The so-called holidays are over, I really looked forward to the beginning of the new year, but it started pretty much like the last one ended. And I am tired of this infinite loop - where every some days my husband isolates himself and leaves me without any (kind) word or sth. else.
I notice that I am just too weak to deal with this my hole life - sitting alone on the couch while many other people are celebrating and just having fun, and asking me what the hell is wrong with me when I am on the other hand sure, that I did not anything wrong. - But this is the only feeling he gives me these days.. Of course New Year's Eve can be a trigger for him, I know that it is not possible for us to celebrate anything like "normal people" , but why does he take this out on me.. while he thinks he doesn't.. I don't know anymore how I can tell him that he does, he won't believe me, because he is 'just sitting in his room'.. But he seems to be another person, cold-hearted, emotionally numb.
And now, 2 days later, he recovered and I am feeling still treated as if I don't exist anymore, while he goes back to normal like nothing happened (or even worse while ignoring me) .. It feels as if he blames me for everything which went wrong in his life. I know he doesn't want this, but this doesn't change the feeling. We live together more like flatmates than a (quite short-time) married couple. I don't know if he feels our love getting colder and colder..
So I come to the conclusion that it would be better if I leave. I am simply not able to go through this again - many years I had to life with a person who never showed me positive feelings and at that time I had no chance to go anywhere, no place to go (as a child.) I think I am now at a point, where I have no power to deal all this (again).
And the person who I would like to speak about seems to be not willing to listen, seems to be taking everything the wrong way.
And even if I could have the chance to explain him why I have this feeling, that I am now at a point where I think I should leave, I am quite certain he wouldn't understand..
I am at a loss..
So, Happy 'New' Year...