It seems that the nation has once again failed me. My staff and I had a final meeting, during which I canceled all of their remaining credit cards and we discussed what could have gone wrong. I must confess this result has taken us all by surprise.
Eric F. opined that the most likely reason for our loss was Hurricane Sandy. Tropical storms of that nature are invariably given women's names, and the constant repetition of a female name in the closing days of the campaign likely emasculated much of our base.
We also did not account for the vote suppression efforts of the other side. We had rallied the votes of nearly every wealth unit in this country; during election day, however, the other side engaged in nationwide efforts to water those votes down by including the votes of other citizens as well. The efforts of many state governors to curtail such rampant voting by commoners were valiant, but in hindsight even those were of insufficient size.
The polling firms that we had relied on were also to blame. We chose which polling units to listen to based on which ones were delivering the most pleasant sounding results; that is, which ones were including as many Republican voters as possible. We naturally assumed that those polling firms would continue including those Republican votes on election day as well, but apparently the final election day tallies are done as a separate effort managed by the government, and the polling firms claimed that despite their objections, they were not properly allowed to include their own polling estimations in the final electoral count. This is clearly another situation in which government regulation has shamelessly intruded into what could better have been done by the private sector, but still—the polling firms should have explained this discrepancy much sooner, so that we could have prepared for it.
In the end, however, there can be only one true reason for our insufficiently sized victory, and it is one that has been omnipresent in all of these races. America continues to be prejudiced against wealthy people.
Certainly, wealth units have ample access to Congress, and to all state and local governments as well. The Supreme Court does an admirable job of respecting the wealthy; the court instituted an unambiguous personhood policy for corporations long before such a thing was ever contemplated for fetal units. (Indeed, to their credit, the court recognized the personhood of corporate Americans many decades before the personhood of female units had been established.) Still, on many of America's more narrow, less well paved streets and within the confines of its many non-luxury buses, the old bigotries remain.
I have tried my best to speak to the concerns of wealth units. I have accepted as much of their money as current law would allow. I have met with them in their homes, and on their boats, and in their summer homes, and I have dined with them and invited their mining equipment to join me onstage for photographic opportunities. I have attempted to explain to commoners the great injustice of suggesting that wealth units pay at least the same percentage of their taxes as commoner units, even though wealth units are clearly both intellectually superior and, due to the necessity of keeping track of so many more homes and boats and airplanes, much harder workers. In the end, however, the commoners would not listen, because the commoners are too dimwitted to truly grasp these things. Even Mr. Trump, who we partnered with because of his years of experience in speaking to less wealthy, more dimwitted people, could not adequately make them understand.
I am contemplating now what to do next. I must first form an opinion as to whether or not I am disappointed about my election loss. Eric F. says that an expression of disappointment is commonplace, but it seems to me a rather bold stance for a candidate to take. I expressed some disappointment during my concessionary speech, but will withhold further emotional displays until I have analyzed the potential electoral impact to future campaigns.
As my last act as candidate, I have informed the staff, whom I am no longer paying, that they are to deliver Mr. Bus to my California home. I have placed a call to my home remodeling lobbyist informing him that the car elevator project is back on, but that we will need to alter the planned size of it considerably.
And it will need to be the right height.