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My 2013 Resolutions

Broadening my horizons this year…

>> I shall find nice things to say about Congress. So far I've got, "Whoa---nice dome!"

>> I shall slowly adjust to Senate life without Joe Lieberman, weaning myself off of his musky manliness through deep breathing and use of the LieberPatch.

>> I shall take a swig of whatever booze is handy every time I hear someone on the right say that government spending is killing our country but donating as much money as possible to the American Family Association is critical to our country's survival.

Old 1900s New years postcard
I also resolve to overcome my
fear of creepy moon heads.
>> I shall make myself available as a strongman in any nation with plunderable resources.

>> I shall think more about world peace, economic justice and environmental health. Or sex, whichever comes first.

>> I shall open a C&J branch office at the other end of the couch.

>> I shall reduce the number of distractions in my life by

>> I shall pass the Kobayashi Maru without cheating.

>> I shall limit my demands on new Maine Senator Angus King to one 800-page ultimatum per week.

>> I shall try to see the world from Karl Rove's point of view by spending time acting like an asshole.

>> I shall do more good deeds. Starting with deprogramming the old lady across the street from drooling whenever I ring her doorbell.

And one year ago in C&J I resolved:
I shall be the first in the nation to call the winner of the 2012 presidential election:

[Writes down winner's name on piece of paper and seals in mayonnaise jar]

Suck on it, networks.

Okay, and the winner is: [Opens jar, pulls out piece of paper.] "Trump."


Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, January 3, 2013

Note: As of January 1, it is now illegal to shoot bottle rockets out of your little brother's ass without a permit, under penalty of purple nurple.  Thank you for your cooperation.  ---City Hall


By the Numbers:
Days 'til Inauguration Day: 18
Days 'til the 2013 Palm Beach Poetry Festival: 18
Decrease in violent crime in the U.S. between 1998 and 2011: 20%
Percent chance that video game sales tripled during the same period: 100%
(Source: The Washington Post)
Percent of Mainers who believe 2013 will be better than 2012: 59%
(Source: online Portland Press Herald poll)
Number of cars in France that were torched on New Year's eve in a bizarre tradition: 1,193
(Source: France)
Number of Friday the 13ths in 2013: 2 (Sept., Dec.)


Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

Oh boy! Starting the year off briskly, lending it such tone already, such cachet, such je ne sais quoi---those Republicans are so special, aren't they? Their first move, first rat out of the trap, top priority: lower ethics standards. Yessiree, this 2005 is going to be quite a year, some pip.
---January, 2005

Puppy Pic of the Day: Saved from a sewer.  So there's no confusion, I'm not talking about Congress but a real sewer.


CHEERS to January!  Anyone who enjoys winter sports is in Heaven this month.  And hot clam chowder on a frigid, snowy day is unbeatabe.  Plus: Inauguration Day! (Remember your lines this time, Roberts.)  Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!  FDR's birthday!  Australia Day!  California Dried Plum Digestive Health Month!  Same-sex marriages now legal in Maine and Maryland!  Too much fun!  Don’t let it stop!

JEERS to January.  I can't feel my toes and all I'm gonna be hearing about all month is the debt ceiling.…stop.

CHEERS to the fightin' 113th!  With the possible exception of inauguration day, this is the awsomest day of the whole month.  Let's unpack our late holiday present, shall we?

As of today: SENATOR Elizabeth Warren.
Another Kossack goes to Washington.
Joe Lieberman: Out.  Chris Murphy: In!
Scott Brown: Out.  Elizabeth Warren: In!
Allen West: Out.  Patrick Murphy: In!
Kent Conrad: Out.  Heidi Heitkamp: In!
Olympia Snowe: Out.  Angus "Mustache of Independence" King: In!
Joe Walsh: Out. Tammy Duckworth: In!
Dick Lugar: Out. Joe Donnelly: In.
Ben Nelson: Out.
Alan Grayson: In!
Todd Akin: Out.
Mazei Horono, Tammy Baldwin and Martin Heinrich: In!
Joe Biden will administer the oaths in the Senate.  John Boehner will administer the oaths in the House, assuming he's still able to speak after getting socked in the kisser yesterday by Chris Christie.  For those of you keeping score, we have 53 Dems and 2 Dem-caucusing independents in the Senate, and 200 Dems in the House.  And I bought 'em all air horns.

CHEERS to the Lord of the Lord of the Rings.  Happy Birthday to J.R.R. Tolkien, 120 years old today.  Pay  your respects here.  In bare feet, of course, like good little Hobbitses.

UHHHHHHH….CH'J'EERS???? to cl*ff diving.  Yes, for the foreseeable future I'm putting an asterisk in that damned word.  All I can say about that mangy fiscal mutt is: it passed and no one's completely happy with it, especially the Republican right:

Paul Ryan in television interview
As of Jan. 1, a traitor in
the eyes of the tea party.
Former GOP frontrunner Donald Trump: I am a Republican...but the Republicans may be the worst negotiators in history!

Jack Welch: Republicans lose 40-1..taxes to cuts..What a disgraceful negotiating job.

Michelle Malkin: Paul Ryan voted yes. Crappy new Year!

Erick Erickson: Thus ends the Paul Ryan 2016 Presidential Exploratory Committee.

Since the deed is done and since we all know this was mostly a hastily-assembled crap sandwich, I'm going to sit out the Obama wars and instead take the high road…by getting high and reading conservative blogs.  Oh yes…I will share what I find.

CHEERS to the Last Frontier.  On this date in 1959, the foreign and exotic region called Alaska (or, as we say in Maine, "Alasker") officially became our 49th state.  The word is Aleutian for "Great Land."  And the fine folks at Shell got the state a very special gift this year: an untethered oil rig loaded with toxic chemicals.  Oh, and also little party hats you can pick up at city hall.  Thweeeee!!!

CHEERS to saving our celluloid. Last year was the first year since I was, like, three years old that I didn’t go out to a movie.  It was 100% DVD-couch.  No particular reason---it just worked out that way and I think I'll survive.  But anyway, 25 movies from yesteryear have been inducted into the National Film Registry.  Some of them---Breakfast at Tiffany's, Dirty Harry, The Matrix---are mainstream blockbusters. Others are less known but just as important, such as:

Poster for
One of 25 films selected
for their "enduring importance
to American culture."
The Times of Harvey Milk (1984)  Told largely with revealing news clips and archival footage interspersed with personal reminiscences, "The Times of Harvey Milk," directed by Rob Epstein, vividly recounts the life of San Francisco’s first openly gay elected city official. While illuminating the effect that Milk had on those who knew him, the film also documents the nascent gay rights movement of the 1970s.

Uncle Tom's Cabin (1914)  "Uncle Tom’s Cabin" was frequently adapted to movies after 1900, but always with white actors in the lead roles until this version, said to be the first feature-length American film that starred a black actor (Sam Lucas).

One Survivor Remembers (1995)  In this Academy Award-winning documentary short film by Kary Antholis, Holocaust survivor Gerda Weissmann Klein recounts her six-year ordeal as a victim of Nazi cruelty. "One Survivor Remembers" explores the effects that her experience had on the rest of her life. It is told with a simple yet powerful eloquence that "approaches poetry," the Chicago Tribune observed.

I remain hopeful that the all-time greatest movie ever---Cats and Dogs---will find itself nestled among the NFR's pantheon of greatness for its message of universal truth in a world gone mad: dogs drool, cats rule.

JEERS to taking your secret to the grave.  Handyman Al Herrin died on this date in 1947 at the age of 92.  The New Jersey man claimed he never slept but doctors could never figure out why.  Today we have a name for people like Al: new parents.


Five years ago in C&J: January 3, 2008

CHEERS to the most overrated event in the history of the universe!  Today a small sliver of hungover voters in a rural state will determine the next president of the United States.  For those of you who are new to Iowa caucus MANIA, it basically works like this: "Red Rover, Red Rover, Let [candidate's] People Come Over!"  Then there's a big game of dodgeball and the last one standing wins.  Advantage: Chris Dodd.  Mostly because he brings a bowling ball.


And just one more…

2013 Lobster Dip in Old orchard Beach, Maine
It's for a good cause.
(But it's still nuts.)
CHEERS to a cool d...d...dip.  They do it every year to raise money for the Special Olympics, and this year an estimated 400 masochists with big hearts and hard nipples participated in Old Orchard Beach's annual Lobster Dip---a headlong plunge into the frigid Atlantic Ocean that gets played out in a hundred similar ways by various groups up and down the east coast.  Afterward the Ladies Auxiliary used marimba mallets to play the classics on the men's cojones.  The Flight of the Bumble Bee was particularly festive.

Oh, be sure to mark December 27 of this year on your calendar so you don’t miss Part I of A Very Special Look Back At 2013.  It's very exciting!  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

“Go fuck yourself,” Boehner sniped as he pointed his finger at Bill in Portland Maine.  Bill, a bit startled, replied: “What are you talking about?”  Boehner repeated: “Go fuck yourself.”



Will the white-hot rage the tea party Republican base is feeling toward their representatives in Congress help or hurt Democrats' chances of taking back the House in 2014?

43%1777 votes
43%1777 votes
2%83 votes
3%126 votes
6%279 votes

| 4043 votes | Vote | Results

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