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In the US, Thanksgiving is almost upon us. It is a time to reflect on the best of our lives and to be grateful for what we have been given. For those whose grief is fresh, there seems little to be grateful for and the holidays seem to be a time of pain rather than joy. Even those with old griefs have them brought back again by the missing faces at the holiday dinner. It's hard to be grateful when you are grieving.
But it's important. One of the biggest factors that will help you get through a bad time in your life is a practice of gratitude. It reminds you that even though lots of things in your life suck right now, there are still mint chip ice cream cones and cute little kittens.
Come with me below the fleur de Kos for more.
Even on the day that Karl died, a gratitude for the 26 years we had loved each other crept into my heart. But those early days were bleak indeed and ther didn't seem to be much to be grateful for. Slowly though, I started to be grateful for the little daily kindnesses of friends and co-workers and even strangers. I started to notice more of the little gestures of daily life and realize that these were important things - as important as the big events like weddings and graduations. I noticed that when I appreciated a gesture, it made me feel a teensy bit better. And so I started a practice of looking for things to be grateful for. I didn't tell anyone at first, but wrote them down in private journal or thought about them before I went to sleep.
To give you an idea of what kinds of things belong in a formal practice of gratitudes here are some of the ones I've written in the last month or so:
* I'm grateful for having electricity all day (during Hurricane Sandy)
* I'm grateful for tail wags
* Tina's home, Tina's Home, Tina's home (After finding my lost dog)
* After hearing the stories of the various escapes from Vietnam at lunch, I am really glad I was born in the US and never have had to make those sorts of choices
* I'm grateful that my parents thought reading was important
* I'm grateful for Ace bandages which have helped my ankle heal and will continue to support it until it is totally healed. (written while healing from a sprained ankle)
* I'm grateful for the right to vote (right after voting absentee for Obama)
* I'm grateful that someone invented air conditioning
* I'm grateful for mint chip ice cream
See really it's not so hard once you start. There is stuff all around you to be grateful for from indoor plumbing to doggie kisses to a working car.
Gratitudes saved my sanity and helped pull me out of the suicidal funk that Karl's death had put me in. Gratitudes made me realize that even though Karl was dead, I could still appreciate life and I could still do things to help others. Gratitudes made me realize how much the small things mean and how much it would help others who are suffering if I came out of my funk and reached out to help. Gratitudes helped me reach a point where I was ready to reach out to a poor abused little dog and give him a forever home. (See here for his story : His-Name-is-Christopher)
Last year I went public with the gratitudes on my Facebook page as a month long celebration of Thanksgiving. I enjoyed doing this and so this year I started in September with daily gratitudes. The feedback from others has been a real eye opener. I have been thanked by so many people and so many others have mentioned that it was making them realize all they had to be thankful for. One friend who is battling cancer is going to do it herself in November. Another friend liked the idea so much, she started a whole Gratitudes group where multiple people can post what they are grateful for.
I'm not saying they are a magic cure-all or that you should be so positive you forget to feel your very real and very necessary grief. Certainly it is not a practice that most people suffering from fresh grief will be able to do. But when you are ready to start healing, try gratitudes.
The holidays can be especially hard when we are grieving. But this year consider trying a formal practice of gratitudes from now until Thanksgiving. If you feel brave, post them somewhere like Facebook and invite your friends to try it too. I think you will find that gratitudes will help you get through the holidays and remember the good times and not just the bad. If you post them publicly, I think you will be surprised at the response you get; You might hear from people you don't talk to often and you might find, as I did, that your gratitudes made someone else realize how much they too had to be grateful for. You might even find yourself rescuing a dog!
Please feel free to post your own gratitudes in the comments.