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Oh! More Things I Know:

> Thermometers used to gauge global warming have a liberal bias.

> It's only a matter of time before ads show up on Fox News telling people that they must invest in platinum coins now as a hedge against the imminent collapse of their gold coins that ads on Fox News told them they had to buy now as a hedge against the imminent collapse of their dollars.

> For anyone who thinks Republicans are better at business than Democrats: Al Gore got $100 million for dumping Current TV. Dick Armey got $8 million for dumping FreedomWorks.

> So far I haven't written 2012 on any of my checks instead of 2012.

> If you correctly guess which culvert Bashar al-Assad will be found under when he flees his palace, I'll give you $100.

> At this moment Joe Lieberman is sitting cross-legged on the sofa in his bathrobe chuggin' Schlitz and watching the Game Show Network.

> If you're going to straddle both lanes, driver, please remove the "COEXIST" sticker from your bumper.

> The dudes in the Cialis ads all move in slow motion. I'm thinking Cialis is just weed in a pill.

> The catapult I got for Christmas allowed me to beat my 14.2-foot fruitcake-tossing record by 26 miles.

> I can kick-start Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" initiative in six words: Nationwide Trillion Dollar Coin Scavenger Hunt.

> The #1 phrase of 2013 will be: "I swear this is not from The Onion."

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, January 10, 2013

Note: "You'll have to pry my cold dead hands from my cold dead hands," says cranky old man with four hands.  Film at 11.

By the Numbers:
Days 'til Groundhog Day: 23
Days 'til the Super Bowl XXVVVIIIIIIIIIIII in New Orleans: 24
Percentage of homicides by firearm in Japan, the U.K. and Germany, respectively: 2%, 6%, 26%
Percentage of homicides by firearm in the U.S.: 67%
(Source: U.N. Office on Drugs and Crime via USA Today)
Number of banks that failed in, respectively, '09, '10, '11 and '12: 140 / 157 / 92 / 50
Amount spent on U.S. health care in 2011, which equals $8,680 per man, woman and child here: $2.7 trillion
Number of other "economically advanced" nations whose per-person healthcare costs are as high: 0
(Source: Department of Health & Human Services)


Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

Molly Ivins
I am one of those people who are out of touch with their emotions.  I tend to treat my emotions like unpleasant relatives---a long-distance call once or twice or year is more than enough.  If I got in touch with them, they might come to stay.

My friend Mercedes Pena made me get in touch with my emotions just before I had a breast cut off.  Just as I suspected, they were awful.  "How do you Latinas do this---all the time in touch with your emotions?" I asked her.  "That's why we take siestas," she replied.
---Time Magazine, February, 2002


Puppy Pic of the Day: Zzzzzzzzzz…


CHEERS to circling the wagons.  Wow---there seems to be unusually-rapid coordination and energy among anti-gun-massacre forces led by Joe Biden.  I honesty think the NRA is about to meet its match over new assault-weapons restrictions and background checks in the wake of the Newtown massacre.  And speak 'o the devil

A spokesman for the NRA confirmed to ABC News that a representative from the group will attend the meeting with Biden on Thursday.  "We got an invite late Friday from the WH.  We are sending a representative to hear what they have to say," Andrew Arulanandam, spokesman for the NRA, said via e-mail.  A week after the deadly shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, the NRA called for placing armed police officers in every school.
Biden will look him straight in the eye and say, in that Joe Biden way, "C'mon, man…search your conscience."  Followed by a long and awkward silence as Mr. NRA looks up the word.

Taylor's got an inaugural
gig booked for January 21.
CHEERS and JEERS to attracting opposites.  President Obama's swearing-in is just 11 days away, and his backup band is taking shape: Beyonce (National Anthem), Kelly Clarkson ("My Country Tis of Thee") and James Taylor ("America the Beautiful") are booked.  Myrlie Evers-Williams, widow of civil rights activist Medgar Evers, will give the invocation---the first woman and non-clergy member to have the honor.  Then there's the odd couple: Mainer Robert Blanco, the "first Latino, first openly-gay, and youngest" inaugural poet, and benediction giver Louie Giglio of Georgia, who puritanically preaches that gay people go straight to hell.  When the two cross paths, I hope Mr. Blanco tells Mr. Giglio the one about the man from Nantucket.  The unrated version.

JEERS to reform at the speed of tortoise.  On January 10, 1878, a constitutional amendment was introduced in the Senate that would give women the right to vote.  The amendment was so slow to catch on that it wasn't signed into law for another 42 years.  A period more commonly known as the "Era of Burned Meatloaf."

JEERS to living down to your reputation.  In addition to being the most accurate of the pollsters, PPP (HaHa, I said pee pee pee) is also adept at getting publicity.  The media---social, network, cable and dead-tree---are swarming like flies over the latest PPP (HaHa I said pee pee pee again) survey of opinions about Congress.  Behold the leaders of the free world…

More popular than
Boehner. Seriously.
[I]t was a close call for people to choose between playground bullies and their representatives in Washington.  Genghis Khan, Nickelback, Donald Trump and cockroaches all beat out John Boehner's gang. …  [M]ost Americans have a higher opinion of traffic jams, used car salesmen, France, root canals and even NFL replacement refs than they do of the national legislature.
On the bright side, people love the building our representatives work in.  That dome…just, wow.

JEERS to not paying attention.  On January 10, 2001, President-(not)-elect Bush and his "national security" team (Condi Rice and a Steinway baby grand) received their first top-secret Pentagon briefing on military challenges around the world.  Judging by their performance over the next eight years, they apparently tuned out somewhere around, "Now listen carefully, this is important..."

CHEERS to naked men dipped in gold.  The Oscar nominations are being announced in about 10 minutes were announced this morning.  We'll update this space momentarily.  Here are the bigguns:

Best Picture:
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Django Unchained
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark 30
Les Miserables
Life of Pi

Best Actor:
Daniel Day-Lewis---Lincoln
Denzel Washington---Flight
Hugh Jackman---Les Miserables
Bradley Cooper---Silver Linings Playbook
Joaquin Phoenix---The Master

Best Actress:
Jessica Chastain---Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence---Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva---Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis---Beasts of the Southern Wild
Naomi Watts---The Impossible

Best Supporting Actor:
Christoph Waltz---Django Unchained
Tommy Lee Jones---Lincoln
Alan Arkin---Argo
Robert DeNiro---Silver Linings Playbook
Philip Seymour Hoffman---The Master

Best Supporting Actress:
Sally Field---Lincoln
Anne Hathaway---Les Miserables
Jacki Weaver---Silver Linings Playbook
Helen Hunt---The Sessions
Amy Adams---The Master

And this one I'm writing out Wednesday night because it's so in the bag: 81 year-old John Williams will get a nod for his noble Lincoln score.  It's his 48th nomination since 1967.  It'd be more but he's trying to pace himself.


Five years ago in C&J: January 10, 2008

JEERS to the world's worst ambassador.  President Bush is in Israel today, spending some quality time with "my good friends the Israelians."  Place your bets on how long it'll take him to ask "where's the propeller?" when they give him a yarmulke.  Oh, and fifty bucks to anyone who can grab his passport and shred it.

JEERS to stating the obvious.  U.S. News reports that Benazir Bhutto was "worried about security issues."  Their first clue was when she popped her head up through the roof of her vehicle on December 27 and said, "Hey! Can I get a little security here??!"  Sadly, not soon enough.


And just one more…

CHEERS to the nexus of great writing and great delivery.  I'd be a very bad representative of Mount Vernon, Ohio if I didn’t recognize the dates on which my hometown's best-known son entered and exited this world.  Sadly, today is not the more celebratory of the two: 31 years ago today, Paul "Center Square" Lynde died at 55 in Beverly Hills.  In his memory, feast on some zingers...

People magazine cover with Paul Lynde.
Mount Vernon, Ohio's finest
Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?
Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.
Peter Marshall: President Nixon doesn’t like to watch the news on television. Why?
Paul Lynde: Because it's on opposite Sesame Street.
Peter Marshall: You get a headache right after romance. According to Dr. Thotusen, is there anything wrong with you?
Paul Lynde: No, but I need a softer headboard.
Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: "The Joy of Sex."  
Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Paul Lynde:  Yeah, they're the ones who just go "a doodle doo..."
You'll find tons of clips at the official Lynde fan site. He was an interesting transitional figure on the GLBT timeline of the 60s and 70s.  Even though his lips never said "I'm gay," his demeanor screamed, "Helloooo!!!"  Scores of homophobic fans never figured it out, and their adoring fan mail, including unsolicited marriage proposals, never stopped filling his mailbox. Talk about getting the last augh.

Have a nice Thursday.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

"If you try and approach making a load of noise, using a bright white light, then Bill in Portland Maine won't come anywhere near you. So we sat there in the pitch black, using a near-infrared light invisible even to the human eye, waiting for Bill to approach. It was stunning, I couldn't have dreamt that he would be so beautiful."
---Tsunemi Kubodera
Japanese Museum of Nature and Science


When it comes to tweaking Senate filibuster rules to prevent Republican abuse of them, I am…

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