I'm going on a hunger strike until the government tells us the truth about why men have nipples.
For my next job I want to work for Hans Gruber.
My life feels more and more like a role written for William H. Macy
Apparently there was a plot to kill Justin Bieber? What were they going to do, give him a gun and then let him listen to a real singer?
You would think someone would've gotten Jesus' autograph.
I think the universe happened because God was running his mouth at a party, then the next day people expected it to be true.
I think we all have to do some soul-searching, and sincerely ask ourselves: "Am I more interesting than sports?"
I'm offering congratulatory sex if anyone has accomplished anything lately.