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Paleontologists have long debated whether the dinosaurs became extinct in a sudden meteor-impact-like bang, or a stumbling, bumbling, drawn-out whimper. Recent findings show that it was a thrashing, slashing, whining Cretaceous circular firing squad, with dino-on-dino violence unprecedented in the animal kingdom. With the "gee, who could have seen this coming" extinction of Brontosaurus romneii, life as these creatures knew it has come to an end, but they're not going down without a fight.

Claws drenched in each others' blood, these deluded antediluvian behemoths continue to savage each other with their last breath as stunned onlookers are overcome with mixed emotions: shock and schadenfreude. The Grim Reaper, aggrieved at being put out of a job, has filed for unemployment benefits.

For it was not a literal meteor that destroyed these craven creatures' world; it was the metaphoric meteor of truthiness finally breaking through their reality-hardened bunker, letting in the bright light of demographic change. Where once pale-skinned male Caucasasaurs ruled the world, unquestioned, a quick glance around the landscape reveals a rich panoply of diversity. Mesozoic minorities have risen in unison to reclaim their world, leaving the Caucasosaurs dazed and confused and turning to their only option in times of crisis: blamestorming.

PACasaurus karlroveii has witlessly stumbled to the head of the extinction line for having shaken down his fellow Conservasaurs, separating them from millions of dollars by feeding them a continuous diet of disinformation on the prospects of B. romneii and other GOPasaur candidates. It's not nice to fool mother nature, but she's a sweetheart compared to the wronged dino-donors who are just now realizing the depth of their losses and the horrors of the new world order. P. karlroveii was last seen seeking extradition to Gondwanaland.

Bloviasaurus limbaughii: Oxycontin sales are one of the few bright spots in the saurian stock market this morning as this bombastic behemoth continues to spew his venom. Epitomizing the plight of the large sedentary Caucasiasaur males who see their world shrinking to the size where it can be drowned in a water-filled brontosaur footprint, B. limbaughii has doubled down on the hate and sarcasm, vowing to fight to keep reality at bay as long as possible.

Speaking of doubling down, Casinosaurus adelsonii literally bet the farm on his slate of failed GOPasaurs. In an epic case of moron's remorse, the fossilized mogul is kvetching in his well-appointed cave that he and the other deep-pocket dino-donors were misled and taken advantage of in their doddering dotage.

Retro-twins GiftfromGodasaurus mourdockii and Legitimasaurus toddakinii were both consigned to footnote status in the fossil record, proving that it's not nice to fool with mother nature or any other mother, or any female, or - really - any sentient being. Aging Caucasiasaur males made an extinction-invoking move in aligning themselves with these two tar-pit dwellers. Other losers in the paleo-proceedings include Deadbeatasaurus joewalshii, showing that turning one's back on one's offspring is never in season. The fossil evidence confirms - sadly - that Caucasasaurs of this genus, while obsessed with the care of zygotes, can be really cold-blooded to their (and society's) post-birth young.

Not all Caucasasaurs are fully extinct; some are just on extinction watch. The unusually orange-colored Boehnersaurus lachrymosii has been oddly conciliatory, no doubt grateful to have eluded the Reaper one more time to retain his place of leadership. However, despite his attempts at camouflage, it's only a matter of time before a younger, more highly evolved GOPasaur ousts this emotionally unstable creature in what promises to be a fun Paleo-Pay-Per-View event.

Anorexiasausus coulterii: proving that despair is not the sole province of the male Caucasasaurs, this toxic twig-figure has proclaimed that there is "no hope" since her saurian savior B. romneii could not prevail over Obamasaurus Rex at a time of economic trouble. Vowing to extend her apparent hunger strike, the venomous A. coulterii will become a self-limiting problem in less than geologic time.

We would be remiss in passing over non-Caucasasaur Venomosaurus allenwestii, whose reign of terror has apparently come to an end. We say "apparently" because he himself is in denial, lashing out at all denizens of his Floridian drainage basin, challeging the irrefutable data, imagining that he will once again roam the land blasting out his vile pronouncements. In its death throes, V. allenwestii reminds us that its not coloration that makes these creatures so loathsome, it's their cold-blooded hatred for their fellow inhabitants of our wonderful planet Earth.

There are many more Mesozoic misfits headed for extinction, too many to fully chronicle here, but that's why we have the comments section, so please suggest some more, and your intrepid paleo-diarist will add the color commentary. Don't be surprised if the color is a whiter shade of pale.

Originally posted to cassandracarolina's fossil record on Thu Nov 08, 2012 at 08:01 AM PST.

Also republished by Hydrant.


Since it's not "their" fault, who/what do Caucasasaurs blame for their losses?

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| 42 votes | Vote | Results

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