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If I had 0.000000000000000000000000001% of a penny every time a religious person did something hypocritical, I'd be a trillionaire.

People should be able to own as many guns as they want, just like our forefathers: Rambo, Elmer Fudd, RoboCop, Starship Troopers, Megatron…

Don't be honest. You just end up hurting feelings and everyone starts hating you. Go out there and lie your sweet fucking ass off.

I take 3 sheets of printing paper, place them in an envelop, and mail it with no return address to paranoid friends and family.

A cop made me give my shoes to a homeless guy.

Why haven't they invented automatic pilot for cars? The designated driver lobby can't be that strong.

Yes, Nero played the fiddle while Rome burned but that was only because Facebook wasn't invented yet.

I like women who know how to deal with cobras. That's not a euphemism; I'm terrified of venomous snakes.

If you cut an earthworm in half, the two halves will grow back and resent each other.


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