A new day dawns, and the Earth shifts beneath their feet of the already uneasy GOPasaurs. The Grim Reaper has been working overtime to keep up with the carnage, and it's not over yet, not by a long shot. Here's the latest on those who've been culled from the herd, and those whose paleo prospects are looking especially grim.
Make that a double. Boehnersaurus lachrymosii has new reasons to return to the barstool and shed those
crocodile saurian tears as he awaits the verdict from fellow GOPasaurs on whether the Orange One will live to Speak another day. Those who cover his prized position at the head of the House Food Chain can barely suppress their eagerness to throw the long-suffering B. lachrymosii into the nearest volcano in his hour of weepy weakness.
Cold, clammy skin? Check. Beady little eyes? Check. Blood-drenched talons? Check. Velociraptor cantorii, whose Freon-like cold blood terrifies everyone in the drainage basin, is on the march. This venomous and vile creature is unconstrained by considerations of loyalty, happily sinking its fangs into friend, foe, or passerby if it will advance his reptilian objectives of world domination.
Cretaceous conservasaur Demintasaurus dementii has shuffled off his governmental coil for a position at the head of a "think tank", a surprising move for this dull-witted limbic-brained creature. Among GOPasaurs, thinking is considered a major fossil faux pas, but like all of his species, the lure of Vast Sums of Wealth prove all too tantalizing.
Archelon mcconnellii, stepping in to save the day as his orange colleague retreated to his underground
wet bar grotto at the height of the Fossil Fiscal Follies, proved that, when the chips were down, you might as well break out the salsa, crack open a cold beer, and make the best of a difficult situation. Emerging from his deliberations with Pugilasaurus joebidenii looking little the worse for wear, A. mcconnelli shows that turtle tenacity that explains why his kind have endured over hundreds of millions of years as other GOPasaurs have fallen by the wayside.
Succumbing to extinction - but not without a fight - is Inflammasaurus allenwestii, whose hate-filled vocalizations will be remembered long after he has taken his place in the fossil record. Even by GOPasaurian standards, this vicious spewer of virulent venom was considered extreme. Paleo-pundits fear that we have not heard the last outburst from this caustic critter.
Votersaurs also bade a fossil farewell to Legitimasaurus toddakinii, whose antidiluvian grasp of reproductive biology was considered outdated even by Triassic colleagues. Scientific ignorance, a point of pride among male GOPasaurs, has its limits, and L. toddakinii delineated those limits conclusively. Fellow reproductive expert Giftfromgodasaurus mourdockii also reached the end of his evolutionary journey, not a moment too soon.
While not strictly speaking a GOPasaur, Whineasaurus liebermanii embodied enough egregious GOPasaur traits to warrant posthumous taxonomic reclassification. Loathed by Cretaceous colleagues on both sides of the aisle, this craven critter proves that paleo-party loyalty matters, even in pre-stone-age times.
It's off to the Tar Pits for Deadbeatasaurus joewalshii, proving that turning one's back on one's offspring while living large is considered Very Poor Form, even among carnivores. Dispensing marriage and child-rearing advice while living a fraudulent lifestyle? Priceless.
Despite his twisted pronouncements, Pledgeasaurus norquistii slid further into the Tar Pits of Oblivion as his
minions puppets adherants agreed to demand more from the Onepercentasaurs. These hoarders of wealth, with their vast Caymanian holdings and complex tax avoidance schemes, spent the holidays curled up in a fetal position, weeping at the thought of parting with their dino-dollars.
Speaking of oblivion, the bombastic Bloviasaurus limbaughii has been relatively quiet (although, like a dormant volcano, future eruptions cannot be ruled out). No longer the paleo-powerhouse he once was, B. limbaughii has been passed by by the evolutionary process as his saurian sponsors view his extinction as a very real possibility in way less than geologic time.
As the 113th Congress is sworn in, look for more fossil fatalities as growing rifts within the GOPasaur ranks bring more dino-on-dino attacks. With power slipping from their undersized forelimbs, it's every critter for themselves. You'll want some paleo-popcorn and a cold beverage for the next installment! Let the backstabbing begin!
10:35 AM PT: Well, Boehnersaurus lachrymosii lives on as speaker. In related news, investors in single-malt Scotch distillers and Kleenex facial tissues register record-breaking profits.