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A new day has dawned since Wayne "Double Down" LaPierre explained to an aghast nation that the only answer to the rampant gun violence in the US is... more guns. His dystopian vision calls for armed "good guys" in every school, pronto. Where the tax revenues, estimated at over $6 billion, would come from for this unfunded mandate is anyone's guess. He didn't mention the possibility of taxing gun and ammunition sales, but then again, it's really not his problem to figure this out.

Clearly, Wayne's a man on a mission, and to figure out his motives, you need only follow the money. The question is: what's next? Savvy investors can always find ways to capitalize on these trends if they get in early. Stock markets have historically been great indicators of future outcomes, but reading the fiscal tea-leaves is tricky business. Fortunately, your intrepid diarist has some come upon some hot tips for post-LaPierrian times. Since it's the Christmas season, it's only right to share these with you, fellow Kossacks.

As always, remember: your results may vary. Timing is everything. A fool and his money are soon parted. Void where prohibited by law. Offer expires at midnight yesterday.

With those caveats in mind, here are a few places to stash your year-end bonus:

Doc-in-the-box medical clinics: with hospital emergency rooms filling beyond capacity with gunshot wound victims. As the ads say, "nobody gets better in the waiting room". Do you really want to hang out with "those people" as you silently bleed out? Of course not. Imagine the franchising possibilities: gunshot wound clinics popping up in schools, supermarkets, theaters, and shopping malls, offering prompt care whether you walk in or have to be carted in on a stretcher.

Private security services: with police response times getting slower by the day, who wants to wait to call the police for a break-in, assault, home invasion, or carjacking? Subscriber services, like concierge medicine, give subscribers top priority. For just the cost of a double latte a day, families and individuals can rest assured knowing that their [heavily armed] security officer will be there in a flash, ready to gun down anyone left standing at the scene of the crime.

Bullet-proof clothing and accessories: bullet-proof backpacks are already flying off the shelves for the kids this Christmas, but we haven't begun to saturate the market with other must-have items. Bullet-proof handbags, briefcases, coats and jackets, vests, even Christmas sweaters will be next on the list. With advances in nanotechnology, the fashion-conscious won't have to sacrifice style for safety.

Automobile retrofitting: with bullets flying, there's every likelihood that windshields and car windows could shatter. Neighborhood auto-armoring shops can prepare your urban assault vehicle to withstand school-zone damage for a modest price that includes 24-hour window replacement services.

Crime-scene clean-up: getting that school, mall, theater, or place of worship ready to reopen will require some heavy-duty cleaning. These mobile crews handle the whole process on a turnkey basis, leaving property managers free to deal with other aspects of the carnage.

Advance planning funeral services: if the worst happens and a child becomes another sacrifice on Wayne LaPierre's altar victim of gun violence, parents will be glad they've planned ahead with pre-purchased casket and affordable burial or cremation plans. Options include perpetual care, with armed guards ensuring that young victims can truly rest in peace.

NRA spokespersons: with Mr. LaPierre eventually retreating to his heavily fortified underground bunker as the escalating  outrage over his witless remarks results in violent protests, the organization will need some fresh blood communications personnel willing to step into the spotlight after future gun massacres. This niche opportunity will be a perfect fit for a nimble PR firm willing to sully their reputation by affiliation with Satan the NRA.

There are certainly other opportunities awaiting savvy investors willing to make a fast buck off the NRA-fueled miseries of a grieving nation. I'm sure that you wily Kossacks can add more to the list. In the meantime, best wishes for a safe and lucrative New Year. ;-)

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tip Jar (8+ / 0-)

    Those who do not understand history are condemned to repeat it... in summer school.

    by cassandracarolina on Sat Dec 22, 2012 at 10:29:45 AM PST

  •  Just don't buy Army issue... (6+ / 0-)

    Weighs too much, degrades when it gets wet from the sweat that results from problem one, and is the equivalent of wearing a "Shoot me" sign.

    We really are getting a group of people in this country who are gearing up for a war.  If they Aren't, then they are gearing up for a  robot holocaust... or something...

    http://www.youtube.com/...

    I don't blame Christians. I blame Stupid. Which sadly is a much more popular religion these days.

    by detroitmechworks on Sat Dec 22, 2012 at 11:05:36 AM PST

    •  I have a colleague who was kidding (4+ / 0-)

      about being a "Doomsday Prepper". He said that he was interested in the movement, but that his wife (a smart scientists) just rolled her eyes.

      There are, unfortunately, people gearing up for "something", and there are many people making money off their fear... or paranoia.

      Those who do not understand history are condemned to repeat it... in summer school.

      by cassandracarolina on Sat Dec 22, 2012 at 11:09:10 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  I am disappointed. (4+ / 0-)

        No, not at you my friend. I am devastated because I am still here and the Mayas blew this one, well, whoever started this silly rumor of doomsday.

        I am disappointed because I think Hell is a better place than here as it stands today. I hear Señor Diablo holds some pretty hot parties and I was already packed...Bummer.

        Hmm, perhaps, maybe I did die and am in Hell already!!!!

        Nice diary Cassandracarolina, as always.

        Old men tell same old stories

        by Ole Texan on Sat Dec 22, 2012 at 11:47:19 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  Somehow I have the feeling that Satan (4+ / 0-)

          is looking at this mess and thinking he's out of a job. Who needs his services, when we can rely on people like Wayne LaPierre with his vision of turning our country into his own first-person-shooter game.

          Hope you have a wonderful Christmas, my friend. I look forward to your diaries and comments in the coming year!

          Those who do not understand history are condemned to repeat it... in summer school.

          by cassandracarolina on Sat Dec 22, 2012 at 11:56:20 AM PST

          [ Parent ]

          •  Reminds me of my "Good Omens" (3+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            cassandracarolina, Avila, Aunt Pat
            In the matter of Crowley's demonic achievements on earth, only one thing is entirely certain: he doesn't have the stomach for the sort of cruelties that, say, Duke Hastur is capable of (arson at Tadfield Manor [22]), or, more significantly, that humans are capable of (the Spanish Inquisition, the atrocities of which were enough to drive Crowley to drink for a week straight [19]). In Crowley's opinion, humans are far better at causing each other misery than Hell is, not least because "[t]hey've got imagination... [a]nd electricity, of course" (19). Besides, anyone capable of classifying Hieronymus Bosch as a "weirdo" must know what he's talking about. Hell is empty, and all the devils are here -- seeking asylum, it would seem, as we later discover when Aziraphale appears.

            I don't blame Christians. I blame Stupid. Which sadly is a much more popular religion these days.

            by detroitmechworks on Sat Dec 22, 2012 at 12:08:17 PM PST

            [ Parent ]

      •  all this time (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        cassandracarolina, Aunt Pat

        i thought James W. Rawles was a writer of fiction, though i've only read a couple of his novels.  that it's actually a movement with estimated 3-4 million TEOTWAWKI preppers is more than a little bit surreal.  (i don't want to link directly, but SurvivalBlog is one of at least a hundred prepper blogs.)

        Yes, we need to talk about this. Please sign the dKos Petition to start a national conversation about gun control.

        by Avila on Sat Dec 22, 2012 at 01:36:23 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  My problem - or one of my problems - (3+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Avila, Aunt Pat, shigeru

          with the Prepper movement is the basic premise that the Prepper is somehow deserving of survival whatever the cost, and that everyone else is expendable. When you reach that level of disconnection, you're turning your back on humanity and embracing "self" as the highest priority.

          I believe that we're all in this together, and that everyone's skills - whether hunting, farming, community organizing, writing, carpentry, cooking, nursing, fishing, construction, teaching, emergency response, ham radio operation, welding, psychiatry, plumbing, ditch digging, financial planning, sewing, or whatever else - will need to be brought to bear.

          Those who do not understand history are condemned to repeat it... in summer school.

          by cassandracarolina on Sat Dec 22, 2012 at 01:47:06 PM PST

          [ Parent ]

  •  LaPierre has eclipsed Michael Jackson (4+ / 0-)

    as the creepiest man in the country. Next to Bill O'Reilly.

    Get your goddamned guns out of my church. This means you.

    by commonmass on Sat Dec 22, 2012 at 12:04:37 PM PST

    •  You got that right, commonmass (4+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      commonmass, PSzymeczek, Avila, Aunt Pat

      I am actually kind of pleased that LaPierre has let himself off the leash and given everyone a glimpse into his blood-soaked psyche. I wouldn't be surprised if some NRA members said "you know, this is some f*cked-up shit. I'm not sure I want to be part of this organization if this is where they're headed. I just wanted to go deer hunting. I'm outta here."

      Those who do not understand history are condemned to repeat it... in summer school.

      by cassandracarolina on Sat Dec 22, 2012 at 12:09:45 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

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