Its not you. Really. I know you are feeling low today but Im here to tell you it ill get better......
Right now you are trying to figure out what went wrong so let me help.
- You picked the wrong guy. Everyone knows that no one from Massachusetts/Michigan will be trusted by "true" Republicans. Next time be sure both Candidates are from below the Mason/Dixon line. They should have thick southern accents and drive trucks with rebel flags.
- You candidate was not REALLY a conservative. He was willing to replace, not just repeal, Obamacare and wasn't even pro-rape! He isn't a REAL Christian. Only Baptists are REAL Christians. Next time pick a Pro-Rape, Southern Baptist. Oh and no more candidates who are really Mexicans. Like that would work!
- Too much Bi-Partisinship! Romney actually pitched that as a POSITIVE. Nothing good comes from that. Next time make sure that everyone understands your guy will not compromise on ANYTHING.
- Not enough "social" issues. No one likes gays or drugs. Next time make sure there are lots of gay and drug issues on the ballot to energize voters. Dream up some anti immigrant issues too. Like English only on ATMs.
- Women. Cant live with them, cant make rape jokes around them. Turns out they vote so either try to restrict them from voting or appeal to them. Not sure how to appeal to them so require they prove the are not pregnant or at "that time of the month" before they can vote. Im sure some "Scientist" will produce a "study" that says they are delusional and cant be trusted to vote during those times.
- More white guys. I know they are getting harder to find but that just makes it more important to grab the available ones and run them for the House, Senate and President. Michelle Bachman really screwed up the debates making everyone uncomfortable talking about rape.
- More voter suppression. No way we will ever get elected as long as EVERYONE can vote. Must be careful not to accidentally confuse the oldsters since that is our #1 demographic.
- Give in on Obamacare. Fact is our only hope is for our current "base" to live long enough for the Duggers to crank out more kids. Without Obamacare we could see our #1 demographic kicking the bucket before we can get our act together. Work to have Obamacare not cover SOME preexisting conditions - like being a woman, or black, or Latino.
2014 is coming soon and we will need some good Senate candidates primed and ready so now is the time to start talking about all the different types of rape, the evils of immigrants and how rich people are taxed too much. All winning issues if talked about early and often.
When your opponent is drowning, throw the son of a bitch an anvil. - James Carville