In the course of my 37-year career in corporate America, I learned a few unexpected and quite useful things about negotiation that helped me, my employer, and my clients. Today, as I read diary after diary about how "our side" should be drawing a line in the sand (or telling our vanquished rivals to pound sand), and proclaiming that the time for negotiating with the "enemy" is done, I've been uneasy. Very uneasy.
Don't imagine for one minute that I'm some kind of pre-capitulating pacifist, someone who fears conflict, or someone who won't engage. Far from it. People who've worked with me over the years knew me as someone who got what they wanted, and someone who didn't hesitate to use every weapon in the arsenal to get it. Someone who took no crap from anyone. Someone who could get things done when others were stymied.
Unfortunately, most of us - myself included - have no formal training in negotiation. We learn by trial and error, sometimes with painful consequences. But if we keep at it long enough, the errors yield to sucesses, the successes to improved strategies, and the positive outcomes to more confidence. The beauty of these learned skills is their applicability across all aspects of your life: work, marriage, community, child-rearing, and the many tangles we find ourselves in as a result of living among other humans.
Here are a few things I've learned that have helped me. I'd love to hear some of the things that have helped you.
1. Always allow the other person the chance to do the right thing. In acrimonious situations, it's easy to assume that the other person is the embodiment of all evil, that they're out to get you, and that they're lacking any redeeming qualities. Chances are, unless you're dealing with one of a few really pathological people in your world, the other person is bumbling along, doing the best they can, perhaps because they can't think of any better way to approach a problem or conflict. If you begin with the premise that your antagonist is human, and thus capable of good, you might be pleasantly surprised at what you can get them to do in the spirit of cooperation.
2. Make sure you really understand what's at issue. Whether at work or at home, it's not unusual to be wrangling over an issue that's tangential to the real problem. One way to avoid this is for each party to state (or restate) their position in their own words. This can avoid some arguments altogether. If there's truly some disagreement, it can clarify the common ground that will allow for some progress. Sometimes the discussion itself can bring people closer together, and enable them to collaborate rather than to work at cross purposes.
3. Understand what you want to get out of the negotiation. It's okay to have several possible outcomes, for instance, one that's optimum, one that's requires a little more "give" on your part, and one that's the absolute bare minimum you'd walk away with. Visualize the optimum one, and focus on it. Make sure it's something specific and tangible, not "I want to grind that [insert expletive here] into the ground and make them sorry they ever...". That's not really a useful negotiating objective.
4. Listen and watch for clues. Don't do all the talking. If you can get the other party to feel comfortable enough to open up about their own hopes and fears and objectives, you can often come away with a much more favorable outcome for yourself that still respects their sensitivities. Watch their facial expressions and body language for clues about their understanding, their mood, their intentions, and what "works" and doesn't work in your approach. People give away a great deal of information without thinking about it. You can use that to your advantage.
5. Let the other party embrace the solution. Even if you come up with a brilliant plan that would advance the situation, it won't reach fruition if you bludgeon the other person over the head with it. Let them become comfortable with it. Let them take all the credit for it, even if this drives you crazy. Focus on the outcome, and don't obsess over the path that brought you to your successful endpoint.
6. Build on successes. In addition to being courteous and showing appreciation for the progress that the other person's cooperation has achieved, think about how else you can leverage this transaction for future benefit. If the other person is someone you'll be working with in the future, leave them feeling respected rather than vanquished. They might be your ally in future ventures, or a gateway to work, references, or information you need.
7. Reflect. Whether you got everything you wanted or left the negotiation feeling let down, give yourself some time and space to think about what transpired, and what lessons you can take away. However...
8. Don't obsess. Don't replay the discussion in your head as you toss and turn at night. Don't play "shoulda, coulda, woulda". Use your observations to improve your approach for another time.
Use the laboratory of life to hone your negotiating skills. Whether you're asking your boss for a raise, convincing the bank to give you a small business loan, trying to get your kid's coach to get them off the bench and into the game, or representing your union in benefits negotiations, your ability to work effectively with others will go a long way in helping you advance your agenda.
It's not a zero-sum game with one winner and one loser. Done properly, a negotiated outcome can leave both parties feeling like they did their best, and got a fair deal.