I refuse to do anything “Gangnam style.”
The phrases “baby bump”, “double down”, “bucket list” and “kick the can down the road” shall never pass my lips.
I hope to travel more, starting with getting up off the couch more often during commercials.
I will complain about taxes but I will pay them willingly because I know that I enjoy the benefits of living in a country with decent roads, good schools and a kick-ass military that keeps me safe, and I will continue to oppose those who cheat the rest of us by not paying their fair share.
I will continue to give generously to causes I believe in but never to those charities who call me on the phone while I am eating, watching television, taking a nap, in the bathroom or struggling to get off to work on time.
I won’t waste any more time wondering why there’s no longer any history of The History Channel or learning on The Learning Channel (yes, Honey Boo Boo, I’m talking about you). I’ve long since come to grips with the fact that there is no music on MTV.
I will finally break it off with Taylor Swift. I mean, we’ve been dating for nearly six months and there’s not a single mention of me on her latest album. Worse, she’s always putting my CDs back in the wrong order and I think I’m even missing a few.
I will encourage my circle of friends to become more like a rhombus.
I will never again carpool with Lindsay Lohan.
I will be quick to judge and slow to adapt. These are some of the perks of getting older.
I shall learn to accept the other realities of getting older: Hollywood isn’t interested in my money, record companies aren’t interested in my money, television executives aren’t interested in my money, and the only advertisers who are interested in my money think I have problems with erectile dysfunction, incontinence and low testosterone. Which, for the record, I don’t.
I will continue to call out bigotry when I see it, hypocrisy when I hear it, stupidity when I come up against it. John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Tea Party “patriots”, NRA, Rush Limbaugh, Fox News Channel, you’re all on notice.