Teddy Roosevelt, who turns 154 tomorrow. #26 has
a few words from the Great Beyond for John Sununu, Allen West, Todd Akin, Richard Mourdock and the rest who have destroyed his party:
"I think there is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head."
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"Every reform movement has a lunatic fringe."
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"Some men can live up to their loftiest ideals without ever going higher than a basement."
And for Mitt Romney: "Never throughout history has a man who lived a life of ease left a name worth remembering." Ouch. Pay your respects
here. (But do it softly...I hear he carries a big stick.)
CHEERS to spring-fresh pantaloons. On October 26, 1858, Hamilton Smith patented the rotary washing machine, which worked by...
Typical teen reaction to the rotary
washing machine's anniversary.
...cycling reheated water; reciprocating plunger acts on clothes in a tub by placing two horizontal diaphragms in the tub which moved vertically with the action of the plunge; motion pumped water into the tub from a circuit of pipe that included coils in a heating tank and drained cooler water from the top of the tub.
Today's washing machines are far more energy-efficient, water-conserving and reliable. (Our Kenmore is 19!!!) But some things haven’t changed: like, if you forget to check your pockets for anything that melts when exposed to hot water and massive centrifugal force before you push START, you're still screwed. (Damn you, candy corn---that was my favorite
Lance Link: Secret Chimp tuxedo shirt!)
CHEERS to givesie backsies. Another MASSIVE VICTORY for President Obama's foreign policy! Mexico is very happy with us today:
More than 4,000 archaeological artifacts looted from Mexico and seized in the U.S. have been returned to Mexican authorities in what experts say is one of the largest such repatriations between the countries. The items returned Thursday mostly date from before European explorers landed in North America and include items from hunter-gatherers in pre-Columbian northern Mexico, such as stones used to grind corn, statues, figurines and copper hatchets, said Pedro Sanchez, president of the National Archaeological Council of Mexico.
One obsolete relic of a bygone era Mexico refused to take back: the Romneys. Oh, well. It was worth a try.
Many eyeballs will be
watchin' TWC this weekend.
CHEERS to home vegetation. I imagine a shitload of U.S. TVs will be pretty much glued to the Weather Channel this weekend as Frankenstorm Sandy prepares to make an inconvenient turn, for which I blame the racists, misogynists and teabaggers. Other stuff that's on while you're taking a breather from GOTV efforts: on HBO's
Real Time, Bill Maher talks politics with Barney Frank, Nate Silver, Chrystia Freeland, Eliot Spitzer and Michael Steele. New DVD releases include the historically-accurate biopic
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer (spoiler alert: he slays vampires), the critically-acclaimed male-stripper movie (there's six words I never thought I'd see strung together)
Magic Mike, and whatever movie Tyler Perry came out with last week. The World Series schedule is
here. The NFL schedule is
here. (The Patriots will knock heads with the Rams---Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!) On
60 Minutes: the SCARY MUSLIM RUN FOR YOUR LIVES GUY who owns the Jacksonville Jaguars football team.
Don’t forget to the best weekend morning shows are Up! With Chris Hayes and Melissa Harris-Perry. And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Rachel adds a touch of sanity
to 'Meet the Press' Sunday.
Meet the Press: governors from across the key swing states that will decide the outcome of the election: Gov. John Hickenlooper (D-CO), Gov. Scott Walker (R-WI) and Gov. John Kasich (R-OH).; roundtable with Chuck Todd, Rachel Maddow, E.J. Dionne, David Brooks and Carly Fiorina.
This Week: Stephanie Cutter; Newt Gingrich; roundtable with George Will, Austan Goolsbee, Gwen Ifill, Andres Sullivan and Nicolle Wallace.
Face the Nation: Former governors Haley Barbour (MS) and Jennifer Granholm (MI); Bob Shrum and one of National Review's faithful liars John Fund; roundtable with Mark Leibovich (NYT magazine), Ruth Marcus (WaPost), and CBS News' John Dickerson; the latest on Hurricane Sandy.
Bill Moyers & Company (link): Marty Kaplan and Kathleen Hall Jamieson judge the debates, and Neil Barofsky describes the obstacles to banking reform.
Washington Week: James Kitfield (National Journal), Gloria Borger (CNN), Molly Ball (The Atlantic), and Susan Davis (USA Today).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: It's a Senatorialpalooza with Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH) and Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI) from the Republicans and Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA) and Sen. Mark Udall (D-CO) from the Democrats; roundtable with Brit Hume, Juan Williams, Joe Trippi and Karl Rove.
Happy viewing!
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Four years ago in C&J: October 26, 2008
JEERS to life around the bend. I know you're all dying to know the status of Kossack-turned-PUMA-Kool-Aid-drinker Larry Johnson's evidence-free investigation into the existence of a videotape in which Michelle Obama uses the word "Whitey." If such a tape ever saw the light of day, you see, it could SINK THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN!!! Well, I'm happy to report that Johnson's evidence is still rock-solid...if that rock happens to be ground up into a powder:
With apologies to Bubbanomics:
"HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!"
None of my three main sources on [sic] who told me about the existence of a video recording of Michelle Obama making disparaging comments about white folks have backed off. Two of these sources are Democrats and are journalists. They were not trying to sabotage the Obama campaign. They were passing on something they believed to be true. The fact that my third source, a person who lives on the West Coast and is a Republican, has no ties whatsoever to the other two but told the same story persuaded me this "tape" exists.
Shortly after Johnson wrote those words he issued
this urgent warning to all Americans. And then he took the bus to the mall and sat in the vibrating chairs at Brookstone the rest of the day.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Hillary! Happy 65th birthday---and many blessings on yon camels---to our tireless Secretary of State, who has logged a whopping 379 travel days and 907,661 miles so far, and I don’t know how she does it. Some Hillary truisms:
Happy Birthday, Cool Lady!
"All of us have to recognize that we owe our children more than we have been giving them."
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"You cannot have maternal health without reproductive health. And reproductive health includes contraception and family planning and access to legal, safe abortion."
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"Every president, if you watch what they look like when they come into office, you can see their hair turn white because it's such a hard job."
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"In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I'm keeping a chart."
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"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair."
This year I made her a special gift to show my appreciation for her contributions to our country as First Lady, Senator from New York, and Secretary of State: a sweatshirt that says
"2016" on the front and
"45" on the back. (I hope it's not too subtle.)
Oh, and cheers to Harry Reid, who is doing fine after getting into a fender bender today---he was released from the hospital after overcoming a Republican filibuster attempt. Have a great weekend, and if you're in the path of Sandy, get stocked up NOW on the essentials: batteries, blankets and cabana boys. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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