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As a practicing Catholic, I've been very concerned over the left's attempts to wage war on the most sacred holiday in Christianity. Some may ask, "Easter?" No. Despite Jesus' resurrection being the basis for our religion, the most important of the Christian holidays, that were strategically placed around pagan holidays, is Christmas.

However, with the ongoing war being waged against Christmas, my family and I must drastically change how we celebrate this season. As you will see, our history, our ritual, our tradition will be forever changed.  As much as I do not want to hide my religion, our Christian survival is dependent upon.   I highly suggest that you all take note and implement similar strategies.

1) In order to avoid having attention drawn to us for being Christians, my wife and I will not shop for all of our Christmas presents in one location. We much shop at a clothing store for presents related to clothes and toy stores for toys. We need to make it very difficult to be traced. We also have implemented a strategy of buying items online. I know... "But what about your credit card being traced for online purchases?"  Paypal is my answer. We may even need to purchase gift cards in which the recipient of such can buy whatever he chooses with it, thus not being traced to us for buying said item.

2) After we are done wrapping our presents for our children and each other, my wife and I must decide in secret places to hide our presents so those that want to destroy Christmas cannot find them and accuse us of being Christians. These presents will be finally freed from these locations at the last minute. Places to hide Christmas presents include in the attic, closets, under the bed, crawlspace. If one is inquiring whether to ask a neighbor or relative to help in hiding presents, be careful. People can easily appear to be Christians by celebrating Christmas, wearing crosses, praying, and putting up lights. Just to be safe, our names will not be noted on the presents, rather, we will use the pseudonyms Santa, Santa Claus, or St Nick.

3) So I do not get fired from my job by by supervisor (don't trust anyone!), I requested the few days surrounding Christmas off as to not celebrate publicly.

4) As the weather gets colder and snow begins to fall, especially since we live in the Midwest, our children may want to go outside to play in the snow, build snow forts, or go sledding. As a precaution, we will dress them in multiple layers of clothing so their Christmas shirts are not exposed for all to see.

5) In order to avoid the haters of Christmas to wreak their vengeance on us, my wife and I will wait until the middle of the night on Christmas morning to get our presents out for our children and place them under the tree. This late night strategy increases the chances that the vast majority of people are asleep, including our young children. Also, if our calculations are correct, our children will wake up before dawn to wake us up in order to open their presents, unknown to others in the neighborhood. They have already learned the importance of stealth in darkness.

6) At some point during the day, we will attend Church. However, unlike previous years, the Mass will not be done outside, openly, in below zero weather. Rather, we will be inside the Church with the doors closed, expressing our faith. With the doors closed, those on the outside will not know what is exactly going on inside. We may also attend something called Midnight Mass which starts at midnight. As mentioned previously, darkness is important. Leaving in the dark to attend Mass and driving when people are asleep may be a smart thing to do. However, beware of the police on the road. There may be infiltrators within their ranks.

I hope this guide was informative. Please, be careful this Christmas season. Our religion depends on it. God bless. What's that? Who's there? Hello? Nnnnnoooooooooooooo!!

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Comment Preferences

  •  LOL. I Am An Atheist. And The War (10+ / 0-)

    on me is stunning. Christmas is all around me. I can't get away from it. The concept of giving to others I am all behind. A "War on Christmas" is just a freaking joke.

    When opportunity calls pick up the phone and give it directions to your house.

    by webranding on Tue Dec 04, 2012 at 06:01:08 PM PST

  •  11 months out of the year (8+ / 0-)

    there is a war an atheists and muslims (apparently they are about the same thing.) 1 month out of the year the tables are turned and Christians subjected to scorn and ridicule.

    Happy Winter Solstice.

    A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward. Franklin D. Roosevelt

    by notrouble on Tue Dec 04, 2012 at 06:12:56 PM PST

  •  This may be just snark, but for (3+ / 0-)

    those of us who have fought on the front lines in the War Against Christmas it is no joke. If we all have had enough of Christmas, and really want it to end once and for all, we cannot sit on our butts and watch other godless people fight the good fight - we ALL have to participate. Even if you are incapacitated, or don't know advanced weaponry techniques, there are still roles for you in the War. You can help steal Christmas trees, or phone bank to raise money for much-needed rations and supplies for our brave anti-Christian soldiers.

  •  Picture to come! (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Andrew F Cockburn

    Our neighborhood is brighter than Times Square, but it's "light wars" this week. Orthodox Jewish Menorrahs,  Christian light pollution, and within a block two mosques.

    Lest we forget, Christmas is actually a pagan holiday. In Pilgrim America, Christmas was a crime!

    Ignore the hype. Go spend, spend, spend and feel guilty if you are not hyper-happy!

  •  Go have a good time with your religious holiday (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    a2nite, PSzymeczek

    nobody's stopping you.  Call it anything you like.  Don't expect me to celebrate it with you.

    “I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.” –Blaise Pascal

    by dskoe on Tue Dec 04, 2012 at 07:03:01 PM PST

  •  Happy Holidays! (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Lily O Lady

    Take that!

    It is amazing that for so many people, "Merry Christmas" isn't a greeting at all, but something spat at people, a grenade thrown in their culture war. They get so angry at the phrase "Happy Holidays".

    Ebeneezer Scrooge said "I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year." But I don't think he had in mind having it be the Christmas Shopping Season all year. The Christmas shopping season begins earlier and earlier each year. Black Friday was bad enough, with Christmas shopping right after Thanksgiving, but now Christmas stuff is out before Halloween. People are demanding people say "Merry Christmas" before Advent even begins. It seems that there are a great many Christians who don't even know what Advent is. The 12 Days of Christmas don't even start until Christmas.

    It used to be that Christians would decry the commercialization of Christmas. Now they demand it.

    The wolfpack eats venison. The lone wolf eats mice.

    by A Citizen on Tue Dec 04, 2012 at 09:23:45 PM PST

  •  Christmas vs. Easter (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Noddy

    Easter is generally considered the most important part of the Christian calendar, while Christmas used to be a relatively minor part of the Christian calendar. Today, contrary to most church's official position, Christmas is often seen as the #1 day. There was some Christmas cartoon talking about Christmas Eve being "the holiest night of the year." I'm not going to tell people what to revere, but Christmas cartoons might not be the most reliable theological sources.

    The wolfpack eats venison. The lone wolf eats mice.

    by A Citizen on Tue Dec 04, 2012 at 09:27:42 PM PST

    •  I get all my Christian theology (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      A Citizen

      from Christmas cartoons....my co-workers pin them up everywhere.

      Of course, dastardly soul that I am, I force them to participate in Cookie Day by placing platters of cookies on desks throughout the office.

      All knowledge is worth having. Check out OctopodiCon to support steampunk learning and fun. Also, on DKos, check out the Itzl Alert Network.

      by Noddy on Wed Dec 05, 2012 at 06:37:21 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  I got all the christian theology I need growing up (0+ / 0-)

        It's taken the rest of my life to free myself from it.

        “I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.” –Blaise Pascal

        by dskoe on Wed Dec 05, 2012 at 10:56:01 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

  •  Merry happy (0+ / 0-)

    Christmahannukwanyulsticefest!

    You can't keep a mighty tree alive (much less expect it to thrive) by only spritzing the fine leaves at its tippy-top. The fate of the whole tree depends on nurturing the grassroots. - Jim Hightower

    by PSzymeczek on Wed Dec 05, 2012 at 08:23:03 AM PST

  •  You can't wage a war... (0+ / 0-)

    ...on Christmas and take Christ out of Christmas when you chose to INSERT Christ into a perfectly good pagan celebration in the first place -- the winter solstice.  Oh, and stop putting up Christmas trees, that's a pagan symbol too.  And while you're at it, how about Easter bunnies and Easter eggs??  Yep, pagan as well.  Damn, suddenly no holidays!!

    Fascism should more properly be called corporatism because it is the merger of state and corporate power -- Benito Mussolini

    by drcraigphd on Wed Dec 05, 2012 at 08:34:45 AM PST

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