From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
On Inauguration Day 2009, I went all kum bah ya on America's ass. Seriously, this is how my post started:
For One DayAnd on and on like that… It seemed right. We were fighting two wars and we'd just taken a massive economic dump in our pants while driving into a massive economic ditch because we blew a massive economic head gasket. I had this naïve schoolboy fantasy that maybe Republicans would extend to Obama the same courtesy that Democrats had extended to the previous president when he started out. Instead, at the height of a national calamity that happened on that previous president's watch, they immediately summoned their inner asshole and became the "Party of No."
So here we are. Four years later. Obama begins his second term following a decisive re-election victory. And this inauguration-day post is slightly different than 2009's. My message is simple, and it goes out to some specific people for their contributions during Obama's first term:
And to President Barack Hussein Obama, who withstood all the slime, slop and sleaze that the conservatives' political, financial and media catapults could hurl at him: Carry on. Congratulations. And enjoy your day.
To Rush Limbaugh, who said "I hope he fails" on inauguration day: Suck it. He didn't.
To the birthers, whose claims about Barack HUSSEIN Obama's "questionable" citizenship were nothing but racism cloaked in concern-trollery: Suck it. He's a two term Kenyan president now.
To Mitch McConnell, who said his #1 goal was to make Barack Obama "a one-term president": Suck it, turtleman. #44 is #44 for another 4.
To John Boehner, who as House minority leader yelled "Hell NO you can't!" to Obama's first-term agenda: Suck it. Hell YES he could!
To former South Carolina senator and tea party organizer Jim DeMint, who said the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act would be "Obama's Waterloo": Suck it. It so wasn't.
To the tea party idiots who hoisted signs at their Obamacare protest rallies that read, "Bury Obamacare with Ted Kennedy": I'd rather bury your ideas with Reagan. Suck it, jerks.
To Mitt Romney, who ran the most classless and bullshit-dense campaign of any presidential candidate in my memory: Here's something you can scrawl on your Etch-A-Sketch: S-U-C-K-I-T.
To Dick Cheney, who said America would be less safe under Obama: sir, the attacks of 9/11/01---and there were four of them---happened on your watch. Obama killed bin Laden and there were no al Qaeda attacks on American soil. So suck it. Right after you take a remedial gun-safety course.
To all those ignorant fools who called Barack Obama a Muslim, a Kenyan and/or a socialist as if those are all inherently and self-evidently "bad" things: grow the fuck up. Right after you suck it.
To Sean Hannity, Karl Rove and Dick Morris: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!! Suck it.
To the Wall Street banksters, who….. who….. hell, I can't even begin to write the words that describe your obscene, cold-hearted, destructive, greedy and soulless behavior over the past four years. Just suck it.
To all the governors and state legislatures that tried their damndest to rig election laws so they favored Romney over Obama: Suck it. All you did was ensure that voters were more committed than ever to making sure their votes were counted.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 21, 2013
Note: "We don’t swim in your toilet, so please don’t pee in our Reflecting Pool." ---National Park Service Inauguration Courtesy Desk-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Inauguration Day 2017: 1,460
Days 'til the fifth annual Enumclaw Wine and Chocolate Festival in WA: 11
Percent chance that D.C. officials will hang a banner on their inaugural reviewing stand that reads "A More Perfect Union Must Include Full Democracy in D.C.": 100%
(Source: USA Today)
Number of presidential inaugurations John Marshall presided over: 9 (two Jeffersons, two Madisons, two Monroes, one J.Q. Adams and two Jacksons)
Percent chance Chief Justice Roberts read from notes when he gave Obama the oath yesterday at 11:55am: 100%
An encore reminder of the 2012 Obama-Romney electoral college results: 332-206
Number of virus particles found in 35 cubic feet of air near a flu sufferer: 16,000
San Francisco 49ers 28 Atlanta Falcons 24
Baltimore Ravens 28 New England Patriots 13
Inauguration Day Forecast: Sun and clouds with a 30 percent chance of an afternoon shower and a 100% chance of sore feet. High: 44. Low: the Republican party's approval rating.-
Puppy Pic of the Day (via Kossack Vacationland): "I have amazing news for you---I am looking at your puppy."
"Non-violence is a powerful and just weapon which cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it. It is a sword that heals."Oh, and remember: there's no mail today, which also means no bills today. Thank you, Reverend.
JEERS to Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Once again, we didn’t get a single Martin Luther King Jr. Day card in the mail (we sent out 150), no Martin Luther King Jr. Day presents under our Martin Luther King Jr. Day tree and, as usual, radio stations are way overdoing the Martin Luther King Jr. Day carols. But the Martin Luther King Jr. Day mattress sales are pretty decent. If you have a dream of no money down and no payments 'til 2014, c'mon down!
CHEERS to preserving, protecting and defending the Constitution of the United States. [FlipFlipFlip…] Ah, here it is: the 20th Amendment says that the POTUS and VPOTUS have to be sworn in on January 20th---no ifs, ands or buts. And that's what they did yesterday. You can see Obama doing the deed here. (Spoiler Alert: “Good job, daddy,” Sasha said. “I did it,” Obama replied. “You didn’t mess up,” Sasha said.) He was in-and-out in a flash. Not so with Joe Biden, who seemed like he had an all-day kegger lined up afterward. Since his boss will get all the attention today, here's Joe's moment:
And in other news, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan spent their Sunday quietly not being sworn in for anything. The republic endures.
JEERS to moments we wish we could take back. Fifteen years ago, on January 21, 1998, allegations of Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky first became public via The Washington Post. The president was later impeached by the House when it was discovered that his Oval Office blow jobs resulted in the deaths of nearly 4,000 American soldiers at a cost of over two trillion dollars. Thank god his successor restored integrity to the White House, huh.
JEERS to fumble fingers, Part I. If you missed the NFL action over the weekend, here's what I saw: one team out of four sucked donkey balls. It wasn't Baltimore or San Francisco or Atlanta. No, it was New England, which apparently woke up at noon and straggled in from the Pee Wee league lookin' for the beer tent around 6:29. So it'll be San Francisco vs. Baltimore on February 3rd during Super Bowl 20 + 17 + 5 + 4 +1. As usual, the winner will be the ads.
JEERS to fumble fingers, Part II. Conservatives, reacting to their fear that the government wants to take away their guns even though no one wants to take away their guns, made a big show of their love of guns and gun safety during Saturday's nationwide "Gun Appreciation Day." In fact, they appreciated their guns so much that they accidentally shot five people. Message received. Although probably not the one they wanted to send.
CHEERS to the king of the swingers. Happy 73rd birthday to fellow Ohio native and "Golden Bear" Jack Nicklaus who, appropriately enough, won 73 PGA tournaments---including a record 18 majors---during his career and never came within a mile of a steroid. Jack's that rarest of birds: a country club Republican with class. (Although palling around with Mitt Romney last year oughtta be a two-stroke penalty in my book.)
Five years ago in C&J: January 21, 2008
JEERS to Fredmentum. Damn---Fred Thompson's bulwark state, South Carolina, just wasn't feelin' the love for him Saturday. John McCain won the Republican primary (Huckabee was a close second), and gave a victory speech in which he said Americans were on their own and he'd spend an awful lot of money on guns.
But the real jaw-dropper of the night was the new theme song chosen by McCain himself (I kid you not): ABBA's "Take A Chance on Me." Memo to the maverick: you just sent out a "dog whistle" code to gay people across the country essentially saying, "See ya at the next rave, girlfriend!" (I may have to give Ol' Sugarbuns a second look.)
And Just One More:
CHEERS to a preview of coming attractions. How will President Obama and Congress get anything done during his second term? I'm glad you asked! Here's how:
Just add carrots, sticks, gavels and headlocks.
Okay---gotta go pick up my tuxedo t-shirt at the cleaners. Big day ahead. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:-
Having thus imported to you my cheerseths and jeerseths, as they have been awakened by the occasion which brings us together, I shall take my present leave.
First Inauguration Speech