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Welcome, as always...


A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room.  We meet every Monday evening.  Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you.  Share whatever you need to share.  We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.
Please join me over the fold, as I have something to say.

I wrote the very first Grieving Room diary five and a half years ago, ten days after the death of my mother on Good Friday, 2007.  

Since that time, my world has changed immeasurably, and yet I have gained a stability I never would have expected.  Along the way, I have had new insights that have caused me to really examine my fundamental beliefs about the the world, and the way I spend my time.

I feel very lucky to have read every diary in this series, and I love knowing that I can come back here anytime and find comfort in the wide variety of diaries and comments that have addressed every imaginable kind of loss and experience of grief (not that such a thing is truly possible, for if I have learned anything from this, it is that every loss is unique).  

Slowly and inexorably, many of us who were here from the beginning have attained a kind of peace with our grief.  We know it will never be gone, but some of us have learned to live with it and find new ways to be happy.  Others have grown used to the idea that happiness may not be part of their lives again.  New grievers have come and have found comfort here, and many have moved on. And I have developed an inevitable fatigue from being stood up and having to punt late on a Monday evening. These are truths to which I have become resigned.

It has become clear to me that the life of The Grieving Room, as it was envisioned, is coming to a close, and therefore, I am tendering my resignation.  I have thought about handing the reins over to a new series administrator so that grieving Kossacks can still have a Monday night refuge, but while that possibility exists, I have a stronger feeling that maybe those needs might be better met by a new organizer with a new series concept altogether.  If someone wishes to enter into a discussion with me about this, I am open to it.

So, barring any surprises, as the year draws to a close, so will this place (I know it is a series, but I always think of it as a sacred space).  The diaries will stay as long as DailyKos exists, for those willing to look them up and enjoy them.  I still would love to see exmearden's TGR diaries edited into a published book, as they are so beautiful.  Perhaps her family and Kos will make that a reality some day.  I will treasure them always.

I think it is fitting for me to post the final diary on 12/31, but there are a few dates left if anyone has any final thoughts to share.  Please, though, if you do speak up for a date, do me the honor of being there and seeing it through.  I'd really appreciate that.

Thank you all for being here and being part of the discussion.  I credit you all with helping me heal.  

Edit: it appears that my hosting schedule did not appear as planned in the tip jar comment.  Here it is:

11/26: Gemina13
12/3: michelewln
12/10: laurustina
12/17: OPEN
12/24: OPEN
12/31: Dem in the Heart of Texas

If you would like to speak up for one of the open dates, please PM me.  If there are more volunteers than slots, we'll figure something out...

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Comment Preferences

  •  Oh dear. I'm sorry to hear that. It's been (17+ / 0-)

    nice to know there's a place to come. Thank you for doing this for so long.

  •  Thank you!!!!! (15+ / 0-)

    You made a huge difference to so many of us.  I have not been very helpful, but I do appreciate so much what you have done.

    Maybe someone will come and choose to keep the door open in the new year.

    Much love to you you, Dem in the heart of Texas, and to all here.

    ♥♥♥♥

    Join us at Bookflurries-Bookchat on Wednesday nights 8:00 PM EST

    by cfk on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 06:50:40 PM PST

  •  I'm sorry to hear that. (15+ / 0-)

    I never committed to writing a diary here, but I've thought about it. November 8th is a truly terrible day for my mother. My father's birthday was November 8th. He died in August, 2009. My aunt Kathleen's (my mother's youngest sister) birthday was also November 8th. She died, suddenly and inexplicably, in December 2010. And last week I found out that my uncle, my mother's only brother, had died on November 8th.

     I was 12 when he died, of a rare and hereditary condition, after finishing his residency in pediatrics and planning to start a clinic in Dublin, Ireland. So...my thought was to somehow...I don't know how...write about my grief for my father and my mother's even greater losses. I loved my aunt and uncle, of course, but didn't see them very often.

    Maybe I will write, someday. Hopefully somebody will take up the mantle :)

  •  Glad it was here (12+ / 0-)

    ...but good things end. :(

    America, we can do better than this...

    by Randomfactor on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 07:05:37 PM PST

  •  Thank you so much (15+ / 0-)

    for organizing this vigil for more than five years.  Just reading the diaries and comments has brought me peace when I needed it - too often in "pre-loss" mode.

    We do appreciate your work here - this series has brought comfort and a nudge along the path of healing.

    The truth always matters.

    by texasmom on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 07:06:43 PM PST

  •  I had a feeling before I opened this about (15+ / 0-)

    what you might have to say.

    It's another loss in a way, one that I will mourn along with all my other losses.  I do understand that life is change and at some point I will accept this change too, but not right now.  {sad smile}

    I thought of you this weekend Dem.  You see, the reason I got to meet you last year around Thanksgiving was because of my husband's relatives there, including his sister.  And just this Saturday his sister died, his last living sibling. I still have Russell's nephew & wife there and most likely will make another trip in the future, but it will never be the same.  More loss, more change.

    As of this morning November 7, 2012 the Includers are ascendant, and the Excluders are in the minority. [samsoneyes]

    by FlamingoGrrl on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 07:48:39 PM PST

  •  I have wanted to take my turn (12+ / 0-)

    with a diary. However, until the lawsuit I have over my wife's misdiagnosis has kept me from giving details. It's been 2 years, 8 months and 16 days since she died. It's been 6 days longer that we were told she just had sinus tachycardia. That is a symptom of a pulmonary embolism, and not a reason to be unable to breathe normally. i will diary about this some day.

    "He that will not reason is a bigot; he that cannot reason is a fool; he that dares not reason is a slave." — William Drummond of Hawthornedenne (13 December 1585 – 4 December 1649), Scottish poet.

    by zamrzla on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 07:52:26 PM PST

  •  I came here when my sister died- (10+ / 0-)

    knowing that here at Kos there was a place I could 'vent', rant and be understood.

    That will not stop just because as an organized group, The Grieving Room is leaving.

    So, I am certain I am not alone in knowing- that if the need arises, I can write and share my moments of dealing with loss, and I know that all of you will be there to walk me through it.

    And that goes for the same with me- if any of you feel the need to write- I will be there listen.

    Dem- you have been a first class rescuer- healer and all out fine person.  Thank you so much!

    Growing old is inevitable...Growing up is purely optional

    by grannycarol on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 08:19:23 PM PST

  •  Grief this time around (11+ / 0-)

    has been so much harder.  Maybe it is because of the circumstances and others who are involved.  I can't really explain the situation as it would mean I might reveal information that I am not able too right now.  Just know that the grieving process this time will be much, much worse than before with other expected shocks along the way.  

    I am getting physical symptoms which I don't remember having before.  I find myself unable to eat, my stomach hurts, I get anxious and angry easily.  Maybe because I am older and notice it more.

    Last night my 17 year old went over to a coworkers house to play video games.  He was supposed to be home by midnight.  He is usually pretty trustworthy but he can be a little forgetful at times and thoughtless, just like most teenagers.  I woke up at 2 am and he wasn't there.  I panicked.  He didn't answer his phone after multiple tries and I thought the worst.  I didn't really know this coworker and was only vaguely aware of where he lived but I got into the car anyway ready to go look.  Meanwhile, hoping to hear that reassuring ding from my phone saying he had finally texted me back. I called again multiple times and he didn't answer.  I drove around looking for his car trying to figure out where this friend lived and suddenly the phone dinged.  I could breath again.  I told him only one thing, "I got scared."  He apologized and told me he had fallen asleep.  He wasn't mad that I had come looking for him and I wasn't mad that he had thoughtlessly fallen asleep and missed his curfew.  We both knew the unspoken fear was all too real.  It is amazing how close we have become over this past month.

    Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul in this world--and never will. Mark Twain

    by whoknu on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 08:24:40 PM PST

  •  Thank you for the opportunity to post (7+ / 0-)

    my 2 diaries here, each so special because of the life they represented. I know all good things come to an end, yet the cycle of grief only changes in time. I appreciate the community you built here and all of the work you put into it ♥.

    "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass... it is about learning to dance in the rain." ~ Vivanne Grenne

    by remembrance on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 08:54:44 PM PST

  •  Oh Dem, (7+ / 0-)

    I am heavy-hearted to read of this. I had a feeling about it, lately, but I had hoped it was just a seasonal thing and that somebody would step up. I myself have been a pretty bad diarist in this series, having forgotten a few promised posts and flubbing some others. Over the past month I have cancelled more posts than I have made because I am out of words. I still have enough language to thank you and everyone else who have been active here. Your and exme's words showed me that I had found a place of refuge. For that I will ever be grateful. I'll be back every Monday evening when I can remember until the last posting.

  •  Dem.... (6+ / 0-)

    thanks for providing this refuge, a place to hear other stories of grief.

    I found you after my dad died last year and I've tried to stop in every Monday nite when I can.  My own experience is different.....and I don't comment very often.

    I'll miss the sharing and the poetry of the wonderful contributers.

    My hope is that someone else will carry on.....

    "I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."~ Christopher Reeve~

    by Texnance on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 10:07:09 PM PST

  •  This place has meant so much to me (6+ / 0-)

    I found The Grieving Room four years ago when I lost my mother and my dear friend Mimi within six months. I fell apart and got very lost. The
    Grieving Room helped immeasurably and got me to start going to a grief support group. I wrote only one diary but made a point of checking in each Monday bight and commenting often. I visited less as I felt myself coming to a place of less wounding but always felt honored to have been surrounded by the big hearts and loving embraces I always found here.

    Thanks so much Dem. You are a treasure and you are one of the brilliant reasons Daily Kos is so much more than a political blog, it is a community.

    "Seed corn. It's what's for dinner!" Republican philosophy of governance

    by madame damnable on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 11:47:32 PM PST

  •  Dem, late to the dance, as usual for me (6+ / 0-)

    Thank you for starting this Community Diary. Many of us here have appreciated a place to have welcome from others who have done the never-ending journey towards beginning to re-define ourselves as living beings with loss of living beings behind us as well as ahead of us.

    I have been thinking about regrets. That happens somewhere, multiple times probably, after a death. Maybe even before a death. I pre-grieve my 92 y/o mother and anger bubbles up at times from me, and I don't have a physical chill-pill, just a mental one. That's probably better.

    What do I regret now: I never wrote anything in the months before my husband's death. I made some stupid statements to him. Well, he can't remind me of those now.

    Since he died, I have paid off two mortgages on my two properties, paid off our part of son's college tuition, gotten the primary residence in better shape, etc. I now can talk of the past as ours and the present as mine.

    Hugs to us all (I miss the hugs a lot).

    Americans, while occasionally willing to be serfs, have always been obstinate about being peasantry. F. Scott Fitzgerald, the Great Gatsby

    by riverlover on Tue Nov 20, 2012 at 02:21:12 AM PST

  •  Dem, thank you so much (0+ / 0-)

    for your dedication to this for so many years. The only diaries I have ever written (3 total) were for TGR.

    This is an amazing place, and perhaps something similar will move in to fill the gap that will be left.

    I understand and agree with the fact that the time seems to have come to close this chapter of this series.

    I don't know what else to write at the moment, but I will visit the upcoming last diaries.

    Thank you again.

    Mrs M

  •  If I had diary scheduling privileges, (0+ / 0-)

    I could find the time to put a boilerplate diary out
    each week,
    with an invitation
    for anyone who wants to host.

    This way,
    I would start out
    expecting to schedule the boilerplate diary
    to post from the queue,
    at the set time
    each week.

    Any lively host diary
    would be gravy.

    If the lively diarist fails to meet a certain deadline,
    I schedule the boilerplate.

    I'm already planning to do this
    for the Indigo Kalliope group,
    soon to be under the
    Readers and Book Lovers.

    I've been asked to fill the shoes
    of ulookarmless,
    now deceased.

    Maybe I could write a grand diary
    that might at least have the tag,
    if not the whole format,
    of TGR,
    and also Indigo Kalliope,
    about ulookarmless,
    with the pirate joke his username came from,
    and a few of his poems,
    and a few quotes and tributes
    from his memorial diary.

    We could also write a TGR diary about exme.

    And we could do a few more
    in honor of a few of those
    who died in possession of one of the
    Community Quilts.

    I know TGR was meant as a place
    to express deep grief about those
    in our personal lives,
    but we can add memorials
    to our online friends.

    I keep thinking,
    often,
    about my last TGR diary,
    the two lists.

    Things that make me feel good,
    things that make me cry,
    and thinking of Pam's smile
    is on both lists.

    Maybe it's a bad idea,
    but if I had the ability
    to schedule diaries in the TGR queue,
    I might do something with it
    that could give readers a grief support group.

    If I fail,
    folks can just blame me.

  •  Dem in the heart of Texas (0+ / 0-)

    please check your kosmail

    "Politics is like driving. To go backward put it in R. To go forward put it in D."
    Four More Years! How sweet it is!!!

    by TrueBlueMajority on Mon Nov 26, 2012 at 09:41:32 AM PST

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