Some folks apparently can’t accept defeat. Follow me after the Joan Holloway (orange and curvy!) for all the horrid details…
BRANSON, MO – Cold but sunny is the forecast for Monday, as Branson, Mo., welcomes patriotic, liberty-loving revelers for America’s first Nonguration, an alternative celebration to what will be going on in our former nation’s capital. Proper Americans may have to wait another four years “to get their country back,” but the Nonguration promises to provide hours of entertainment for those weary of reality.
Live acts: Family-values icon Lee Greenwood, his current wife, three ex-wives, numerous mistresses, and six known children will lead the crowd in a rousing version of “God Bless the U.S.A.”
The Chair Clint Eastwood yelled at during the Republican National Convention will take center stage at 10:30 a.m. Mr. Eastwood declined invitation, however, so the shouting duties will be performed by Chuck Norris, who will first holler at the chair and then karate-chop it into toothpick-sized pieces, which will be available at concession stands shortly thereafter for $17.76 per bag.
The Ohio State marching band will put on a special patriotic performance, culminating with Karl Rove dotting the “I” in the O-H-I-O script.
Sheldon Adelson and the Koch Brothers will join forces and perform a medley of Pink Floyd’s “Money,” Cyndi Lauper’s “Money Changes Everything,” and Mr. Adelson’s own composition, “I Gave that Twit How Much Exactly?”
Hank Williams Jr. promises to bring down the house with a special version of his fun-loving “All My Rowdy Friends”/“Monday Night Football” theme: “Are You Ready for Some Romney?”
Young – and young at heart! – patriots will love the Kids’ Fun Zone, a designated area featuring trampolines, fireworks, skateboard ramps, and small-caliber weaponry. Sure to be a favorite in this area is the Math is Gay booth, manned by Professor Nate Gold, who will teach kids that math and science are overrated and to always go by their hunches. And once kids have had their fill of nonlearning, they’ll be rarin’ to line up at the George Will Dunk Tank. For 25 cents a ball – or 3 for a dollar – kids can take their best shot at putting lovable Unky George in the water. Parents, be advised to bring your own first-aid kids, helmets, etc. for your children in this area. None will be provided on-site, just as God intended.
Also: Sarah Palin.
And, finally, at 12:00 noon, not 45th President of the United States Willard “Mitt” Romney will be sworn in by the Honorable Judge Joseph Wapner.