It’s been a few hours since the 2012 election ended, and we don’t want pundits and pollsters to go into withdrawal, so there’s only one thing to do: start vetting the candidates for the 2016 election! My record of accuracy is somewhere on the level of Dick Morris and Bill Kristol throwing darts at a magic 8-ball, so ya’ll should take my picks very, very seriously.
SECRETARY OF STATE HILLARY CLINTON (NY)
PRO: Already has a solid base of support, plus her not-so-secret weapon, Bill.
CON: Hillary-hating is already a Republican cottage industry (OK, McMansion industry).
GOV. ANDREW CUOMO (NY)
PRO: Nationally known.
CON: Has he ever had to run against a real opponent? His last one was buffoon Carl Paladino.
GOV. MARTIN O'MALLEY (MD)
PRO: Raised taxes on rich people - what a concept!
CON: Mad scramble after he answered "no" to whether the country was better off than 4 years ago.
SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN (MA)
PRO: Has a great reputation for standing up for real people against corporations.
CON: Very new to the Senate. Then again, so was Obama.
VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN:
PRO: High profile as a sitting VP.
CON: At 74, may be ready to save the aggravation and retire. Also, has an unsettling habit of saying what he means.
EX-VP AL GORE
PRO: Already got the majority of votes in one Presidential race. Has been proven painfully right on his signature issue.
CON: Media can’t seem to give up their habit of hating him for being right.
MAYOR CORY BOOKER (NJ)
PRO: Is already serving as the mayor, fire department and public works department for Newark. He can handle one more job in his spare time.
CON: “Stop attacking Bain Capital?” Really?
SEN. AL FRANKEN (MN)
PRO: He's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggone it, people like him.
CON: Someone will dig through all his old Saturday Night Live performances and find a "Whitey" tape.
PRO: Imagine the sheer awesomeness of a President whose dkos profile says, “Regulate banks, not vaginas.”
CON: Fox is trying to create a very different Ministry of Truth.
TARA THE ANTISOCIAL SOCIAL WORKER (CA)
PRO: Polls well with pooties and woozles. Pie at campaign stops. Spouse would be awesome First Lady.
CON: Social workers do not make the zillion dollars needed to finance a campaign.
SEN. MARCO RUBIO (FL):
PRO: Republicans have discovered existence of Hispanics, and have been unable to prevent all of them from voting.
CON: Plugging the “Kill Medicare, give ‘em coupons” policy did not go over well.
GOV. CHRIS CHRISTIE (NJ):
PRO: Raised his profile and “bipartisan” appeal after Hurricane Sandy.
CON: Just thinking about all the stupid fat jokes we'll have to hear could lead to toxic levels of boredom. C'mon, comedians, make some effort here.
PRO: Has been keeping his brand fresh with Daily Show appearances.
CON: Godfather's pizza at every campaign stop. Too bad no one’s keeping that fresh!
REP. MICHELE BACHMANN (MN):
PRO: Says she’s an independent, nonpartisan voice. No, really, that’s what she says!
CON: Uh, Michelle? The camera’s over….there.
SEN. ROB PORTMAN (OH):
PRO: Very Serious People agree he's a Very Serious Candidate.
CON: Less interesting than Mitt Romney. Let me repeat that: Less interesting than Mitt Romney.
EX-SEN. RICK SANTORUM (PA):
PRO: Would set up the Republic of Gilead and start assigning handmaids.
CON: Google is not his friend.
EX-GOV. SARAH PALIN (AK):
PRO: Would have today's talking points written on her hand. Can keep an eye on Canada and Mexico while campaigning in border states.
CON: Too busy squeezing money out of suckers to bother with another campaign, you betcha. Also.
GOV. TIM PAWLENTY (MN)
PRO: Manages to sound moderate while governing like a wingnut.
CON: Actually quit his last campaign faster than Sarah Palin could.
EX-GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE (AR):
PRO: Has amazing Teflon. Media rave about what a "nice guy" he is even after he compared same-sex marriage to "marrying an animal” and suggested imprisoning people with HIV.
CON: Why would he give up his cushy gig at Fox?
PRO: Dad told her where all the bodies are buried.
CON: No campaign events in daylight. Would have trouble finding enough interns to keep her sated with blood.
EX-REP. NEWT GINGRICH (GA):
PRO: Would carry the 51st state: the Moon.
CON: Too busy looking for wife #4 so she can help him defend the sanctity of marriage.
REP. RON PAUL (OH):
PRO: Inexplicable crossover appeal, at least with people only superficially familiar with his positions.
CON: Too busy pursuing those nasty hobbits for The Precious!
REP. TODD AKIN (MO)
PRO: Needs a job. Perfectly encapsulates Republican views on women.
CON: Women have a way of shutting him down: We vote.
PRO: Memorable wardrobe. And just think of all the snazzy campaign videos.
CON: Currently not allowed to go out of state. Also, he's underage - but could probably come up with a video of him being born pre-1981.
STEPHEN COLBERT (SC):
PRO: Already has a superPAC, what else is he gonna do?
CON: The irony-impaired might elect Bill O’Reilly by mistake.
PRO: Would do reality show of firing a campaign volunteer every week.
CON: Why settle for President when he already thinks he’s God?
PRO: High name recognition.
CON: Jewish. Class warrior who says to render unto Caesar what is Caesar's. Favors social programs, opposes war, shows no interest in gay-bashing. And despite what wingnuts might think, not a US citizen.