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Why the Republicans lost: Scenario 1
A meat locker, location unknown. An energy-efficient LED bulb hangs from an ancient fitting, shedding light but no heat on the shivering figure below. Reince Priebus, in flannel pajamas, roped crudely but securely to a chair. One eye is swollen and a trickle of blood leaks from the corner of his mouth. He is flanked by sunglasses-wearing men in tailored suits, serious looking men. A figure steps forward into the edge of the light. A dark figure. Priebus looks up, bloodied but defiant.

"Your time is almost up, Obama. The mightiest titans of conservatism are mine to command. In a few short months you will be gone, a one-termer, a failed experiment. You will live to see everything you have built crushed into dust. It doesn't matter what happens to me. You cannot stop it. The wheels are already in motion." He spits. It falls short. Obama leans forward, slightly.

"No, Reince, you are mistaken. We have a secret weapon, one that will guarantee a second landslide. You." Reince looks up, puzzled. "Reince, you will be the agent of liberalism's greatest victory." Reince laughs, a long laugh that echoes wierdly off the walls of the meat locker. Obama steps forward, makes a fist and delivers a right cross. Teeth scatter like bloody Chiclets. No wait, they are bloody Chiclets. Reince spits out the last of them. Obama motions and Jay Carney steps to the edge of the light.

"What is thy bidding, my master?"
Obama holds out a hand. "The files, please."

Obama looks through the bulky manila folder, grabs items at random, occasionally reading them before dropping them to the floor.

"An airport RSVP to Larry Craig."
"A two-for-one coupon deal for...services...you sent to David Vitter"
"Emails with Mark Foley and a congressional page. A three-way, as it were."

Preibus' defiant look is gone, scattered as the sordid photos and transcripts littering the floor. "What is it that you want?" Obama smiles, but there is no mirth behind it.

"I shall choose the Republican nominee, and you shall make it happen. Forget the voters and the caucuses. We both know that America wants a conservative, but that will not happen. You will see to it that the Beltway elites and country-club millionaires pick one of their own, a weak-willed, gaffe prone moderate with the soul of a cardboard box and the compassion of a scorpion. You know of whom I speak?" Preibus is frightened, looks about to speak. Obama glances down at the folder.

"A business permit for 'Reince's Rentboys'?"

"Okay, okay! I'll do it!"

"Damn straight you will." Obama steps forward and puts a foot on the chair. "Do your job and we will never speak of this again." He pushes. The chair tips, Reince flails within the confines of his bondage but cannot keep his balance. He falls backward and hits his head on the cement. He sees stars, stars circling Obama's head like an unholy parody of a halo. Obama's foot rises at the edge of his blurred vision. "One more thing, Reince."

"Four more years, biatch." The foot descends. Fade to black.

Reince Priebus wakes up in his bed. Gasps. He is still in one piece. On the nighstand, his Chiclets are untouched. A nightmare. Just a terrible, terrible nightmare. He turns, and on the pillow beside him is Rush Limbaugh's head. Reince Priebus screams. He throws back the covers. The head is still attached to Rush Limbaugh's body. He screams again. Mercifully, he passes out.

Why the Republicans lost: Scenario 2
You chose the damn doofus yourself, ya idjits. You had a huge selection to choose from, the soulless (Gingrich), the deluded (Paul), the insane (Trump), even the soulless, deluded and insane (Bachmann). In the middle of a war and recovering from the worst economic downturn in several generations, you came out in droves to demand that a combat-dodging plutocrat be your standard-bearer. When record numbers of people are trying to find jobs, you insisted on the guy with the car elevator, who doesn't know how many Cadillacs his wife has, whose horse is a bigger tax deduction than most people's income, that guy was your choice to be the face of the Republican Party. How in hell did you think the election was going to turn out?

Now, given your opinion of the party of personal responsibility, which of these two scenarios do you think would they consider more likely to be true?  ;)

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