Far be it from me to be critical of the national and state political reporters who have been following the travails of Missouri U. S. Senate candidate Todd Akin, but they have all been missing the boat on Akin by dismissing him as some country bumpkin who has no knowledge of science (and no connection with reality).
While those things are obviously true, it is a mistake to overlook the deep layers of mysticism that color everything Todd Akin does.
This is a man, after all, who is so mystically aware of the female body that he knows what constitutes legitimate rape and he knows it when the rest of us just have a tendency to trust that a female should be the one who knows when she has been raped.
Todd Akin is also the man who opposes funding the federal school lunch program because he knows, with his mystical wisdom, that somehow these children are going to find food, maybe from some generous one percenter wishing to share a meager portion of his billions, or perhaps miraculously lying on the street surrounded by silver cutlery.
I had thought I had heard every last piece of nonsense, mystical or otherwise, that came from the mouth of Todd Akin, until I received an e-mail from the campaign of his opponent, incumbent Sen. Claire McCaskill. Obviously wanting to spread the word about the misunderstood Mr. Akin's knowledge of things that are far beyond our comprehension, the campaign sent me the story of the condoms.
Not just any condoms, mind you, but magical condoms.
The news release is printed below in its entirety:
Access to birth control has been an issue in campaigns across this country, but Congressman Todd Akin had a different take it on the topic during a Republican debate earlier this year.
Akin, whose campaign has been dogged by his claim that a woman can't become pregnant if she is legitimately raped (and scores of other strange comments he has made), told the tale of the miracle condoms. it is the latest Akin statement to be noted by his opponent, Sen. Claire McCaskill's campaign team. The news release is printed below:
At a Republican U.S. Senate debate in March, Todd Akin devolved into a wild tangent filled with sensational rhetoric saying, “I can only think of one example in history where socialized condoms led to actual freedom.” Voters now know that Akin has established a pattern of using this kind of sensational rhetoric to rationalize his strange and extreme beliefs and distract voters from his views that are wrong for Missouri.Now, this can't be true, I thought, as I read the words. There cannot be such a thing as magic condoms, but if Todd Akin says it, it must be true, and judging from the audio from the debate, which can be found at this link, Todd Akin said it.
Akin Said He Only Knew of One Time “Socialized Condoms Led to Actual Freedom.” During a debate on KMOX in March 2012, Akin said “I can only think of one example in history where socialized condoms led to actual freedom. And it was on the Wall Street Journal, on the front page years ago… Chinese government was so excited about condoms. They had a lot of them. So, a guy inflated a whole a lot and made a life raft and floated his whole family to freedom with a life raft buoyed by condoms. Now there's an example of freedom from socialized condoms. It's the only one in the world.” [Akin at KMOX Debate, 3/16/12]
"Todd Akin's fear of socialized condom life rafts is almost as absurd as his commitment to getting rid of Social Security and Medicare," said Erik Dorey, McCaskill for Missouri spokesman. "While Todd Akin lays awake at night, asking himself whether "socialized condoms" bring freedom to the oppressed, Claire's focused on issues that actually matter, such as protecting Medicare and Social Security, federal student loans and the minimum wage.”
Aren't Missourians lucky to have a U. S. Senate candidate with such intimate knowledge of things that are beyond our understanding?