Thank you! I’m happy to be here in (name of city or state). I have a five point plan to get the economy moving, because that’s the number of fingers on my hand. I need my second hand to hold this microphone while I count off the points on my first hand. If I was one of those polydactyl Hemingway cats in Cuba, I’d come up with six points (I mean if I was a talking cat running for President who could hold a microphone and had a really really smart plan and don’t you feel bad about those little kitties who are suffering in Cuba?).
…continued below the Swiss Army Knife of enlightenment and, uh, horses and bayonets…
If you elect me President, I will create 12 million jobs. Actually I won’t create any jobs because the government can’t create jobs. But I’ll goose the economy with my thumb and then I’ll stick my finger down the economy’s throat until it vomits up some jobs. Then I will eat some jello. With a big dollop of artificial whipped cream. Yum.
I have a five point plan. Did I mention that it’s a plan that has five points? Five is the number of fingers on my hand and the number of points I have. Here’s my plan:
(Note to self, hold up a finger for each point.)
Take government money away from poor people and give it to wealthy job creators to create jobs. Then get the unemployed workers to create work. I know how to do this. Look at Bain Capital, where I created tens of jobs for career counselors, which we offered free to the people who were laid off. I know how to create jobs. Good paying jobs for career counselors, debt collectors, and payday loan companies.
Let market forces decide who gets healthcare. Because I believe supply and demand and competition will kill more people more efficiently (and across state lines) than some government death panel bureaucrat sitting in a little room making arbitrary decisions about your health. Insurance companies should make those arbitrary decisions about your health. I will kill more people than Obamacare could even dream of. As a bonus, fewer people will get entitlements because they’ll be dead.
Build more pipelines from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico. Obama has had four years to build pipelines and he has done nothing! I will personally build a pipeline with my own hands on day one of my presidency. Or maybe I’ll sign an executive order with my own hands. We can work out the details. Shipping dirty Canadian tar sands oil overseas will make us all energy independent. And the price of gas will go down for you and for you (point to audience). Also on day one, I’ll declare China a currency manipulator.
One more thing: on day one, I’ll find that lever on my oval office chair that moves it up and down. I’ll adjust that lumbar support thing. Sometimes chairs also have a way to tilt back and forth. I find that I work better in a comfortable chair. I think I’ll do the chair thing first. Then I’ll check my email. Then I’ll do the China thing and the oil pipeline thing. Then I’ll have a big bowl of jello.
Cut back on those goshdarn government regulations and red tape and dadblamed long forms. Please excuse my French. Did you know that if you want to buy a car and then fill it up with gas and drive it on a road, you have to deal with thirteen different government agencies that want you to sign things and pay taxes? Even more, if you want to install a car elevator! It’s a wonder that any cars get driven at all. My plan would make it easier for more people to drive more cars. I’m told that’s what the middle class likes to do. You might know that my daddy used to make cars. I’ll eliminate the regulations on job creators. And oil creators. And car creators.
I will cut taxes. Then I will raise taxes by eliminating loopholes. I’ll spend less. But then I’ll spend more on the military. And we’ll continue the Bush tax cuts. And we’ll balance the budget because I’ll work with the bipartisan legislators of both parties to eliminate bad things like Big Bird and Count von Count and loopholes and government waste. And we’ll all get a good education. Free tuition for the top 25%! On day one of my presidency, I’ll hire a guy to work out the details and do the math because I’m a CEO kind of guy who has a vision; I’m not a numbers cruncher. But first I’ll do the chair thing. And, as I think I have mentioned, jello.
Trust me, fellas. Golly, I’m excited about being your next President!