No, seriously, this guy's a doctor.
Of course not. But too bad. Because here comes Rep. Phil Gingrey of Georgia to pick up the slack. And Gingrey is a doctor—an OB/GYN, no less—and co-chair of the GOP Doctors Caucus. (Go ahead and take a beat to marvel that such a thing exists.)
In a jaw-dropping appearance at the Smyrna Area Council of the Cobb Chamber of Commerce breakfast, Gingrey explained what Akin really meant, how he wasn't really wrong, and how as a doctor, Gingrey has given some epic advice to women about how pregnancy works:
“And in Missouri, Todd Akin … was asked by a local news source about rape and he said, ‘Look, in a legitimate rape situation’ — and what he meant by legitimate rape was just look, someone can say I was raped: a scared-to-death 15-year-old that becomes impregnated by her boyfriend and then has to tell her parents, that’s pretty tough and might on some occasion say, ‘Hey, I was raped.’ That’s what he meant when he said legitimate rape versus non-legitimate rape. I don’t find anything so horrible about that.Right. What Akin meant when he talked about "legitimate rape" is that, you know, bitches be lying. We all know how women are always pretending they've been raped. Hell, "legitimate rape" is barely even a thing! That's why, in the last Congress, Republicans attempted to redefine rape to close the rape "loopholes" all those lying broads are always trying to exploit. That's all Akin meant, you see? And there's nothing wrong with that, according to Rep. Dr. Phil.
But wait. There's more:
But then [Akin] went on and said that in a situation of rape, of a legitimate rape, a woman’s body has a way of shutting down so the pregnancy would not occur. He’s partly right on that.He's partly right? That ridiculous theory that women's bodies know when they've been infected with rape sperm—the theory that even other Republicans ridiculed—Akin was "partly right" about it? Oh, please explain that one, Doctor.
Gingrey pointed out that he had been an OB-GYN since 1975.You see? Akin wasn't just partly right in Gingrey's Republican opinion. Akin was partly right in Gingrey's professional OB/GYN opinion too. He's an actual doctor, so you have to take his explanation seriously.
“And I’ve delivered lots of babies, and I know about these things. It is true.
We tell infertile couples all the time that are having trouble conceiving because of the woman not ovulating, ‘Just relax. Drink a glass of wine. And don’t be so tense and uptight because all that adrenaline can cause you not to ovulate.’ So he was partially right wasn’t he?Um ... so because Rep. Dr. Phil tells women to drink up when they're trying to get pregnant, that means Akin was "partially right" about how you don't need reproductive rights if you're really raped—not just a scared teenager who's afraid to talk to her parents about being pregnant but, thanks to Republican policies, she has to talk to her parents, even if they're going to beat her or kick her out of the house or her father's the one who impregnated her in the first place because that's family values for you!
Sure, that sounds insane. But don't argue with Rep. Dr. Phil. He's a doctor, after all. So just relax. And have a glass of wine.