From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
177 Years Witty
"The true father of our national literature." That's how H.L. Mencken described the force of nature that was Samuel Langhorne Clemens, aka Mark Twain. If ever there was a person whose bullshit detector went to 11, it was him. Also in his corner: he was anti-slavery, pro-women's rights, clear-eyed about religion, and a big supporter of labor unions. Damn funny, too. His zingers are endless---here's a few:
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.Today is Twain's 177th birthday. Pay your respects here. And then donate a few copies of Huck Finn to your local library…just to piss off the book-ban-happy wingers.
The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.
What, sir, would the people of this earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir.Made in USA
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Oh, and the Netroots Nation Holiday Bazaar online auction is now OPEN. Bid early, bid often!
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 30, 2012
Note: Gifts bestowed by President Obama in exchange for your vote are non-refundable. However, for a limited time you can bring yours to the Vice President's office and exchange them for the pair of Garfield-eating-lasagna socks he got at Costco yesterday. ---Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til 2013: 32
Days 'til the lighting of the National War Against Christmas Tree: 6
Average daily amount Americans collectively spent on gas in 2012: $1.32 billion
Average per-gallon price this year: $3.94
(Source: Oil Price Information Service)
Number of the Fed's 12 regional banking districts in which economic growth improved last month: 9 (the other three were adversely affected by Superstorm Sandy)
Hourly pay for the average shopping mall Santa: $15-$35
Price range of a custom-made Santa suit these days: $600-$3,500
(Source: USA Today)
Friday Joe Lieberman Wanker Walk Countdown:-
Senator-elect Chris Murphy replaces Joe Lieberman in 34 days.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Coincidentally, this is exactly what Dick Cheney sounded like as a baby.
You can come back in now."
CHEERS to crossing the finish line (albeit with gobs of seaweed up our nose). Southerners and East Coasters rejoice! As of today your 2012 Atlantic hurricane season is officially over. And they say this year…
it Hurricane Holy Shit!
…marks the second consecutive year that the mid-Atlantic and Northeast suffered devastating impacts from a named storm. Sandy, and Irene last year, caused fatalities, injuries, and tremendous destruction from coastal storm surge, heavy rainfall, inland flooding, and wind. Storms struck many parts of the country this year, including tropical storms Beryl and Debby in Florida, Hurricane Isaac in Louisiana, and Post-tropical Cyclone Sandy in New Jersey. “This year proved that it’s wrong to think that only major hurricanes can ruin lives and impact local economies,” said Laura Furgione, acting director of NOAA’s National Weather Service. “We are hopeful that after the 2012 hurricane season, more families and businesses all along the Atlantic and Gulf Coasts become more “weather ready” by understanding the risks associated with living near the coastline.Their 2013 hurricane season forecast comes out next May. Other than blizzards, ice storms, tornadoes, nor'easters, mudslides, droughts and Republicans in Congress, we're all clear!
the Rosa Parks bus.
CHEERS to America's cleaning service. On tomorrow's date in 1970 the Environmental Protection Agency was born during the reign of that shameless Marxist socialist, Richard "Hitler/Mao/Stalin" Nixon. Under his orders, government "life panels" were created to ration environmental care by putting competent bureaucrats between you and your polluter under the guise of collectively "protecting human health and the environment." Today, thoroughly embarrassed by their un-American blunder, a large chunk of Republicans want to abolish the EPA as they try and erase any connection between themselves and promotion of America's general welfare. Because, as their current bumper sticker slogan says: "Clean Air = Lazy Lungs."
CHEERS to home vegetation. Wicked cold round these pahts, ayuh! Here are some of the haps on the warm picture box this weekend, starting with your NFL schedule. (The Patriots will "beach" the Dolphins---Ha Ha Ha!!!) New DVD releases include Men in Black 3 and the bootlegger actioner Lawless. Dueling Christmas flicks air tomorrow night, with It's A Wonderful Life on NBC and Elf on ABC Family. SNL is a repeat of the Daniel Craig-hosted show. On 60 Minutes: escape from North Korea and a solar-powered plane that can fly…at night!!!!! And at 9: the finale of Boardwalk Empire. SPOILER ALERT: firearms are discharged.
Bill Moyers & Company takes on "The United States of ALEC." Don’t forget to check in with the best weekend morning shows, Up! With Chris Hayes and Melissa Harris-Perry. And here's your Sunday morning lineup---look carefully and see if you can spot a pattern:
all the major Sunday shows
this weekend? Hint: this guy!
Meet the Press: Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner; Sens. Claire McCaskill (D-MO) and Bob Corker (R-TN); roundtable with Grover Norquist Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD), Jim Cramer and Maria Bartiromo.Happy Geithnering!!!
This Week: Tim Geithner; roundtable with Rep. Tom Cole (R-OK), Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN), Romney campaign's chief neocon Dan Senor, auto bailout advisor Steve Rattner, and Myrtle Beach expert Cokie Roberts.
CNN's State of the Union: Tim Geithner; Sens. Mark Warner (D-VA) and Kelly Ayott (R-NH); Wolf Blitzer models the latest beachwear.
Face the Nation: Tim Geithner; Sens. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) and Lindsay Graham (R-Fussytown); Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Tim Geithner; Senators Tom Coburn and Chuck Schumer; roundtable with Mara Liasson, Bill Kristol, Evan Bayh and Ed Rollins.
Seven years ago in C&J: November 30, 2005
CHEERS to Slammer Boy. In the first of what will be many falling Republican dominoes, Republican congressman Randy Cunningham resigns amid a bribery scandal. His words: "I'm sorry." His thoughts: "I'm sorry I got caught."
JEERS to the never-ending trial of Saddam Hussein. It's on again. It's off again. It's on again. It's off again. At this rate, dude's gonna die of old age. Stick him in a cage next to a rotten tomato stand, already.
And just one more…
CHEERS to baby's first
words steps half century. According to the United States Constitution, I have an obligation to run naked up and down the street this Sunday yelling, "Nifty! Nifty! Look who's fifty!!!" Yes, on December 2nd, I will officially be the boy toy of a 50-year-old man: namely, Michael (aka "Common Sense Mainer"), my sweetie of two of those five decades. Y'know, I could delve into the ancient history archives and make him feel old by revisiting life waaaaay back in 1962…
Kennedy was president…but I won't. Too much of a cliché. Besides, the little bastard still gets carded when he buys liquor. Like, seriously carded! That's some good genes right there. So I'll just say Happy Birthday, Cutie---and many blessings on your camels.
Tuition to Harvard cost $1,250
The first Beatles sng was released
Gas was 28 cents per gallon
To Kill A Mockingbird and Lawrence of Arabia were released
John Glennn orbited the earth
The Berlin wall was fresh and new
Johnny Carson began his reign as king of late night TV
Have a super weekend. It's easy to do if you own blue tights and a red cape with matching booties. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?