A new day has dawned since Wayne "Double Down" LaPierre explained to an aghast nation that the only answer to the rampant gun violence in the US is... more guns. His dystopian vision calls for armed "good guys" in every school, pronto. Where the tax revenues, estimated at over $6 billion, would come from for this unfunded mandate is anyone's guess. He didn't mention the possibility of taxing gun and ammunition sales, but then again, it's really not his problem to figure this out.
Clearly, Wayne's a man on a mission, and to figure out his motives, you need only follow the money. The question is: what's next? Savvy investors can always find ways to capitalize on these trends if they get in early. Stock markets have historically been great indicators of future outcomes, but reading the fiscal tea-leaves is tricky business. Fortunately, your intrepid diarist has some come upon some hot tips for post-LaPierrian times. Since it's the Christmas season, it's only right to share these with you, fellow Kossacks.
As always, remember: your results may vary. Timing is everything. A fool and his money are soon parted. Void where prohibited by law. Offer expires at midnight yesterday.
With those caveats in mind, here are a few places to stash your year-end bonus:
Doc-in-the-box medical clinics: with hospital emergency rooms filling beyond capacity with gunshot wound victims. As the ads say, "nobody gets better in the waiting room". Do you really want to hang out with "those people" as you silently bleed out? Of course not. Imagine the franchising possibilities: gunshot wound clinics popping up in schools, supermarkets, theaters, and shopping malls, offering prompt care whether you walk in or have to be carted in on a stretcher.
Private security services: with police response times getting slower by the day, who wants to wait to call the police for a break-in, assault, home invasion, or carjacking? Subscriber services, like concierge medicine, give subscribers top priority. For just the cost of a double latte a day, families and individuals can rest assured knowing that their [heavily armed] security officer will be there in a flash, ready to gun down anyone left standing at the scene of the crime.
Bullet-proof clothing and accessories: bullet-proof backpacks are already flying off the shelves for the kids this Christmas, but we haven't begun to saturate the market with other must-have items. Bullet-proof handbags, briefcases, coats and jackets, vests, even Christmas sweaters will be next on the list. With advances in nanotechnology, the fashion-conscious won't have to sacrifice style for safety.
Automobile retrofitting: with bullets flying, there's every likelihood that windshields and car windows could shatter. Neighborhood auto-armoring shops can prepare your urban assault vehicle to withstand school-zone damage for a modest price that includes 24-hour window replacement services.
Crime-scene clean-up: getting that school, mall, theater, or place of worship ready to reopen will require some heavy-duty cleaning. These mobile crews handle the whole process on a turnkey basis, leaving property managers free to deal with other aspects of the carnage.
Advance planning funeral services: if the worst happens and a child becomes another
sacrifice on Wayne LaPierre's altar victim of gun violence, parents will be glad they've planned ahead with pre-purchased casket and affordable burial or cremation plans. Options include perpetual care, with armed guards ensuring that young victims can truly rest in peace.
NRA spokespersons: with Mr. LaPierre eventually retreating to his heavily fortified underground bunker as the escalating outrage over his witless remarks results in violent protests, the organization will need some
fresh blood communications personnel willing to step into the spotlight after future gun massacres. This niche opportunity will be a perfect fit for a nimble PR firm willing to sully their reputation by affiliation with Satan the NRA.
There are certainly other opportunities awaiting savvy investors willing to make a fast buck off the NRA-fueled miseries of a grieving nation. I'm sure that you wily Kossacks can add more to the list. In the meantime, best wishes for a safe and lucrative New Year. ;-)