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So I guess that whole Mayan calendar end of the world thing kind of fell flat.

Too bad, because I've always been quite curious about the Great Beyond.

I picture a place where everyone would "do unto others" against a backdrop of brilliant blue skies and fluffy white clouds, with sweet triple rainbows every Wednesday.

There would be no pollution. And the atmosphere composed of nearly pure oxygen would nourish our brains, allowing nearly everyone to believe in science and facts.

The whole place would not be run by rich people on the take from even richer people. The economic system wouldn't be rigged. And everybody would have decent health care, even though they wouldn't need it because — cancer? What's that?

The politicians would be reasonable, and they would compromise for the greater good.

People would always be aware of their surroundings, instead of spending half the time staring into their phones and wiggling their thumbs.

If there was a fiscal cliff, a peek over the edge would reveal ...; a breathtaking waterfall splashing into an aqua-hued lagoon, a lush oasis of citrus trees populated by adorable monkeys (seeing, hearing, speaking no evil) and garrulous parrots, beaks buzzing with polite small talk and big ideas about the plight of humanity.

We would all agree about climate change, because there wouldn't be any. There would be no white noise about mandatory ultrasounds. No politics based on spite. And a bright, compassionate, exceptional president would evoke more harmony than hate.

Common sense would carry the day over bone ignorance.

Also, there would be no: tsunamis, home invasions, debt ceiling debacles, cruelty to animals, Ponzi schemes, filibusters, terrorism, childhood obesity, adult onset stupidity, bed bugs, sweat shops, voter suppression, naked aggression, Satan, collateral damage, water boarding, allowable levels of E. coli, birthers, swine flu, congressmen saying asinine stuff about rape, white supremacists, Black Friday, gangrene, rabid skunks, people who say "cowinky-dink," corporate welfare, unsightly blotches, sex offenders, grim reapers, mullets, super PACs, fiscal quagmires, sensitive vampires, rotten apples, racism, hidden fees, WMDs, killer bees, dictators, phonies or haters.

Yeah, and there wouldn't be any guns there because nobody would have any use for them — what with a zero-based crime rate and free venison for all.

So sorry, but no Bushmaster assault rifles (main purpose: slaughtering human beings). No .22s, .45s or AK-47s. No submachine guns or semi-automatics.

No Derringers, Gatlings or Colts. No howitzers, bazookas or Uzis. No rocket launchers or M-16s.

Thanks, but no tanks.

Nobody goin' off half-cocked with a Glock.

No punk playin' make-my-day with a sawed-off.

No innocent child getting dropped in a drive-by.

No lead-pumpers or metal-squirters. No sidearms, leg holsters or itchy trigger fingers.

No Saturday-night specials or Sunday go-to-meetin' Magnums.

No high-capacity magazines. In fact, on the magazine rack — think "Saturday Evening Post," not Guns & Ammo.

There would be no firefighters shot dead while racing to battle a blaze on Christmas Eve (Webster, N.Y.). No church lady gunned down while hanging Christmas decorations (Hollidaysburg, Pa.). No 3-year-old shooting himself in the head with his father's pistol when dad hopped out to pump gas (Tacoma, Wash.). There would be no 30,000-plus gun deaths every year (America).

If there is a promised land — and today I am more inclined than ever to pray that there is — I bet it is a place where people put greater value on the safety of children than on gun industry profits. Where nobody would think it was a swell idea to flood our schools with loaded, lethal weapons.

A place where we would value the human race over the arms race. A place where any wish for progress toward peace on Earth is not frozen in the crosshairs of ever-more pieces on Earth.

* * *

By John Breneman
jbreneman@seacoastonline.com
(Twitter: @MrBreneman)

I write a Sunday column at Portsmouth (NH) Herald / Seacoastonline.com Media Group.
http://www.seacoastonline.com/...

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Comment Preferences

  •  Of course heaven would allow firearms. (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Shamash

    I'm not a theist, but the firearms wouldn't cause damage to souls; they'd just be used for fun activities like target shooting, plinking, or competitions.

    Republicans cause more damage than guns ever will. Share Our Wealth

    by KVoimakas on Wed Jan 02, 2013 at 01:15:31 PM PST

  •  My pastor's description of heaven (0+ / 0-)

    sounds kind of boring, but I guess it beats burning in hellfire.  He's never mentioned guns being up there.

  •  Most crucial sentence in the whole thing... (0+ / 0-)
    Yeah, and there wouldn't be any guns there because nobody would have any use for them — what with a zero-based crime rate and free venison for all.
    Want to get rid of guns? Fix the problems that provoke the need for them.
    The Wind and the Sun were disputing which was the stronger. Suddenly they saw a traveller coming down the road, and the Sun said: "I see a way to decide our dispute. Whichever of us can cause that traveller to take off his cloak shall be regarded as the stronger. You begin." So the Sun retired behind a cloud, and the Wind began to blow as hard as it could upon the traveller. But the harder he blew the more closely did the traveller wrap his cloak round him, till at last the Wind had to give up in despair. Then the Sun came out and shone in all his glory upon the
     traveller, who soon found it too hot to walk with his cloak on.
    As the sun made the day warm to the point of no need for a cloak, so too should people focus on making society nicer to the point of all people feeling no need for the implements of food hunting or self-preservation.

    DiFi and her new assault weapons ban is the spitting image of the wind in the fable.

    It's safe to trust a sane person with the keys to nuclear weapons, but it's not safe to trust an insane person with the cleaners under the kitchen sink.

    by JayFromPA on Thu Jan 03, 2013 at 03:15:49 AM PST

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