I seem to be in a rut with my life. This will be a personal, boring diary, with nothing to do with politics or anything, so feel free to move on to something else.
I'm simply in a position in which where I am is not desirable or entirely sustainable. I develop plans and ideas to move onward, try something new, get somewhere else, but before I start, I'm stopped. Stopped by fear of trying and failing, and thus staying where I am. I know this is stupid, but that's how I constantly think, no matter how much I try to rationalize around it.
Somehow, growing up, the fear of failure was instilled in me. Most of my school life I never had to try to receive good grades. A's came without effort. I devoured mathematics, science, and reading with ease, and I was always placed in the "gifted" or "honor" class. I loved these, and loved school, but along with it came this idea that if I try something, I had to succeed. So when school got more complex and I found myself falling behind, I hid it as best I could. The older and older I grew, the worse it got, and fear of being seen as someone who couldn't do it instilled a rule in my subconscious that refuses to leave: it is far, far better to not try at all than it is to try and fail.
I've worked to try to internalize the idea that my own destiny is in my own hands, that failure is how we learn, that I grow each time I at least attempt an effort, but always, always, there's something that happens. I screw something up, either major or minor, and the horror of failing is instilled again. I shouldn't have failed. It was so simple. I should have remembered and not messed up. Getting it right would have given me no accolades, of course, but failing....failing meant that I was worthless, that I cannot do anything right, that I'm a failure myself who might as well give up entirely.
And I can't get passed it.
I'm going to try and grow a garden this year. I'm looking at seeds and already feeling that fear overpower me. What if I mess up? What if I simply make a mess of my yard? What if I fail to care for it properly or water it, or even get it started after spending money on the plants? This will do nothing overall for my life, either. I'll still be stuck at a dead end job, living under a roof only thanks to my parents, surviving only because they believe that, left on my own, I'd become a homeless hooker within a week, and every failure proves their point all the more.
But I'm going to try. That's the only reason I'm writing this, really. I'm trying to make some permanence on a personal oath to grow some goddamn herbs and vegetables.
I have no idea why you read all the way down here, but thank you. I know there were better things for you to read besides this.
UPDATE: I forced myself to get a coat on and go for a walk in the woods, since exercise, sunshine, and nature are all supposed to be good for battling depression. I feel better having written this, and better after taking a walk. Today seemed to be one of those days where my brain came crashing down on me. Thanks for the well wishes on the garden to be, and, again, for reading this.