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Like most Earthlings, I've often been baffled by the psychotic infant gibberish coming to us from the NRA's home planet via its cloned humanoid translator, Wayne LaPierre.  And for a long time, the best scholars of mankind have thought we were simply missing some nuance to the language that was being lost in translation.  But a new theory has emerged to prominence, and it goes like this: They mean exactly what they say.  On their world, everyone from the senile old man shouting at invisible assailants, to school children, to poodles is armed to the teeth and ready at a moment's notice to completely exterminate all life around them within a hundred-yard radius with the twitch of a finger.  So to express our sympathy for conditions on their planet, and respect rather than judge their strange value system, I would like to suggest the following Christmas gifts be sent to them via the nearest trans-dimensional portal.

Baby's First Frag Grenade


On La Terre LaPierre (known colloquially as the NRAnus), one never knows when a group of people from another race will perform an act of war by breathing air within sight of you, so every infant goes through a stage where they learn to handle infantry explosives.  In fact, the word "infantry" is taken quite literally on this planet: The front line troops in any conflict are always those from ages 0-3.  Since abortion and contraception are both illegal in this world and rape practically mandatory, there are never any shortage of them.  Baby's First Frag Grenades are an especially fun and colorful way to begin this training.  

Donnie Darko Easter Bunny Costume for Hazard Avoidance Training

Frank the Rabbit

In addition to having their own grenades, young children born on the NRA planet need to learn not to go near those of other children.  This is the purpose of NRA Easter, where a scary Death Rabbit threatens to eat them and throws colorful egg-shaped objects at them that deliver various painful dangers - sulfuric acid, electrical shocks, deafening noises, and on occasion leprosy and botulism.  NRAlien parents will appreciate your gift of this Frank the Rabbit costume from the cult classic film Donnie Darko, although they would likely not enjoy the movie itself - too sunny and touchy-feely.

Weaponizations of Innocuous Objects


People on the NRA home planet would consider a non-lethal gift to be a mortal insult to their manliness, so everything you give to them - even things with completely benign primary functions - must be weaponized into lethal form before being presented to them.  If you're on a budget, this can be done economically by just gluing razor blades to anything, but they will appreciate your effort and creativity if you go the extra mile - especially valued are flamethrower and spinning-blade functions.  Of course, more practical death-related gifts are also appreciated, such as portable body disposal units.

Hello ClariceTM Human Taxidermy Kit for Beginners.


On this world, it is sometimes considered more helpful to display the dead bodies of your enemies in various humorous or humiliating poses than to dispose of them, so that other potential enemies will think twice about cutting across your lawn.  As a result, human taxidermy is a highly respected art form with many competitions and glitzy awards shows involved.  Even if they are already an advanced practitioner, the NRAlien who receives this gift will appreciate the supplies that come with it.

Extra-Small Condoms


The ban on contraception on the NRA planet does not apply to sexual congress between men and farm animals, so there is nonetheless a significant demand for condoms to prevent the spread of inter-species STDs.  The above package would be a much-appreciated and practical gift for the man of the house, although these would be considered "Porn Star Size" and might have to be exchanged for a more modest set.

Telegraph technology

Despite the vast abundance of babies, there are never that many people overall on La Terre LaPierre, and sure as hell no cities or directly adjacent housing - "unpleasantness" tends to unfold when one person comes within eyesight of another - so they never developed any sort of advanced communications technology beyond using automatic weapons fire to signal in Morse code to those within echo range.  Now, you may have to explain that telegraphy is not witchcraft, and that the wires are there to carry signals, not for garroting the insolent.  But eventually they will appreciate the ability to call down mortar fire on to miscreants who dare to wander into their domain.

Hooked on Phonics

You may need to gussy it up with some torture implements to get them to accept it, but there may be some denizens of the NRAnus who might wish to some day immigrate to planet Earth, so a good beginning would be teaching them how to read.  Specifically, how to read the US Constitution without their vision spontaneously blurring over when terms like "well-regulated militia," "security of a free state," and the whole rest of the Bill of Rights come within view.  The next step would be introducing them to the concept of mental health treatment for their problem with paranoid delusions, and the concept of consequences for threatening to murder people who disagree with them.  It might be a tough adjustment for them at first, but I have no doubt at least some of them could manage to live non-murderous, non-psychotic lives with a moral development equal to any reasonably stable 12-year-old.  

Those who stay behind, however, should be given a gift they would adore with all their hearts, and that would finally put within reach what they have always dreamed of:

A 500 teraton thermonuclear bomb with remote-trigger buttons that say "DO NOT PRESS" given to every single person.

According to our studies, the laws of physics and common sense seem to be somewhat different on the NRA planet than on Earth, so there is a phenomenon where the greater the destructive firepower held by each individual, the safer and more civil society becomes.  So, give every person on the NRA home planet the ability to destroy it completely, and according to the local laws of physics, that should bring about a utopian society of perfect respect, lawfulness, and imperviousness to accident.  We Earthlings could watch the experiment unfold from a safe distance, marshmallows on sticks held at the ready.  Oh, how we would miss them!

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