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177 Years Witty

"The true father of our national literature." That's how H.L. Mencken described the force of nature that was Samuel Langhorne Clemens, aka Mark Twain. If ever there was a person whose bullshit detector went to 11, it was him. Also in his corner: he was anti-slavery, pro-women's rights, clear-eyed about religion, and a big supporter of labor unions. Damn funny, too. His zingers are endless---here's a few:

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.
Head shot of Mark Twain
Made in USA
What, sir, would the people of this earth be without woman?  They would be scarce, sir.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Today is Twain's 177th birthday. Pay your respects here. And then donate a few copies of Huck Finn to your local library…just to piss off the book-ban-happy wingers.

Oh, and the Netroots Nation Holiday Bazaar online auction is now OPEN. Bid early, bid often!

Your west coast-friendly edition of  Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 30, 2012

Note: Gifts bestowed by President Obama in exchange for your vote are non-refundable.  However, for a limited time you can bring yours to the Vice President's office and exchange them for the pair of Garfield-eating-lasagna socks he got at Costco yesterday.  ---Mgt.


By the Numbers:
Days 'til 2013: 32
Days 'til the lighting of the National War Against Christmas Tree: 6
Average daily amount Americans collectively spent on gas in 2012: $1.32 billion
Average per-gallon price this year: $3.94
(Source: Oil Price Information Service)
Number of the Fed's 12 regional banking districts in which economic growth improved last month: 9 (the other three were adversely affected by Superstorm Sandy)
Hourly pay for the average shopping mall Santa: $15-$35
Price range of a custom-made Santa suit these days: $600-$3,500
(Source: USA Today)


Friday Joe Lieberman Wanker Walk Countdown:
Senator-elect Chris Murphy replaces Joe Lieberman in 34 days.

Puppy Pic of the Day:  Coincidentally, this is exactly what Dick Cheney sounded like as a baby.


President Obama enters the Oval Office with Bo
"It's okay, Bo. He's gone.
You can come back in now."
CHEERS to closure.  One thing about running for president: you know that if you lose you're gonna be on the receiving end of your side's rage and the other side's glee and it's gonna hurt like hell.  So it was nice to see President Obama showing respect to Mitt Romney yesterday as they sat down for lunch in the White House.  (Although I have to wonder whose idea it was to serve "white turkey" chili---nice touch.)  Among other things, Mitt gave the president point-by-point specifics on how to improve the economy.  Because, of course, offering point-by-point specifics during the campaign would've beeen silly.  With a final parting handshake, Romney left the White House grounds in the family station wagon, after which the Secret Service gave the all-clear to let Bo out of his undisclosed location.

CHEERS to crossing the finish line (albeit with gobs of seaweed up our nose). Southerners and East Coasters rejoice!  As of today your 2012 Atlantic hurricane season is officially over. And they say this year

Hurricane Sandy 27Oct2719:40Z Navy day night imagery
They shoulda called
it Hurricane Holy Shit!
…marks the second consecutive year that the mid-Atlantic and Northeast suffered devastating impacts from a named storm.  Sandy, and Irene last year, caused fatalities, injuries, and tremendous destruction from coastal storm surge, heavy rainfall, inland flooding, and wind.  Storms struck many parts of the country this year, including tropical storms Beryl and Debby in Florida, Hurricane Isaac in Louisiana, and Post-tropical Cyclone Sandy in New Jersey.  “This year proved that it’s wrong to think that only major hurricanes can ruin lives and impact local economies,” said Laura Furgione, acting director of NOAA’s National Weather Service.  “We are hopeful that after the 2012 hurricane season, more families and businesses all along the Atlantic and Gulf Coasts become more “weather ready” by understanding the risks associated with living near the coastline.
Their 2013 hurricane season forecast comes out next May.  Other than blizzards, ice storms, tornadoes, nor'easters, mudslides, droughts and Republicans in Congress, we're all clear!

President Barack Obama sits alone on the Rosa Parks bus while looking out a window.
President Obama on
the Rosa Parks bus.
CHEERS to parking your keister for equality. On tomorrow's date in 1955, seamstress Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama public bus.  Parks wasn't the first black American to challenge the discriminatory rules of public transportation.  But in this case her arrest and the ensuing boycott of the bus system---led by budding civil rights activist Martin Luther King, Jr.---became a signature event of the civil rights protest movement.  Fifty three years later we elected our first black president and 24 days ago we re-elected him in an electoral college landslide.  If fate plays its role the way I hope it does, in four years we'll elect the first woman president.  And eight years after that, the first bus president.  It's a dream---let's make it happen!

CHEERS to America's cleaning service.  On tomorrow's date in 1970 the Environmental Protection Agency was born during the reign of that shameless Marxist socialist, Richard "Hitler/Mao/Stalin" Nixon.  Under his orders, government "life panels" were created to ration environmental care by putting competent bureaucrats between you and your polluter under the guise of collectively "protecting human health and the environment."  Today, thoroughly embarrassed by their un-American blunder, a large chunk of Republicans want to abolish the EPA as they try and erase any connection between themselves and promotion of America's general welfare.  Because, as their current bumper sticker slogan says: "Clean Air = Lazy Lungs."

CHEERS to home vegetation.  Wicked cold round these pahts, ayuh!  Here are some of the haps on the warm picture box this weekend, starting with your NFL schedule.  (The Patriots will "beach" the Dolphins---Ha Ha Ha!!!)  New DVD releases include Men in Black 3 and the bootlegger actioner Lawless.  Dueling Christmas flicks air tomorrow night, with It's A Wonderful Life on NBC and Elf on ABC Family.  SNL is a repeat of the Daniel Craig-hosted show.  On 60 Minutes: escape from North Korea and a solar-powered plane that can fly…at night!!!!!  And at 9: the finale of Boardwalk Empire.  SPOILER ALERT: firearms are discharged.

Bill Moyers & Company takes on "The United States of ALEC."  Don’t forget to check in with the best weekend morning shows, Up! With Chris Hayes and Melissa Harris-Perry.  And here's your Sunday morning lineup---look carefully and see if you can spot a pattern:

Guess who's going to be on
all the major Sunday shows
this weekend? Hint: this guy!
Meet the Press: Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner; Sens. Claire McCaskill (D-MO) and Bob Corker (R-TN); roundtable with Grover Norquist Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD), Jim Cramer and Maria Bartiromo.

This Week: Tim Geithner; roundtable with Rep. Tom Cole (R-OK), Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN), Romney campaign's chief neocon Dan Senor, auto bailout advisor Steve Rattner, and Myrtle Beach expert Cokie Roberts.

CNN's State of the Union: Tim Geithner; Sens. Mark Warner (D-VA) and Kelly Ayott (R-NH); Wolf Blitzer models the latest beachwear.

Face the Nation: Tim Geithner; Sens. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) and Lindsay Graham (R-Fussytown); Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI).

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday:  Tim Geithner; Senators Tom Coburn and Chuck Schumer; roundtable with Mara Liasson, Bill Kristol, Evan Bayh and Ed Rollins.

Happy Geithnering!!!


Seven years ago in C&J: November 30, 2005

CHEERS to Slammer Boy.  In the first of what will be many falling Republican dominoes, Republican congressman Randy Cunningham resigns amid a bribery scandal.  His words: "I'm sorry."  His thoughts: "I'm sorry I got caught."

JEERS to the never-ending trial of Saddam Hussein.  It's on again.  It's off again.  It's on again.  It's off again.  At this rate, dude's gonna die of old age.  Stick him in a cage next to a rotten tomato stand, already.


And just one more…

CHEERS to baby's first words steps half century.  According to the United States Constitution, I have an obligation to run naked up and down the street this Sunday yelling, "Nifty! Nifty! Look who's fifty!!!"  Yes, on December 2nd, I will officially be the boy toy of a 50-year-old man: namely, Michael (aka "Common Sense Mainer"), my sweetie of two of those five decades.  Y'know, I could delve into the ancient history archives and make him feel old by revisiting life waaaaay back in 1962…

Kossack Common Sense Mainer, aka Michael
50 and still gets carded.
Kennedy was president
Tuition to Harvard cost $1,250
The first Beatles sng was released
Gas was 28 cents per gallon
To Kill A Mockingbird and Lawrence of Arabia were released
John Glennn orbited the earth
The Berlin wall was fresh and new
Johnny Carson began his reign as king of late night TV
…but I won't.  Too much of a cliché.  Besides, the little bastard still gets carded when he buys liquor.  Like, seriously carded!  That's some good genes right there.  So I'll just say Happy Birthday, Cutie---and many blessings on your camels.

Have a super weekend.  It's easy to do if you own blue tights and a red cape with matching booties.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?



Who won the week?

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