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C&J Goes A' Caroling

Cartoon dog howling
Another Rick Santorum
nightmare: dog on blog.
(Apologies to "Jingle Bells")

A year or two ago
They popped up unannounced
And all the pundits swooned
Two gods they were pronounced

"We're here with big bold plans,
To put this country right.
And we both know just what to do
And do it in one night!"


Simpson-Bowles, Simpson-Bowles
It will save the day!
Cut and hack and slash and burn
our problems all away! Hey!

Simpson-Bowles Simpson-Bowles
Piss on those with less
Since it's just austerity
It should be called "B-S."


Silent Nights
(Apologies to "Silent Night")

Silent nights, normal nights.
No more ads. No more fights.

Loud yon candidates Barack and Mitt
Met for lunch and bur'd the hatchet.

All is calm and serene
At least 'til twenty thirteen.


Gold Commodes
(Apologies to "Silver Bells")

Gated mansions, marble mansions
Dressed in garlands and lights
In the parlor we're sipping our brandy.
It's a good year, it's a fine year
It's the swellest of times!
And with every sweet flush you will hear:

Gold commodes
Gold commodes
Our shit don’t stink 'cause we're wealthy
Hear us sing, "Yay! Ch'ching!"
Our trust funds grow every day!

[Drops mic]

[Throws underpants at audience]

[Gets ushered out of nursing home for terrorizing the residents]

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Note: Please note that federal law now requires all wassailers to wear protective headgear.  Safety should never come la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-last!


By the Numbers:
Days 'til Festivus, Christmas and Kwanzaa: 12, 14, 15
Days 'til ZooLights at the Oregon Zoo in Portland: 4
Percent of the people shot and killed by Maine police since 2000 who had mental health issues: 58%
Number of those cases where the death was found to be unjustified by the Maine Attorney General's office: 0
(Source: The Maine Sunday Telegram)
Percent of Americans who say federal pot laws shouldn't be enforced in states that have legalized its use on a medicinal or recreational basis: 63%
(Source: USA Today/Gallup poll)
Maximum number of shooting stars you might see during Thursday's Geminids meteor shower (best viewing is 1-3am): 100
(Source: Parade)

New England Patriots 42  Houston Texans 14


Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:

Boehner's power grab is right in line to garner a revolt, just like Newt in 1997-98. We can and should call our members to fight against him. John Boehner can't even be trusted to appoint actual conservatives to any committee that matters. We need to stand up. We need to make our voices heard. I think it is time for Tea Party 2.0
---Commenter drohan at RedState
All together now: 1…2…3… Yeahhhhh!!!


Puppy Pic of the Day: And now, Bulldog Community Theatre presents: The Helpless Turtle.


CHEERS to the smell of alliteration in the morning.  The three states that passed gay marriage last month start with the perfect letters: we've got "Maine marriage," "Maryland marriage" and "Washington weddings."  Just has a nice ring to it.  And speaking of ringing (thank you, transition gods), wedding bells started ringing in Washington on Sunday—how 'bout them apples!  Buzzfeed's Matt Stopera has a photo essay---you really, really should take a peek if your device can handle a lot of pics---in which he sums up the day in one word: "Chills."  Or, as the bigots at NOM would call it as they envision their own future as an organization with no future: "Chilling."

JEERS to dealing with a house fire by pissing on the front steps.  Here's a quick recap of the top 5 accomplishments at the U.N. climate talks in Qatar, which wrapped up over the weekend:

The umbrella reflects harmful
rays back into space, see?
1. Cocktail parties.
2. Post-cocktail party sex in elevators. (yes, including the glass ones---hey, what happens in Qatar stays in Qatar, amiright?)
3. U.S. and China delegates hit the stripper bar while everyone else is holding talks and trying to figure shit out.
4. Fine cows $20 every time they burp or fart.
5. Pub Quiz!!!!!!!!!
If you want more details here's Livescience's report.  The next meeting will be in 2015.  Assuming we're still here in 2015.

CHEERS to rapid response.  Michigan's Republican governor and supermajority legislature have picked their moment to kill off unions in that state and it is now.  But if they think the opposition isn’t going to raise holy hell, we'll see how mistaken they are today when protesters show up at the state house.  Eclectablog has all the details here, as usual.  The pro-union side got a little wind wind in their sails, by the way, when Michigan's Democratic D.C. delegation condemned the power grab, and President Obama showed up yesterday in Detroit to offer some words:

President Barack Obama watches as workers explain the process of assembling connecting rods and pistons during a tour of the Detroit Diesel Facility in Redford, Mich., Dec. 10, 2012
President Obama in Michigan yesterday.
"What we shouldn’t be doing is trying to take away your rights to bargain for better wages and working conditions.  We shouldn’t be doing that.  These so-called “right to work” laws, they don’t have anything to do with economics; they have everything to do with politics. What they’re really talking about is giving you the right to work for less money.  You only have to look to Michigan---where workers were instrumental in reviving the auto industry---to see how unions have helped build not just a stronger middle class but a stronger America."
I'm hoping this can be settled peaceably.  But if Snyder and his goons want to have a fight, then I say break out the sugar beets and the catapults!  (Thrifty EZ Storage on Walleye Street.  Unit 3-A.  Anyone know who has the key?)  Or send the GOP to that Christmas megastore in Frankenmuth---there's enough shiny objects in that place to keep 'em distracted 'til the next election.

CHEERS to the crossroads of America.  On December 11, 1816, Indiana (or, as we say in Maine, "Indianer") became America's 19th state.  I grew up next door in Ohio, so naturally I look down my designer reading glasses at you "Hoosier types."  But I'll give you this: any state that produces David Letterman, Kurt Vonnegut and Florence Henderson---and knows when to recoil in horror at a Republican Senate candidate---can't be all bad.  Permission to celebrate granted---but be in bed by 8.

CHEERS to the C&J mailbag.  Sent via Dragon Boat Post:

Chinese Rubber ducks banned in America
Duckies of doom.
(Thanks, China.)
Dear China,

Howdy doo, buckaroos! Sup? Not much here: Fiscal cliff. War on Christmas. Gay marrieds. The usual.

Hey, I just wanted to let you know how upset I am that 35,000 rubber duckies from your country were seized by our country because they contained a chemical called Phthalates.  Phthalates in high enough doses can affect the health children.  It also appears that phthalates
can affect the ability of words to hold vowels.

Our Cheers and Jeers mascot---"Socialist Duckstick"---is a rubber ducky, and the tension here is palpable.  Fix this.  For all our sakes.


P.S. On the bright side, our compliments on the craftsmanship that went into your latest shipment of Festivus poles.  The elevated lead content alone is a bonus as it reduces friction.  Because of this, it's possible we may spare you the indignity of being singled out during in the airing of grievances.

Not bloody likely.  But possible.

CHEERS to laughing matters.  On December 11, 1844, nitrous oxide was used by a dentist for the first time.  They later discovered that things went a lot smoother when it was used by the patient.


Four years ago in C&J: December 11, 2008

UH...WTF?? to Chicago's #1 "F***g Golden" shithead.  Here's the latest on Governor Rod Blagojedick: he tried to make money off of Barack Obama's open senate seat but he got caught and now everyone wants him gone.  Oh, and he's now a top contender for "2008's Worst Role Model For Children."  If Bush and Cheney weren't still in power he'd be a lock.  [12/11/12 Update: He was sent directly to jail without passing GO or collecting $200.  Before they showed him his cell, they removed the file and blow torch from under his hair.]


And just one more…

JEERS to giving the dude with the sacks the axe.  In South Portland, Maine, Santa was fired from his seasonal job at the Maine Mall.  Parents complained on Facebook that the jolly old elf was, in fact, being rude, grumpy and just plain vicious to the children:

Man dressed as Santa giving the finger
Oh, BAD mall santa! Bad!
“He broke all 3 of my girls hearts by brushing them off and not even responding to them when they talked to him! extremely disappointed and bummed,” wrote Kari Henderson.

“I took Bella and her friend,” wrote Trish Moulton. “Santa told her friend she didn't really want what she asked for. The girls are 8 and said Santa was being weird.”

“Very disappointed in Santa this year,” wrote Ka Judice. “He made my 11 year old son cry - basically told him he was being greedy.”

Witnesses say they heard him exclaim as he drove his Lincoln Town Car out of sight: "Take a bath!  Get a job!  And don’t forget you're on child-janitor duty tonight!"

Have a holly jolly Tuesday.  Spoiler Alert: tonight's Hanukkah present is a gift certificate good for tomorrow's Hanukkah present.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Art had Rembrandt. Music had Mozart. The kiddie pool industry has Mark Werner, a 35-year-old entrepreneur from New Jersey, who builds million-dollar swimming holes for Cheers and Jeers.


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