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Just when things seem their suckiest - BAM! kicked in the balls.

Now I don't talk about my family or childhood in general out of respect for my family members - who would be mightily offended that I might talk about them at all.  Good or bad.

The car is having problems and the money sent to get me home is being frittered away bit by bit trying to solve the problems.  This is completely normal in my universe.  It is not in theirs.  Therefore - all problems are my fault.

I'm already not well.  I'm struggling just to get things in order to make a 3 day drive knowing full well I may never see my boat again. But now - they aren't sure they can "handle" having me around.  Because being mentally ill isn't ok.  Actually needing something is not ok.  Needing something from them - definitely not ok.

Find a job.  Find an apartment.  What do you mean you are planning to leave in 6 to 8 months, we expect you to stay permanently.  You have to stay here with us - who want you to be anyone except you know, YOU.  Because we don't know you or like you very much.  

Now add to that the fact that my mental illness likes to use birds and my parents voices to tell me what a horrible despicable human being I am that is unworthy to live.  MMM, that is a recipe for some good times right there.  Good times.  

If I explain what is happening to me - my mum sees it as a personal attack on her failure as a mum. Nevermind that isn't what I said, or meant, or even implied.  All she sees is personal attacks on her ability as a mum.  Which I could argue kind of sucked given the things that are suddenly coming out now that were just ignored - but I'm not even going there.  I'm just trying to get along and get through this.

And yet.  I asked her for one thing while I was freaking out - that she would tell me it was ok, I wasn't going to die and to come home.  And she couldn't.  I specifically spelled out - I need to hear this from you right now: it's going to be ok, you won't die, come home.  And she wouldn't or couldn't - it doesn't even matter which - and I keep asking myself, why?

Because it's my fault my own mum can't even lie to me when I need to be told it's going to be ok.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tip Jar (21+ / 0-)

    And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

    by Mortifyd on Sun Nov 18, 2012 at 12:59:19 AM PST

  •  Oh, sweetie...oh, mortifyed... (15+ / 0-)

    Many of us never got the love we needed from our mothers...

    I don't have your psychological problems (I have other ones!  yay! /snark) but at some point -- and I'm sure you know this -- you must just get used to your "nearest and dearest" being the first ones to stab you in the back.

    I wish I could continue a conversation with you -- y'know, we here at dKos do care about you -- but I'm living in Eastern Standard Time and I have to get to work tomorrow, so my time here is quite limited.  (Second shift, but even so...)

    Hang in there, buddy.  We are all pulling for you.  I wish I could offer more help than that.

    To make the argument that the media has a left- or right-wing, or a liberal or a conservative bias, is like asking if the problem with Al-Qaeda is do they use too much oil in their hummus. Al Franken

    by Youffraita on Sun Nov 18, 2012 at 01:12:47 AM PST

  •  It's so weird about truth and lies... (8+ / 0-)

    ...years ago, whilst I was struggling, my helpful lies did so much better with my parents than simple, needful truth...

    •  There are people who are just afraid they will (10+ / 0-)

      said or do something wrong in your presence. They're awkward.

      I don't know the situation between you and your family so there's not much I can say. However, I do know that some people just don't know how to respond. And it's not because they don't care for you.

      I hope your anxieties will be for naught. Take each challenge one at a time. Try not to be overwhelmed.

      It’s the Supreme Court, stupid! Followed by: It's always the Supreme Court! Progressives will win only when we convince a majority that they, too, are Progressive.

      by auapplemac on Sun Nov 18, 2012 at 01:56:20 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  First of all, I don't know you, you don't know me (11+ / 0-)

    but let me tell you there is no reason the statement:

    It's going to be OK

    has to be a lie.

    We all have choices to make, some are more difficult than others.

    Parents will never be what you think you want them to be just as you will never be what they would like you to be.  I have not spoken to my mother for 10 years, I have extremely limited contact with my father.  Both of these choices were made by me to protect myself from their expectations of me.

    I have my own expectations of me they are enough.

    It is going to be ok, all you have to do is know that what you are and who you are is what you need to be at this moment.  Nothing else matters.  If that is too vague, you are fine just the way you are.

    I would assume you are on meds, make sure you are taking them, don't let your parents get to you, remember disappointment and anger go both ways.

    "If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy" James Madison 4th US President

    by padeius on Sun Nov 18, 2012 at 01:59:34 AM PST

  •  This time of year is tough and rough on many. (8+ / 0-)

    I have great childhood memories of the holidays, but my adult holidays have been the worse- the kid's rose-colored glasses don't work anymore:(

    "Time is for careful people, not passionate ones."

    "Life without emotions is like an engine without fuel."

    by roseeriter on Sun Nov 18, 2012 at 02:58:17 AM PST

  •  So you have a car that needs repairs? (9+ / 0-)

    What time would you like me to come up?

    "Til you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules" John Lennon - Working Class Hero

    by Horace Boothroyd III on Sun Nov 18, 2012 at 03:04:07 AM PST

  •  There comes a time... (5+ / 0-)

    ...when all we can do is fall back upon what is called "radical acceptance"; that no matter how screwed up a situation is (or is perceived to be) we have to simply accept that what is, is. You've likely heard of this concept.

    I learned, and re-learned several times, that in the end it was up to me. Others can help, but to put blind faith in others, especially parents and siblings, insofar as our well-being will time and time again lead to disappointment and frustration.

    Good luck Mortifyd. I'm pulling for you.

  •  (((Mortifyd)) (8+ / 0-)

    Remember, set your daily short term goals, keep an eye on your long term goals. Your goals and their goals are not going to and do not have to match. If they don't want to hear that you're only planning to stay 6-8 months, don't tell them. Or at least don't keep reminding them. You are their child, you are not a child, there is a difference.
    One way to do that without setting roots too deep up there, is to postpone 'getting an apartment' (in this case, getting an apartment means moving back into your boat, or if you can't or won't lie to them, just say moving out) until you have an adequate money reserve. Explain that you want to make sure you will be financially secure if an emergency comes up so you don't fall back into a bad situation. This is essentially what you're doing in the first place, and saying it this way will reduce arguments. It also is a very responsible move and will appeal to their inner financial self-servingness they appear to have. You don't have to say where you're moving to once you have the adequate financial reserves saved up.

    You said your grandmother lived nearby and was supportive, does she have the room that you could move there for a couple of months if things get bad with your parents? You could offer a small rent (once you find work) and help with groceries as well as around the house? This may actually prove beneficial to both of you depending on her situation.  

    "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

    by FloridaSNMOM on Sun Nov 18, 2012 at 04:07:09 AM PST

  •  You still have us here on your side. (6+ / 0-)

    You have friends here! You have coaches, you have people who care about and believe in YOU!

    No matter what your family thinks!

    You are a separate individual, and going back for a time isn't going to be like falling into a well that you cannot get out.

    Keep us posted.

  •  Mortifyd, I'm sorry the suckiness continues. (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    FloridaSNMOM, mamamorgaine, Mrs M

    Keep breathing.

    "I believe more women should carry guns. I believe armed women will make the world a better place. Women need to come to think of themselves not as victims but as dangerous." Anna Pigeon

    by glorificus on Sun Nov 18, 2012 at 06:18:06 AM PST

  •  'it' isn't gonna be ok, but you will. (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    FloridaSNMOM, mamamorgaine, Mrs M

    I say that confidently because you seem to be self-aware, able to express yourself honestly, willing even to be honest with those who need that most. everyone acknowledging our various dysfunctionalities helps a lot because we can quit saving face, playing games and contriving words in hopes of a certain result.  

    with that being rare, it isn't likely that you will find your family able to join you in the real. you'll be okay because you will continue to find strength in that honesty and become less dependent on others.  'it' won't be okay outside of you because the habit of contriving and trying to control 'it' is strong and mother has been at it for a long time.  her self-assessment depends too much on things she can't control. as a mother, I know this feeling too well. but I have learned that mothering is more like loving and nurturing than directing and advising.  I hope that this new mother my kids have now will be a blessing to them.   it may not impact their trajectory, but it should soften the edges of harsh reality.

    obviously I am saying these things from my own perspective with little knowledge of your details.  it is all I have to offer.  

    sometimes I spend more time reading the comments than the diaries. no offense to diarists: thanks for the launch pad.

    by dunnjen on Sun Nov 18, 2012 at 06:20:27 AM PST

  •  I just saw this. (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    I'm sending hugs. I know they won't fix anything. But I'm sending them.

    Poverty = politics.

    by Renee on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 12:07:50 PM PST

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