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I'm going on a hunger strike until the government tells us the truth about why men have nipples.

For my next job I want to work for Hans Gruber.

My life feels more and more like a role written for William H. Macy

Apparently there was a plot to kill Justin Bieber? What were they going to do, give him a gun and then let him listen to a real singer?

You would think someone would've gotten Jesus' autograph.

I think the universe happened because God was running his mouth at a party, then the next day people expected it to be true.

I think we all have to do some soul-searching, and sincerely ask ourselves: "Am I more interesting than sports?"

I'm offering congratulatory sex if anyone has accomplished anything lately.

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