(cross post from filthyliberal.com, which contains an unedited version)
I keep waiting for this to appear. I feel in my gut it is coming, much like a bout of violent illness you may experience from eating fast food, or perhaps the inevitable clenched-bolt to the restroom after consuming a Papa John's pizza. The only reason I can figure that it hasn't already appeared is because the gentle giants in the GOP have not yet figured out how to get the language right (because they know they can sell us a stale turd sandwich in a minute if they can only get that darn language right). So I thought I'd help them out, just this once.
Mr. Boehner, if you use this, I will expect the standard envelope delivered to me by the usual courier. (Don't give me that "I was drunk and forgot" sh*t like last time.) It's written with you and your buddies in mind so feel free to steal it and use it as a boilerplate in your agenda.
After the orangutan soul patch.
(This is a work in progress. Please consider it a very rough draft.)
We, the Republican Party of the United States, acting in good faith to protect the rights of all Americans and to help the plight of the American poor, present the following Bill to Congress.
Due to the pressing need of many underemployed and unemployed Americans who can not afford food, clothing, transportation, education and medical care for themselves and their families due to economic downturns caused by liberal and progressive policies we offer the official groundwork for creation of contracts allowing for employers to offer total care and comfort for American Workers.
The American Worker Patriot Act per Employer Compensation and Economic Vitalization.
1) All Americans have the right to enter into an agreement for personal enrichment and care in return for labor.
2) Contracts may be written for the individual or individual and family members. In the case of family members 14 years of age or younger, these will be regarded as dependent units under the care of the holder of the contract pursuant to contractual obligations.
3) Individuals over the age of 14 have the right to enter into their own contracts.
4) Contracts will have all rights of the signee enumerated clearly. Such rights may be subject to changes without prior notice as determined by the contract holder and the company or companies named in the contract. Companies may by changed or added without prior notice or notification.
5) To provide maximum benefit and protection to the employee (signee), contracts may be designed with all family members in mind. The contract holder is free to set conditions and terms for:
5a) Education for all school age children.
5b) Medical care and medical insurance for all family members who do not hold a contract signed with the current contract holder or another contract holder.
5c) Food, shelter, clothing and transportation (to and from area of employment) to be provided in total by contract holder.
6) In order to provide maximum benefit to the signee, hours of employment shall not be artificially imposed by any external considerations.
7) Pay as determined by contract shall be deposited into an account (Employee Investment Account, or EIA) that will be used to pay for all additional expenses incurred due to the natural free market forces governing the employment.
8) EIA dividends and holdings shall be used by the contract holder to pay for all expenses incurred by point 5 (above).
9a) Education of all minors shall be determined by contract holder. Minimum requirements will be English language instruction, Spiritual Enrichment, and Basic Math Skills. Additional Education (skills sets) to be determined by contract holder as necessary.
9b) Higher education may be granted in limited instances, to be determined by contract holder who may set eligibility requirements.
9c) No one beyond the age of 14 will be covered by basic Educational requirements.
10a) Infirmary will be available for signee and dependents pursuant to requirements laid out in each contract.
10b) Additional medical care, should it become necessary, shall meet or exceed minimum requirements (TBD by Party Panel).
10c) Emergency Medical issues shall be determined by need and efficient delivery services.
10d) Dental, Optical - Additional medical resources may be contracted on an individual needs basis, determined by availability and the employees EIA.
11a) Appropriate clothing may be determined by contract holder for all employees and dependents. Clothing appropriate for age, gender, and other factors TBD on an individual basis and the employees position with the company and duties with the company.
11b) Work attire will be determined by the company and will remain company property.
11c) Care and upkeep of all clothing will be the responsibility of the contract holder.
12a) All signees and dependents shall be provided adequate housing based on the prevailing climate and conditions. Dorms company block houses and individual abodes TBD by nature of each employees position and tenure with the company.
12b) Signees and dependents shall be allowed full company facilities.
12c) Departure from company property for any reason shall be approved prior to departure by appropriate contract holder personnel and shall not exceed more than one incident per calendar year with time not to exceed more than 3 days.
12d) Unapproved departure from company property shall be cause for immediate termination of the employees position with the company, forfeiture of EIA holdings, and require immediate return of all company (contract holder) property held by employee and all dependents.
13) Transportation - Employer is responsible for all transportation and related expenses.
(More to come, AFTER you deliver to me that envelope, Mr Boehner.)